The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Here is a question I received from—let's see what his name is—Jason.

Dear Dr. Kenner, my father makes many demeaning statements about nearly everyone, including his own children. My siblings and I, all over 50 years old now, all struggle with weight issues. At Christmas, my father told my brother that he, in quotes, "needed a haircut, looked like Santa Claus and weighed the same as Santa Claus." Unquote. My father thinks this is funny. It greatly upset my brother, and my dad calls me Crisco. All of us are decent, law-abiding, non-alcoholic, good people. None of us are confined to the house because of weight issues, but some of us could probably stand to lose 30 pounds. My father has called my sister a fat cow or a fat pig hundreds of times. My sister ignores him and doesn't seem to get how much damage he's done to our lives. My father is 85, so I don't expect him to change. He's been like this all his life. This did not come with advancing age. I avoid him if possible. I can only stand about eight hours in his house before I start getting tense. Luckily, I live far away. Well, not that I'm really that lucky. I planned it that way. My question is this: Is my sister in extreme denial, or am I just way too sensitive about my father?

Jason, alliances in families are very interesting. Your sister rushes to your father's rescue. Why would she do that? And she says the name-calling and the labeling doesn't bother her—fat cow, fat pig. But then, why is she overweight? Would she have preferred to have been called my princess or my bright kid or my darling daughter or my creative genius? My suggestion, Jason, is not to argue with your sister. I think you'd be wasting your time. She's supporting your father's bad behavior, and that is really her issue. It’s between her and her own subconscious and her and your father.

But the second point is that you matter. Your father has made a very costly error. He has not seen the good in you. He has not chosen to focus on strengths in you, in your other siblings, and in other people. You say he does this to everyone, and so he's like a bully. He focuses like a bully in a schoolyard. He makes fun of people, and that often contributes, if you're—if he's your dad—to weight problems in your case. So his jabs are not humorous. They are cowardly. They are feeding on other people's weaknesses. And I suspect that his jabs are driven by his own self-doubt or self-hatred or envy.

So you and your siblings seem to have made yourselves into better people, certainly better than your dad, and you are right that he's unlikely to change at the age of 85, and he's done so much damage to his relationship with you. However, your moving away from him and deciding to minimize contact with him does allow you that freedom to breathe, the freedom to build yourself in your own image.

So here's what I recommend.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick break, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? This Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

So here's what I recommend. If you visit him, no matter what time of year, what season, what holiday, I don't know how you can take eight hours of him. I probably could take two seconds of a guy like that, especially if he were my dad. But if you visit him again and he calls you, "Hey, Crisco," meaning, "Hey, fatso," you can try to respond to him a little differently. You can call him on it. You don't have to get angry. You can say, "Dad, you've done this for decades, and you can see on my face that I don't find it humorous. I hate being called that name, and it puzzles me that you continue doing this and telling yourself that it's funny when it's not. You refuse to see the good in me. I wish you would stop this. We could have a much better relationship if you did."

Now, that takes a lot of courage to say. It may make it a very different Christmas for you. You could choose to do it. Otherwise, you don't have to do it. You don't have to do it at all, if you like, something along those lines of giving yourself a little justice. I—you know, I don't know how much dad's aging, and he probably—I don't know how many years he has to live. I know my husband's grandmother lived to 104, so I caught myself saying, you know, he probably doesn't have that much more to live, but he isn't getting younger.

So if you want to have that satisfaction of having said something to him and get some closure for yourself, you certainly can do that. You can write it in a letter. If it's going to wreak more havoc in your life, then I would just say it to yourself and have that satisfaction of knowing that it's pointless. He's irrational. You're not going to get through to him. He's too old, and the type of justice that you want is getting on with your own life, is really valuing your own life.

And you can talk with your other siblings apart from your sister and see if they feel likewise. Because I think there's a way of all of you gaining support from one another. I know when siblings are in a family where there's an abusive parent, sometimes one or two siblings will side with the abusive parent and the others don't. It's good if the siblings who are rational can be supportive and loving of one another and have empathy for one another and seek help for one another too.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

You do not need to personally value everything that your partner or spouse values in order to encourage action. For example, he might enjoy watching action movies or playing golf, and she might enjoy reading mystery novels and hiking. This is not a problem, as long as each shows respect for the other's values, assuming that the values are rational. Of course, if you have no values in common, the question arises: Why are you partners at all? You cannot make your partner into something he or she isn't. You cannot make your loved one into your image. You need to find the right person for you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.