The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr Kenner.com now, what happens if your father wants to walk back into or walk into your life? And what happens if you're really young when this is happening, and mom is feeling very ambivalent about this? So here’s a question from Rebecca.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, I have a 16-month-old daughter, Tammy. She's always with me and has developed separation anxiety. She does not like strangers or want to have family and friends take her for babysitting. She does not know her father, and now he wants to see her. Two questions. Number one, is it emotionally damaging to force her to go with this man who’s a stranger? And number two, what is the best way for a toddler to establish a relationship with an absent parent?

Rebecca, so the first question, is it emotionally damaging to force her to go with this man who's a stranger? And I would say the biggest problem you have is the word force. If you see it that way, if you see that you’re just shoving your daughter onto a man that you once knew, you once had an intimate relationship with, but you no longer do, and you’re going to force her to be with him, then you guys are going to run into problems because she already has separation anxiety. So you want to reframe the question. You want to ask yourself, What is the best way to introduce someone new into my toddler's life? So whether it’s her father, which it is in this case, or a regular sitter, and you want to go work with him.

You want to remind yourself, Hey, look, it’s the end of our romantic relationship together. That’s completely over, but there’s a different bond or connection that we do have. We are both parents of our daughter, Tammy, and we want a co-parenting relationship. So assuming he’s not abusive and assuming he genuinely wants to bond with her, you're going to need to look at your own private thoughts, because you may be your own worst enemy. If he's a good guy, he wants to connect again, he’s given it some thought, and he wants to bond with her. You may have thoughts that, Oh my gosh, so much easier without him. And you know, he cheated on me, and I want payback, and I don’t like the way he’s going to be bringing her up, because he doesn’t have a regimented schedule, and life will be so much more complicated if he comes back into it, and I may not get my child support. And what if he has a girlfriend, and my daughter takes to her more than me?

So as a mom, you’re going to have all sorts of thoughts that will tell you, Hey, keep him out of the picture. But you can also focus on the benefits. You know, it will give my daughter, Tammy, who’s just very young, a sense of grounding, and it’s much easier for her to form a bond with her father at the toddler stage than at the teenage stage, and it will be nice for me to be able to take some breaks. I won’t need the 24/7 with her all the time. And I can learn new skills. I can learn how to be a good co-parent, and maybe he’ll step up to the plate and be a good parent.

So one of the key questions—I heard a divorce specialist speak recently, and his name is Rocky Spino, and he asked the question, which I think is fabulous. And the question is, As a parent, you ask yourself, what kind of childhood do I want for my child when she is 18 years old? What recollections do I want her to have to look back at? And that may inform your decision as to how to introduce dad into the picture, how to—whether to do it. Assuming he’s not abusive, there’s no reason not to do it, and how to ease her into being around him.

Now, just a few points on that.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw here? Here it is The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Now, just a few points on that. She needs to learn. If she’s going through separation anxiety, she’s afraid to leave you. She cries her eyes out whenever you try to leave her. She needs to learn that you do disappear and reappear. We play the game with kids, Peekaboo. Peekaboo—you know, you hide behind a little cloth, and then you come out. Peekaboo. Well, she needs to know that. You, as a mom, will disappear for a few hours and then reappear. And so you need to let her practice.

You say she’s always by your side. You need to give her breaks from you and you breaks from her. I would see kids coming into a school. I worked at a Montessori school for a short time, and I would see the kids coming in, young little kids, preschoolers, crying, Mommy or Daddy, don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. And the parents would be tortured, and the parents would tear themselves away from their darling little ones who need them so desperately. The little ones would cry for two or three minutes more, and then they’d be running off to play with blocks or play on the swings or do something else. They completely forgot about the parents. But the parents are assuming—the parents are driving off to work, thinking, Oh my God, I’ve tortured my kid.

Kids do adapt, so it is good to practice having some breaks with your child. Also, you can have a transitional strategy—maybe not let your daughter go immediately with her dad, but have a play date together where you’re there together. Or you can go to counseling together and introduce your daughter in the context of counseling. Or you can learn silly songs, and he can learn silly songs that you all can sing together. So I don’t see any reason not to do it, provided that there’s no abuse involved. And I would give it a shot.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Here’s a question I received from someone anonymous.

Hello, my wife and I are having a baby, and we’re picking names. There’s one name that we both like very much. It’s a foreign name from Finland, so it’s uncommon for here, but not ridiculous or controversial. It’s interesting. I’m willing to choose it, but my wife is reluctant. She says that she doesn’t want to brand our son for life. She says it’s a great name for a baby or a child, but that she has a hard time imagining it as an adult name. This is anonymous.

When you’re picking a name for a child, you want it to be a joint decision that both of you make. So if she’s a little uncomfortable with it, please generate a few more names that both of you enjoy, because you don’t want your wife to feel uncomfortable with a name that will last a lifetime for both of you. So work together on that and maybe come up with a different name or use it for a middle name.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com.

And here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

To have self-esteem, start with the premise that you are, in principle, worthy of your own happiness. Reject as outrageous any doctrine that says you are born evil. In reality, you are born neutral. You create your own moral character. Further, if you have accepted the altruistic idea that you exist merely to please and serve others, you are doomed from the start, because you have decided that others are worthy of achieving their own values, but you are not. Selfless people cannot have self-esteem because they have no self to esteem.

You can download chapter one for free by going to drkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.