The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

My question is whether I should leave my husband or stay with my husband. He got a DUI, and when he got it, there was another woman in the car. So, his job is in jeopardy.

Okay. Do you leave your husband if he's been caught drunk driving? And, by the way, he has his lady friend in the car, and he's married. Now, the wife is asking, what do I do? Do I leave or not? Well, the questions that you need to ask yourself are, what is the value of staying with him? What happiness and joy does he bring into your life? What long-range happiness and joy are you staying for? Are you staying for the incidentals? Are you staying for safety or security or for religious reasons, or because he's the father of your kids, whatever that means? What character traits are you willing to live with? And if you're willing to live with a drunk and a cheat, what does that say about your own evaluation of yourself?

What is self-esteem? You want to value yourself, to have earned the character traits that make you lovable. And then, guess what? When you do that, you're going to want a lovable partner; you're not going to want a guy who's cheating on you. That is a tremendous betrayal. So the first book that I might suggest is After the Affair, which talks about how to rebuild trust when a partner has been unfaithful. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com, and I've got that book there—it's by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring. However, I'm recommending that book not so you stay with him, but so that—

I have to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back with more on romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance—a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

However, I'm recommending that book not so you stay with him, but so that you see what would be necessary—what responsibility he has to re-earn your trust. You get some rational standards in your mind. If you're calling and you already know you want to leave him, then get some professional help. Get some therapy to help make the transition for yourself. If you love him dearly, if there are things you weren’t able to tell me in that very short question that make a world of difference, then you need to process all of that and think about your long-range happiness. Will he be good for you, long-term, for your own happiness?

So again, you want a good image of yourself. You want to earn that; you can't just fake it. Build a good evaluation of yourself and then say, “Is he worthy of it?” If so, is he worthy of fighting for this marriage? If so, what responsibilities does he have? Picture three years from now—what would you like to see happen? If you think that your happiness requires leaving him, don’t hesitate. Think it through clearly, but if you've already done that, then you can seek a divorce. If not, do all the thinking necessary to make sure your long-range happiness is intact.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

What a pleasure to see you again. You look more beautiful than ever. Tell me, what do you think of this building? I’ve been trying to take a poll about the guests. What—a poll of opinion about it, what for? In order to find out what you think of it yourself?

Now that's from The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. The idea of taking a poll of what other people think about a building, or what other people think about your dress or anything else in life—if you have that mentality, what that tells you is that you don’t know how to think for yourself, and you never want to do that. You never want to make other people's judgments the standard of whether you like something or not because it isn’t true that you like it or not. Everybody has their own private evaluation of something. All you're doing is showing that you’re afraid of people, and you don’t want to go through life making other people’s standards the standard of what you think, what you value. It seems like it's seemingly safe, you know? If I say what other people expect or want, then I can never be wrong. They’ll like me. They’ll like me. Because if they say, “Oh, do you like the food I cooked?” and you say, “Oh, it’s fabulous,” when you really can’t stand it, you want to throw it down the toilet, you can’t be wrong. But notice—there is no you, there’s no individuality, no independent judgment. Don’t ever do that to yourself.

My show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. I’m a clinical psychologist, and this show is for you. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

You cannot value romance if you don’t have other values in your life. Some of the areas in which you can pursue values are a career or a job. Is your job or career something you love, or did you choose it for other reasons, such as conformity, fear, or duty? The ideal job is one about which you say, “This job is so great, I can’t believe they pay me to do it.” Not everyone can find such a job, especially in bad economic times, but it’s worth the effort, even if it means changing careers. And home: make your home warm and inviting, tailored to your aesthetic taste and needs. Don’t make it a vehicle for showing off, but do make it your own—a reflection of your standards and desires, not those of others.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.