The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Alexis, you are having a problem. You're 13 years old. I understand. Yep, yeah, tell me what's going on.

Well, my mom doesn't call or talk to me anymore at all. Like she is out of the picture. I live with my grandma. I don't even think she loves me anymore. Well, what happened? Well, my mom and my grandma got in a fight because of some of my friends, because they were Black. My mom is white; I'm Hispanic and Black also. And my mom said she doesn't want me hanging out with Black people. She hates Black people, and that she doesn't want me to have anything to do with them, and I went against that.

And you're 13 years old. Are these good people? I mean, did you forget about the color? Are these decent people? Are they good friends? Yes, they are. So that's telling me. What about you?

It upset me very much. I told her that it upset me, and she basically told me that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

Okay, so I don't know what's going on with your mother, but I want to tell you that I am very impressed with you, because if these people— I don't care what color they are—Black, purple, orange, white. I don't care if they were bad influences in your life, if they were drinking and drugging and really not encouraging the best in you. Good friends will encourage the best in you, they're the cheerleaders for you. If they were really, you know, getting you into a life that was not healthy for you, in whatever way that would be, then I would agree with your mother—not about the Black thing, but about the friends not being friends in the true sense of the word. But if your mother's only argument is this, the racist, the horrible argument about something that's totally nonessential—the color of their skin—then I say that you have enormous courage to remain friends with your friends. I think it's your mother's problem that she needs to work out. I don't know her history. Sometimes people have a trauma in their past where they draw a conclusion, like people who might have fought in a war against, oh, let's say Japan. They might, you know, and the Japanese might have been their enemies, and they were shooting at them. And then, you know, then they go into a store, a Japanese restaurant, and they still get that feeling of, "Oh, my God, they're my enemy." And they have to work through that. That's trauma, you know, war-related trauma. They have to work through it and realize that each person is an individual, Alexis, and that you judge a person on their individual character, not the fact that they happen to look Japanese or come from Japan, or, in your case, the color of the skin. So tell me, what does Grandma say to you?

My grandma told me that I'm going to have to just buck up and just deal with it.

I don't know. I mean, I've been trying to go day by day, you know? Like I tried to call her. She doesn't get to the phone, you know?

So you're chasing her, and she's just shut the door for two weeks?

Yep, and longer than that. But if it—say it again, it's been longer than that. But yeah.

What do your friends say? Do they know about this?

Yeah, they do.

What do they say to you?

They say that it's mean and that she's the mean person.

Yeah. And what do you think about that?

I think what she did was mean, but I don't think she's a mean person at all.

What do you love about her?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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I think what she did was mean, but I don't think she's a mean person at all.

What do you love about her?

I love that she's my mother, and I love, hopefully, that she loves me, and I respect her, and I respect what she says. And if she believes that way, then I guess she believes it.

Is it rational or not? Is it based on fact? Are these bad people because of their color?

No, skin color.

So your mom is making—

Right? She's making a bad choice.

Yeah. And what is her resolution? Good to try to force you to give up these friends, or what is she doing? What do you think is up with her?

She wants me to just shut the door on all of them, but I don't want to do that.

What would that do to you if you shut the door on these particular friends? What would that be saying to your mother? And what would it be saying to you?

That'd be telling my mother that she is right, and it'd be kind of trying to teach me that that is true, even though it's not.

And it would be teaching you to go by your own judgment, or your mother's judgment, or other people's judgment?

My mom, yeah.

And if you made that choice once in life, what would happen if your mom didn't want you to go to this particular school that you really wanted to go to, or have a particular career that was a decent career that she didn't want you to go into? What choice might you make then, if you make the choice now that mom is right? Just give in, appease her?

I know it doesn't make sense, but I'll go along with her.

I wouldn't get what I needed.

You wouldn't be true to yourself, would you? No, you'd be betraying yourself. So your mom has put both of you in an awful bind, because my guess is she's really sad and she loves you, and she probably, hopefully, in private moments, she's questioning herself because she really should question herself. Would she consider therapy?

No, she refuses to go.

Really? What does that tell you?

That she doesn't want to change.

It tells you that she probably doesn't want the truth to come out, because therapy, you've got a mediator there. It's not just you and your mom, but it's somebody else. What about Dad? Is he in the picture at all?

Well, I went to a therapist, but she stopped working.

Who? The therapist?

Yeah, you went privately?

Yeah, yeah.

Where's your father? Is he in the picture?

No. Oh, what happened with him?

Well, my mom got pregnant with me when she was 17, okay? And my mom told my dad that I wasn't his. So yeah, even though I was.

Okay. So there's another confusing part. Are you okay with that?

Not really. That kind of makes me mad, but—

Oh, I would love for you to get some therapy so you could talk with someone. I mean, we were only talking for a few minutes here, but you had the courage to call in. You had the courage to stick to your guns, and you still love your mother and you want to connect, and you don't know how to resolve it. Has Grandma given you any advice?

She just—not really.

Okay.

Yeah, I would work with Grandma and see if you could get some therapy for yourself. I would recommend what is called a cognitive therapist for your age. You could also get a book, "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk." You can go to my website, DrKenner.com, d r, k, e n, n, e r.com. That may help give you some communication skills to work with Mom a little better.

Okay, okay. And I want to tell you you've got an enormous amount of courage, and I hope you can remain true to yourself and help Mom learn that she's making a very big mistake, that she's judging people on nonessentials, and reconnect with her. It may take a while. Listen, I wish you so much success with this. I wish you good friendships, and I wish you a very good relationship with your grandma.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Alexis. Bye-bye. And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

The Lord didn't make the sun until the fourth day. That's correct, that first day. Well, what do you think it was? 24 hours long? Michael says it was a day. Well, it was no sun. How do you know how long it was? The Bible says it was a day. What was it? A normal day? A literal day? A 24-hour day? I don't know. What do you think?

I do not think about things. I do not think about.

And that's from "Inherit the Wind." And what do you do when a person gets to the point of saying, "I do not think about things. I do not think about"? You have hit a steel wall. They will not talk. They are evading. They are refusing to think about things that are important to them. In this case, the person needed to think through the questions that were being raised in this case about religion, but any issue in your life—it could be a relationship issue—and they just put up that steel wall. I'm not going there. I'm not going to think about it. Why? Because they have chosen in their life to go by authority rather than to use the wonderful ability to think for themselves. That earns them self-esteem, self-respect, that gets them the values that they want in life, rationally.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance" by Drs. Kenner and Locke. Although compromise has its place in relationships, some things will be non-negotiable because they are relationship breakers. If a partner insists you ride behind him on his motorcycle without a helmet, and you're terrified of motorcycles, how could you compromise? Drive only half as many miles as he wants? If your partner wants her boorish, alcoholic brother, who is dating a prostitute, to move in for a few months, would you compromise by letting them stay only a few weeks? What on earth would you gain from such compromises, except misery? Other non-negotiable issues include serious moral issues such as chronic lying, infidelity, or undependability. You could try persuading one another with principled arguments, but if you cannot find a resolution, you and your partner could be mismatched. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.