The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner, the former slim prom queen who is now obese, shocks us because it reflects her lack of pride in her appearance. Serious psychological issues may underlie such a lack of self-care. For example, a sexually abused woman may label herself as damaged goods and then keep on the extra pounds to avoid looking sexually attractive. Sometimes individuals are just too depressed or busy to make an effort to look better. It's too much work to wear clean clothes or put on makeup, or ignoring one's looks may follow a failed romance after being hurt, and some just give up. Some feel they would be caving into cultural pressure if they improve their looks; others feel too meek and humble to make the most of their looks, fearing they'll be seen as vain. They fail to understand that looking nice is not the same as being obsessed with looks.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.

Are you in a romantic relationship, and the person you're with is high maintenance? How can you tell if he or she is worth the effort? Pick up the phone and call Dr. Ellen Kenner, toll-free at 877-DR-KENNER, that's 877-DR-K-E-N-N-E-R.

After dinner, I took a long stroll.

Suddenly, it struck me.

I'm single.

Now, I had gotten accustomed to thinking of myself as recently divorced, but that was five years ago.

I'm 43, and I'm alone.

And that’s from Fraser. Think about that: I’m 43, and I’m alone. How many people would draw the conclusion that there’s no hope for me? It's been five years since I divorced, and maybe I’ll never find anybody else. And they just feel disheartened. They feel like this. They won’t ever find romance. And instead, they could use that same thought—"Oh my gosh, I’m 43, I’ve been divorced five years. Five years have gotten away from me, and I don’t want to let the next five years get away from me." You know? I want to take action. Let me see what I can do about this. If they take that approach and see it as a problem to solve and as a wonderful value to pursue, to pursue romance, then they’re in a much better state because they’re drawing the conclusion that values are possible to achieve, in this case, romance, and that they’re capable of doing it with effort, of course, and that they can learn the effort. They can learn what’s needed to find a good romantic relationship. Whether you’re 35, 43, or 62, and you want to start a new romance, don’t give up on yourself. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner. My show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. My number is toll-free: 1-877-DR-KENNER, toll-free 1-877-7D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R. I’m a clinical psychologist, so of course, you can call me. No one could want to listen to me. Give me a call with any problems you’re having with family, friends, yourself, or a co-worker. Pick up the phone and give me a call, and you can also visit my website, DrKenner.com, D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com.

Here’s a question I received from someone who’s being given the silent treatment. Have you ever had that in your life, someone you’re close to refuses to talk to you? And how do you deal with that?

Dear Dr. Kenner, I’ve been in a serious relationship for a year and a half. My boyfriend has two children. His 11-year-old daughter refuses to acknowledge me when spoken to. She refuses to look at me or answer me. I have been nothing less than friendly to her. Her father constantly has to tell her to respect me and to respond to me. She is often rude to her father in front of me, and her behavior is upsetting to all of us. How do we handle this? Thank you, Jodi.

Jodi, the first thing you need to know is that what you’re doing currently is not working. You’ve run the experiment with Dad trying to tell her, "You’ve got to speak to Jodi. She’s my girlfriend. This is the woman I’ve chosen. Now, you speak to her. Now, look at her when she talks to you," and the 11-year-old just digs her feet in further and refuses to do anything. So, when something like this happens, you need to recognize that your current method isn’t working and then brainstorm alternatives. What would work now? When you try to force her mind over, it’s not going to work. If you said, "I want you to tell me right now what’s going on. I am sick and tired of these games. You speak right now," she may bury herself even further. But if you take a different approach, more like you’re curious, you’re inquisitive, you’re puzzled, you’re confused, and you say to her, “You know, hon, I noticed that you don’t talk to my girlfriend. I’m assuming this is that your boyfriend would do this. I noticed that you don’t talk to her, and I know I’ve yelled at you in the past for that. I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and asked you, what’s up with this, honey? Something is hurting you a lot. Something feels unfair, and my guess is you’re not only angry but you’re sad. And my guess is you feel a bit powerless to do anything about it. And I’m thinking maybe, if you feel comfortable, maybe even not today, you always give someone some thinking time, but maybe, you know, later this week or next week, we could talk. We could even do it privately without her around, and you could help shed some light on what’s going on, what’s hurting you, because you’re my daughter, and I want to feel close to you, and I want that to—I want to be able to get over this hump together. So let me know what’s going on." So that’s what your boyfriend can do.

What can you do when she acts that way? Well, he actually has two children, and one of them, obviously, is talking to you because you’re not complaining that both aren’t talking to you. We don’t know what this little girl has been told. She may have been told some really negative misinformation about you, or it may simply be that she misses her mom. She wishes Dad was still married to Mom, and she promised herself she would never love the other woman that Dad is with, and she’s trying to keep her integrity and keep that promise. You can just let her know, "I noticed that you don’t want to talk to me, and I’m at a stalemate. I don’t quite know what to do. My guess is, at some point, you’ll want to let me know what’s going on, and so help me understand how we can deal with the times that we’re together a little better, since I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I don’t want to ignore you either. So let’s talk about that." It’s good to get to the sad underbelly of what’s making her so sad. Because typically when people are angry, that’s one emotion, but underneath that, you’ve got a big loss that’s going on. They’re feeling that something’s not fair, and there’s some hurt going on. So if you can address the loss, sometimes people will even, even without their intending it, break down in tears, and the actual story comes out. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner, and the show is The Rational Basis of Happiness.

Here is a question I received from someone who doesn’t like people and feels guilty about it. Maybe you’ve felt that way sometimes too.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, I find that I don’t like people. I feel bad because I’m Christian, and you’re supposed to love everyone, but it is so hard to love everyone. Do you think it’s because I work in a place where people are rude and disrespectful to me? I think that I need to go to anger management because I get so upset with them. It is also because we are short-staffed at work, and I feel like I’m doing the job of three. Can you tell me what to do? Mary?

Mary, it’s really hard because on one hand, I can’t tell you what to do, but we can talk about the situation. If you’re told that you need—let’s look at number one, the Christian view that you’re supposed to love everyone, even your enemy. Does that make sense? What would be the definition of love? If that were the case, love would mean blind my own judgment, blind my own ability to discriminate between people who steal, rob, cheat, murder, and rape, and treat them as if they’re equal to the people who don’t cheat, rob, murder, and cheat and rape. You know, you’re trying to blind your own ability to see differences in people. You need to see differences. If you’re hiring a babysitter, you don’t want a child molester. You need to see differences in people. So, the Christian view that you’re supposed to love everyone has a fatal flaw in it. You can’t do it. It’s not realistic. It is not healthy. There’s an alternative view that says that you need to judge everyone with a firm, you know, even if you don’t have information on them, be judgmental. This person is bad because they’re Jewish, or they’re the wrong cult, or they have the wrong color skin. Now, that obviously is another error that’s telling people to judge, but based on non-volitional information. These people didn’t deliberately do anything wrong. Maybe they’re too tall, and you don’t like them, or you don’t like their skin color. It’s unfair to make generalizations about everyone when you don’t know that individual’s character. So, you’re talking about feeling real angry with people, and you’ve obviously drawn a conclusion that you can’t get along with people, and that the problem is with other people. You need to know that it is proper to judge people. Some people are nice at work. I can guarantee you that not 100% of the people who work there—you’ve told me where you work. It’s a big organization. Not 100% of the people can be evil or bad. Somebody has to be nice. So scout out those nice people. Train yourself to see better people, and also, you must deal with them in a way that might invite some negatives from them. If you get angry with them, you lose your temper, then I understand that you may get angry with them. So, I think giving yourself some cognitive therapy and working on a better way to deal, learning how to diffuse people who are rude and disrespectful might help you. And there are wonderful anger management books. There’s an anger management workbook that you can get, and I hope that helps.

Do you have family or friends who are serving overseas, and do you have any idea what issues they face when they return home? Very often when our returning vets come home, they have problems that family members may not be aware of, that they’re hiding. When we return, I’ll be talking with Jay White from the Hartford Veterans Center about the issues that soldiers experience when they return home. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner on The Rational Basis of Happiness.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke. We've all had the experience of seeing people dressed in dumpy clothes with unattractive hairstyles. We may think if only they made the most of their appearance, how nice they could look. If you’ve been to a high school reunion and seen what some formerly attractive classmates let happen to their looks, you may have recoiled in shock, thinking, I can’t believe they let themselves go like that. Try an experiment. Take a careful look at yourself in a mirror. If your ideal romantic partner were to meet you now, what would be his or her first impression? What would your posture, clothes, and grooming reveal about you? What sort of person would you like to attract? What changes in your appearance would make this more likely?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.

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