The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com

Here's a question from that gentleman in India who really is struggling to recapture that childhood view of owning your own life, looking at your future with bright eyes, eager to achieve, eager to have, eager to be your own person. Hi, Dr. Kenner, I am from India. For years, I have been trying to understand how to deal with people. My parents taught me that it was moral and good to sacrifice myself to do for everyone else but myself. I now know that their viewpoint has a name. It is called self-sacrifice, altruism. I have read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, and I realized that a lot of the emotional pain I have suffered came from always giving up my dreams and always deferring to others, rather than speaking my own point of view and pursuing my dreams. Now I know that there is an alternative moral habit, truly valuing myself. I think that's a cute way of putting it, a moral habit. The new way, self-valuing, brings peace to my soul. It's not like the vicious circle of altruism, in which, no matter how you act, you lose—that's giving up yourself all the time; you lose. I feel so lighthearted, and it makes so much sense. I feel psychologically independent in a healthy sense.

Here's my problem. Changing this idea in my mind has happened so fast, and the change feels so drastic that I find myself going back to the old, evil idea of self-sacrifice. I had been depressed for seven years and had five failed romantic relationships. It wasn't until I read The Fountainhead that I started to understand what was making me so sad. I am so glad to change. But how do I deal with the fact that I sometimes revert back to my old ways? How do I learn to value myself and give up the old pulls of altruism? Also, I feel so alone here in India. Any suggestions?

What do you say? Shrey, this is the problem that all of us face. Whose life is it, ours or somebody else's? And if we say someone else's, then we become the doormat in life. We never speak our own mind. "What restaurant do you want to go to?" "Oh, whatever you want, honey." "Do you want sex?" "Whatever you want, honey." I mean, it's everywhere—you with your boss, with your kids, in your romantic relationships. Altruism is a view that is typically taken as being something very good. You're the good person. You're the person who opens doors for people. But actually—

I’ve got to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

But actually, it, technically, philosophically, it is the moral code of self-sacrifice. Even the word altruism means "other-ism," "altru" means "other" in Latin. So it is devastating, and it does come across as a moral code, but it's actually an immoral moral code. So what is it contrasted to? Many times they put up a straw dog. They say, well, then if you're not doing for others, that must mean that you're selfish. You're only doing for yourself, and you don't give a darn about anybody else. It’s “me, my way or the highway.” That is not the only alternative. That is not a healthy moral code either. That "might-makes-right" view—rational egoism is the only rational view, valuing yourself and valuing those you judge as good friends, as good family members, and shunning those who are very bad family members or people who have hurt you. You need to be able to judge people accurately by rational moral standards and act accordingly.

So how do you change? It is not easy to change, so you need to know—there's a book on my website, Changing for Good. My website is DrKenner.com, D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com, and first you have to grasp the problem, which you've done. You've read The Fountainhead, and you understand the difference between a moral code that turns you into a doormat in life—altruism—and one that tells you to value your life without ever stepping on anyone else. Then you need to understand how to change. And if you beat up on yourself any time you slip up, you're not going to change. You're just going to throw up your arms and say, "What's the use? Why bother? I guess I can never change." Instead, if you develop what's called a learning stance, or a curiosity stance, or become a scientist, and you study: "Why is it difficult for me to change in this particular situation with my husband or with my mother?" and you study it, and you try to think of how you could change in the future, you'll be much better off.

So changing comes in stages. The first stage is understanding, and I think you've got that in spades. And the fact that you've moved into action tells me that you're doing fairly well there too. I want to address your loneliness. You're in India. You can access AynRand.org, you can ask them if there are any rational people or organizations that they know of in India, because maybe you can connect there. You can also connect with people who are on lists in the United States. I would speak to the Ayn Rand Institute. And dealing with loneliness—continue reading the books, because you will always have company whenever you want it. You could read Atlas Shrugged and The Virtue of Selfishness.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Kenner and Locke. Although many important personality traits are valuable in romance, some can properly be a matter of personal preference. Some partners enjoy more humor, some less. Some prefer gregarious partners; others prefer a more introspective, quiet one. Some like a person who enjoys spontaneity; others prefer planners. If partners are not well-matched or at least accepting of differences, such legitimate differences can result in chronic tension, painful arguments, and a conflict-ridden relationship. Even among partners who are good people, partners sometimes mistakenly treat such optional personality traits as moral issues. Such differences may be legitimate reasons for not wanting one another as soul mates, but they don’t make a person morally wrong.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.