The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Michael, you're having difficulties with your wife.

Yes, I am. Thank you for taking the call.

Yeah, what's going on?

Well, she seems to put on to me her own behavior, especially negative behaviors.

Where can you give me an example of that?

A lot of it centers around children. She'll make accusations that I mistreat children in some ways, not abuse, but that I mistreat the children. I mean, you know, I'm kind of unfair, and things of that nature. Mostly, a lot of it centers around being just generally unfair.

How old are the kids?

Well, we've raised these children. Currently, we have some in college and some in high school.

But wait a minute, some? How many kids do you have? Are these your own biological children?

We share. I have three; she has two.

Okay, and they range in ages from what?

Oh, well now, 21 to 16.

21 to 16 years old? We started out; they were ranging from ages seven to two, approximately, when we first started.

And so she's telling you you're mean. They're all teenagers or young adults at this age, right? And she's accusing you of being mean and unfair. Can you give me an example of something negative that happened recently that might have prompted you to make this phone call?

Well, it's just been an ongoing scenario for most of our married relationship. I've just tolerated it because I love the kids, and I still love her, of course. But it just doesn't seem right to me that she would—well, the specific example is kind of hard. A lot of what she claims I do is generalized in the fact that, oh, I'm just unfair. I don't assign chores fairly. She claims that I play favorites, for example.

Well, okay, here's a good one. She makes the example that one of my direct sons, Kyle, that I favor him, and she can't say anything whatsoever to me regarding his behavior. But in fact, it's the exact opposite, where it is one of the other children that, you know, if I try to make a comment on just how to raise a child or misbehavior among the child, she won't listen to me. She'll get up and walk away.

So it's my kids, your kids. Is that what's going on?

A lot of that, yeah. A lot of it is that; it boils down to that in some aspects.

Do you feel somewhat protective of your two?

Oh, my three.

Oh, your three, yeah. Well, I'm somewhat protective, but I understand that there's the nurturing nature, you know, that we have to live with. I allow her to try to be a parent, but one of the things that she's always tried to be is she's trying to be a mom and a dad and not let me be the dad.

So you're wanting more involvement.

Well, I already gave up on that. I just go ahead and do what I do the best I can. But I just don't understand why she makes the claim that I specifically do things like play favorites when she is, in fact, the one that plays the—

Okay, let me give you a quick analogy. My husband and I enjoy ballroom dancing. We take lessons, and when I'm dancing with him, guess what I observe when we mess up? Guess what I think and what I observe?

Don't know.

That he's the problem. I totally see it as his footwork needs help. In fact, today we had a dance lesson, and I'm looking at his footwork, thinking, "Boy, he needs help." At the end of the class, the dance teacher took me aside and said, "Ellen, I want to have a class with you alone, a one-hour class with you, because we've got to work on your footwork." And I was floored because what did I think? It was my husband who was messing up.

So partly, one of the problems that exist—and I’m not saying that what you observe is not the case. That can be the case too, but we look out much more easily than we look inward. We can see someone else's errors or someone else messing up much easier than we see it in ourselves because what we do feels right when you've been married for many years, right? If you—how many years? You can do the math quicker than me.

19 years?

Yeah. No, no, is it 19?

It would be—yeah, it's been nine years.

Nine years you've been married.

Oh, no, no, we've been married, what, I think this is what, 12 or so now.

Oh, married 12 years.

Okay, so when you've been married that long and the habits have set in, and you're now dealing with teenagers and young adults, you want a way—

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance, that is interesting.

When you've been married that long and the habits have set in and you're now dealing with teenagers and young adults, you want a way. It's really hard to change long-established habits, but you need to fight for your values. If you want to be the dad, or even the mom, just one of the parents, if you want more involvement, then I would recommend going to my website and getting a book, which I think the authors—the goals have written books that are the gold standard in parenting. It's "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen," and it's a very easy read. I think that you will get a lot of ideas in that book on how to come back in as an involved parent, how to sit and listen for your children's emotions to really be there for them. I don't know, maybe you do this already, but think of the person in your own life, Michael. Who would you say is the person that you felt really understood you, really got you, really enjoyed being with you? Maybe an older person that you just felt totally at home with. Does someone come to mind?

Well, I have a twin brother, so—

And is he good? Is he supportive of you and loving, apart from the couple of spats you might have had growing up?

No. Well, we just think alike. You know, I kind of know how his brain works, and I'm sure he understands how mine works.

Okay? I die on many, many, many issues.

Okay, I hear the smile in your voice. I hear the comfort of being in his presence. You want to be with your kids in a way that gives them that same loving, supportive feeling. And it's hard to do that in a blended family. It's even harder when they're in the teenage years, see, and it's harder when your wife wants to play both roles—mom and dad. But it'd be nice if she could take a vacation and, you know, share it with you.

And it's much—

She only wants to play mom and dad for her own, you know, oh, not for yours. You know, there's a whole lot.

Okay? Sometimes, yes. Sometimes guilt drives that, you know.

I separated or I divorced. Was it a divorce situation?

Well, for both of us, yeah.

So sometimes, and I know we're right at the end of time here, sometimes the mom feels so guilty because she's been told she'll destroy the family that she hovers over them like a mother bird. And that's not necessarily good, but you can have some empathy for that. But I think if you both read that book, it would give you new ideas. You could smile together, and you could make the changes together, as my husband and I did when we read those books. It became a nice challenge for us.

So let me ask, though, is it really, though, is there a common thing for somebody to actually get the idea that what they're doing is actually—or push it off on or blame somebody else?

Yeah, you can have—you know, many times people project onto their partner what they're doing wrong, and when they are able to face it, if that's great.

Listen to this. I'm Dr. Alan Kenner. You're listening to the Rational Basis of Happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Alan Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal-setting.

Telling your partner why you fell in love should not be a one-time occurrence, and it would become meaningless if you went through the same list every day. Better to point out specific qualities that you've observed from time to time: "You look especially handsome or beautiful tonight. I love that color on you. I admire the total honesty you showed when talking to the Smiths. That's a quality I've always cherished in you. I love the way you encouraged me to pursue my career when I was having real doubts about my ability to do it."

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.