The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

I'm not sure I understand. You got the brains, I want you to tutor him. Percy is flunking history. I think it seems to be able to motivate him. Hey, I'm challenged. You're lazy, self-involved, and spoiled. That's quite the challenge. So you're gonna take on a little teaching job.

I know how you enjoy teaching, yes, but I still have classes, and I don't. Rosenberg, it's time to give something back to the community.

I know you want to help your school out here.

Ask me how I know? How do you... I just know, and that's from Buffy. Think about that phrase: you have to give something back to the community. What's your gut response? I don't mean the response that you tell other people, you know, "Oh, yeah, I understand. I'm just trying to give back to the community." Most people feel guilt. It's a sinking guilt, because it's a guilt they don't understand. They don't know what they stole from the community. They don't know what they took from the community to give back. And if you think about it, what that's doing is engendering a feeling of unearned guilt in people—"give back to the community." Well, you get these very highly productive people who are loving their lives, and then they're told, "You have to give back to the community." Well, what do you mean in this case? It's not Rosenberg—is that her name? I have to check here. I don't watch—I'm not a Buffy watcher—but Rosenberg has to... she's being forced. He's trying to force her mind, and the weapon he's using is unearned guilt—that she has to give back to the community and use her wonderful teaching skills on someone who's lazy and self-involved, and that's not fair.

So you need to know how to counter that. If someone says, "You need to give back to the community," they're assuming that you don't own your own life, that the community owns it, and you took something, and therefore you have to give back, as opposed to a trade or relationship. You make yourself into a lovely person. You enjoy your life. Other people make themselves into decent people. They enjoy their lives. And you trade. It's a mutual, voluntary trade—not a forced trade. So I'm against all forced trade. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. My show's The Rational Basis of Happiness, and that means that you want to ditch unearned guilt in your life. If you've done something terribly wrong, or even a small guilt thing that makes you feel guilty and you know that it's wrong, then you own responsibility for that. But none of this unearned guilt, none of this "you're making me sick because you don't eat your food on the table." None of that type of guilt.

If someone tries to make you feel guilty, you want the response that my daughter had towards me when she was a very young child. We were driving in the car, and I was trying to make her feel guilty for something she didn't do. I don’t wish I had the example, but I remember she just looked at... I didn’t see her, but I could hear it in her voice. She just said, "Mom, are you trying to make me feel guilty?" Boy, that stopped me cold in my tracks, and from that point on, I monitored that I did not want to do that to my daughter, to dose her, just douse her with unearned guilt.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. Here's an email I received from Margie. This is about a young girl who's wearing a very short skirt.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. The other day, I asked my stepdaughter to go inside and change her clothes because she was wearing a short skirt. She threw a fit, she yelled at me. She said, "Just wait and see what my dad has to tell you," which I took not only as a threat, but I also found very disrespectful. We live half a block from school. When she yelled at me, she was barely getting inside the car. I turned around and said, "Excuse me, what did you say?" She didn’t say anything back. I told her, "You know what you can do? You can get out and walk to school." Now, in my opinion, I was right, but my husband threw a fit. He told me I should have just ignored her. She's almost 10. It's been four days now, and he is still mad. Do you think he is right? I would really like your opinion. Thanks, Margie.

Now, Margie, when you're a kid—if I went... if I were a kid her age—I'm 10, almost 10 years old. I went to the Gap. I got a new skirt. It's short. It's what all the girls are wearing. I love this skirt. I feel even a little sexy in it. I feel pretty in it. And my stepmom comes in and tells me to go. She orders me, she threatens me, she says, "Go inside and change your clothes." She’s trying to override my judgment. Now, my response is, I would be really upset. Don’t tell me what to do.

Notice at this point, things happening in the conversation—we’re no longer having a conversation about the skirt. We’re having a conversation about, "Don’t tell me what to do." And then you come back and you said, "Honey, don’t tell me what to do. Don’t threaten me." And so now it’s become a personal attack. Both of you are attacking one another. It’s no longer a skirt issue.

So at that point, your husband said, "Oh gosh, I wish this didn’t blow out of proportion." Do you have a right to speak up? Yes. How? If your goal is to reach her mind, then if you order her to change her clothes at the age that she’s at—when she’s discovering her independence—it’ll backfire the way it did. If you try to reach out differently and you say, "You know, I noticed that’s a short skirt, and I’ll bet you love that skirt. Now’s not the time to wear it. Why don’t you wear it when we have a party? You know, we’re having a party this weekend, and you can wear the skirt then. I’m concerned about you wearing it to school." She may have been more open to it, or she may have said, "Nah, I want to wear it." And then you need to coach yourself. "Okay, this is an issue to bring up with her after school, not at the split second she’s about to get into the car."

So it’s your challenge to her that starts the ball rolling. And in the traditional way of parenting, you’d say, "Yes, you’ve got to set boundaries. You’ve got to put your foot down. You’ve got to be firm." But in the traditional way, kids don’t love their parents.

So what I recommend is not being a wimp, not doing exactly what your husband says—ignore it when it really bothers you—but her comment back to you, I wouldn’t ignore that. She needs to suffer the natural consequences. If she yells at you, you don’t have to drive her to school. That’s true, especially when it’s only a half-block away. But you need to learn good communication skills so you never have to shut your mouth when you see something that bothers you. Never have to be a pushover or a doormat as a parent. But you never let her walk over you too.

And I recommend going to my website, DrKenner.com, and reading the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Also, getting a book Between Parent and Teenager by Dr. Haim Ginott—G-I-N-O-T-T. It’s an older book, but it’s absolutely fabulous. If she’s already 10, you’ll want that book moving forward.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad. Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Doctors Kenner and Locke:

We believe that many, if not most, "sex problems" are not at root sex problems, but rather relationship problems. Typically, couples who enter therapy with "sexual problems" soon discover that underlying the tension or breakdown in the sexual relationship are a multitude of unresolved and often unidentified conflicts or resentments. Also, partners rarely know how to develop a couple style of intimacy—a style of sexuality that is mutually satisfying. Partners develop a couple style when they have clearly communicated what is arousing and pleasing, and together, they come up with a variety of methods of sexual pleasuring that integrate both partners' needs and are not off-putting to either one. As partners learn each other’s intimacy preferences, they come up with their own style.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.