The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Here's a question I got today, a quick one. This is from Laurie. "I'm feeling blue today, and for no reason. No problems at work, no problems at home. I'm sure it will be gone tomorrow, but I do not understand the blue feeling. Is there anything I can do to change that feeling? I was a little tired. Maybe that brought it on. Is there anything I can eat? Maybe my body is deficient in something? I exercise regularly, three times a week at the gym, and I take vitamins every day. I am 54 and postmenopausal. Could the blues have been brought on by hormones? I appreciate your website, DrKenner.com, and your willingness to answer a question. Thank you, Laurie."

Laurie, whenever we feel down in the dumps, blue, and we don't know why, it is proper to ask yourself, why? You don't want to start with, "I don't know why. Oh, well, maybe I can never know why." Now you are hunting for questions. We can hear your mind working. "Is it at home? No problems at home, no problems at work." It's almost like you're going through a checklist: "Is it the food that I'm eating? Is it not enough exercise? But I get that. Is it that I'm postmenopausal?"

So, the number one thing you want to do is to rule out medical causes if this were happening every other day and the other days you were fine. You know, what's going on? Could it be the beginning of a medical problem? But if you get a clean bill of health, you know you don't have any thyroid problems—that can make you feel really tired and mimic depression. You don't have any thyroid problems or other problems that could mimic a psychological disorder, such as anxiety too. It could be hormones. I mean, look at it, I've been pregnant. I don't know if you've been pregnant, but I know that mood changes were common when I was pregnant. Luckily, I was very often in a happy mood. I was very happy to be pregnant, but I will say that most of the time, if you can rule out the medical, most of the time, the issue is not that you didn't eat something; it's psychological.

And so, when clients come in and say, "I'm really depressed, and I don't know why," I feel like we are at the beginning of a mystery, and hopefully, by the end of the session, they will have some very important clues as to why they are feeling down in the dumps, or anxious if that's the case, or maybe they will have the full answer. The work of therapy is learning how to introspect, to ask your subconscious instead of just concluding, "I can't know why," to ask your subconscious, "What is on my mind? What went through my mind before I went to sleep last night? What are the issues in my life that may feel like a loss?" That's what depression is—a loss, feeling blue. What could possibly be the case? If nothing comes up, if you said, "Everything's going well," then okay, but you've asked your subconscious that question, and maybe tomorrow you will feel better. But you may hit a treasure chest of information. You may hit information that,

"Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back." Romance. "I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship." "Well, I wish I knew more about what I want." "Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting."

But you may hit a treasure chest of information. You may hit information that, "Oh my God, I'm really worried about my husband. He hasn't been feeling good; he hasn't been to a doctor, or is he flirting with somebody? Or, I have no problems, but I also don't have any goals in life, and that is a problem. I'm not doing things that are satisfying to me. I seem like I have a happy life, but I don't feel that deep down." So, you want to start to do the introspective work. Ask yourself a lot of questions, gently, as a friend, not as a critical parent, and I think that will help you out.

Here's another question I received from Carol. Carol says, "I just turned 16, and I'm in high school. I'm supposed to be at the peak of my social life, making friends and enjoying life in general. However, I have grown cold. I don't enjoy being around people. I used to go out with friends, but now, when they invite me out, I lie and tell them I have plans. I tell the boys at school that I'm a lesbian so they won't ask me out. I get easily annoyed when people who don't understand me try to talk to me. I feel like I have no empathy with people who don't understand me. I just like having time alone. Why do I feel like this? And what can I do?"

Well, obviously, the fact that you emailed me tells me that you want to do something. You want to reconnect with people. So there's some injury, some damage, some conclusion that you've drawn about people. Maybe you had five siblings and you just wanted private time. Maybe you've been through some abuse, maybe a good friend hurt you. You want to identify what it was that made you change, because you once enjoyed people. It could have to do with yourself. Maybe you feel inadequate or like a failure, or lose a challenge. Don’t live with those feelings because you want to love yourself so that you can enjoy the company of good people. The strategy of avoiding and lying is not going to help you. You want the strategy of understanding yourself, and therapy could help you.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness. Toll-free, 1-877-DR-KENNER. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Here are some financial issues couples planning on marriage need to discuss ahead of time, rather than ending up with painful or bitter conflicts later on. What are your financial assets, liabilities, and debt situation? What are your career aspirations? Do both parties plan to work? What if you have children? What would you like to do with the money you earn? Is a prenuptial agreement needed to protect both of your interests? How would financial responsibilities be divided between you? And if one spouse makes more money than the other, how will spending decisions be managed?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.