The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Dear Dr. Kenner, see what you think about this one. I recently had a fight with my best friend. I was very upset, and in a moment of weakness, when I saw her diary on the table, I read several pages. I feel terribly guilty. She had a right to expect me to respect her privacy and her property. I was feeling anxious about our argument, and in that moment, I did not hold the proper context. I did not control my emotions, and I picked up the diary to browse through the last several pages to make myself feel better, to know that what she had said to me was the real truth of the issue. What I read were some really ugly opinions about me that were not fair. I respect that one purpose of a diary is to work out one's feelings, to get to one's final thoughts. I believe that what she has said to me and not what she wrote is the actual truth of her opinion. She had a right to keep her earlier thoughts to herself, and I did not respect that right. I am stuck with the guilt of knowing that I violated her privacy. I read her diary. If I confess this to her, I suspect she will never want to speak with me again. She is a very important person to me, even if I did not hold that context to honor her importance to me on this occasion. If I do not say something to her, however, I'll feel like a fraud. Her professed good opinion of me might not be the same if she knew I had read her diary and violated her privacy. This behavior was out of character for me and driven by strong anxiety, but I feel awful, and I don't know the right thing to do. Now, part of me feels like I've learned how foolish and self-destructive it is to do something like this, and I think this experience will prevent me from ever doing it again, that the way to make amends is to act well going forward. But part of me feels that this is still a fraud, and I need to let her know. Let her end the relationship if she deems my transgression so great as to warrant it. I know she feels very strongly about her privacy, which is why I think she would probably end the relationship. What would you counsel?

Jeanette, number one, you can feel enormously proud of yourself because you are taking your character seriously. You are valuing your integrity, that you want to be true, true to yourself, that you are very remorseful for having violated her privacy, that you've learned your lesson, and now, how do you deal with her? That's the big problem that you're facing, what will build your integrity and what won't, what won't. And you have two different directions you can go. Number one, you can tell her. You can tell her what you're feeling. You can just own up to it and take the hits, and in the best case scenario, she may say to you, "Jeanette, I am shocked, and I am hurt, but I understand that it must have been so tempting. I left my diary on the counter. I also said some pretty mean things to you when you were probably very curious. I know this is not you, and I'm so glad you had the courage to tell me that you read the diary. It makes me feel confident that you would never read it again. I'm also feeling embarrassed because I wrote some pretty nasty things about you, and that's not how I fully feel about you. I wish you had never read them. I hope you keep this in context. You mean a lot to me, and we were both hurting a lot at that moment."

Now, that would be a wonderful outcome. You would feel like you came forth and told her the truth. You would understand why she wrote the nasty things about you. By the way, that was very good on your part to know that part of the purpose of a diary is to process your own feelings and they don't accurately reflect the other person's overall feelings when they're in the heat of the moment, and she would understand that you were tempted by the diary because so much was at stake, and that you feel so remorseful that you'd never do it again. So that's the best-case scenario. However, worst case scenario,

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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that's the best-case scenario. However, worst-case scenario, it's always good to play best-case and worst-case scenarios when you're trying to make a decision. She could say, "I knew you were totally untrustworthy. I never want to talk to you again. That was the ultimate violation of my privacy, to read my diary. Our friendship is over, totally over, and I am going to warn the world that you are never to be trusted." Now, that's not quite such a wonderful outcome. If she says that, though, realize that this is her knee-jerk reaction; she may not feel this a day or a week later. So you can actually respond to the worst-case scenario by saying something like, "Jeanette, I can" – or not, "Jeanette," whatever her name is – "I can hear how shocked and hurt you are. I'm hoping over time, you'll realize that this is totally out of character for me, and that the guilt and pain I felt and my willingness to tell you about it is my proof to myself that I will not make such a choice in the future. I'm hoping you'll give this some thought, and we can recapture some of the friendship that we've shared over the years. I'd hate to have that one fact ruin the closeness that we've had. I know you wrote some nasty things about me in your diary, and I understand that we were both hurting a lot, and that what you said about me was not your accurate feelings towards me. I trust what you told me over what you wrote in your diary. I'm hoping that we can mend the relationship in time."

So you can actually manage it that way, and keep in mind that her evaluation of you is not your evaluation of you. You sound like a wonderfully upright, outstanding person who did a good thing, even though it was out of character. A good person can't do something out of character, and a good person will want to repair the damage. I did speak to somebody else, and they said that your other way of managing it, which is just making a commitment to yourself that you would never repeat that in the future and moving on, is something they would manage it. It would not be my choice. My choice would be to come out in the open with her, but just to know that this is the situation that requires a lot of careful thought.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. My show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. I'm a clinical psychologist, and here is a very quick question that I received. Why is society against the idea of suicide? Now, which society? A civilized society is pro-happiness, pro-life, pro-expanding the richness of your life and the values in your life, whether they're friendships or hobbies or a wonderful career. They don't hold suicide as the point that you want to get to in life. They hold suicide as an anomaly, something that, at all costs, you want to avoid. So in an uncivilized society where you have suicide bombers or people racing to get to heaven and not enjoying their own life, there is something very wrong like that, like in the Dark Ages, or in the Dark Ages that exist right now in many of the Muslim countries. So you need to realize that suicide is not a solution to anything. It is against any solutions with a normally healthy person.

However, there are extenuating circumstances. If someone is in excruciating daily pain, maybe this is an end-of-life issue. They have an incurable disease, and there's no possibility of improvement, and for the next year, they are going to be in this pain, or the next several months – that's not living. They have already psychologically lost their life, and to keep them alive under those circumstances against their will is not fair. They have a right at that point to take their life. My mother had to make that choice. My mother-in-law had to make that choice. She had to have been intubated and on a respirator for the rest of her – or in the hospital for the rest of her life, and she decided to go on a morphine drip and to end her own life.

If you have someone in your life who is suffering from suicide or suicidal thoughts, go look at my website, get the book, Choosing to Live. It's a wonderful book.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner,

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at drkenner.com and at amazon.com.

I can't believe you're getting upset over nothing. Well, I don't consider it nothing. I think we should talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. To not talk about it is just plain stupid.

And that's from Frasier. And we've all had those moments when we want somebody to talk about what's on their mind, but we're also yelling at them, telling them it's stupid to not talk about it. It's what you're upset about is stupid. We're not inviting them to speak about what's on their mind. So if you want to encourage someone to speak what's on their mind, don't throw in negative evaluations of them or of the subject. Just say, "Help me understand you better. I want to learn more about you." Develop a curiosity stance towards the person's anger or frustration or their very strong emotion. Draw them out. That's a much better skill.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. My show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. I'm a clinical psychologist. Visit my website, drkenner.com, and I have books I recommend. There are articles to read.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com and please listen to this that…

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Here are some guidelines necessary for effective communication in romance. Periodically summarize what you've heard in your own words when necessary for clarification, make sure that you really understand what your partner is saying. For example, "So you're saying that..." or "Did I hear you correctly that...?" Listen for issues that seem tied to strong emotions. Ask what the important value involved is. For example, "The most upsetting aspect of this for you seems to be…" or "Is that what's making you so sad or angry or anxious?" Give suggestions only if it is clear that your partner wants them. Often, your partner simply wants to feel understood.

You can download chapter one for free by going to drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.