The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Linda, you're trying to decide if a career will make you happy.

Hi.

Yes, I am. I'm trying to figure out more who I am and how do I discover what my heart is in society? How can I help others?

Okay, that I would start. Go ahead, you can continue a little bit. Then I'll jump in.

Yeah, I think that's just my main question. It's more of like, how do I, I know it's a trial and error. But how can I go on that stage of starting to do that more? I'm in college right now.

Okay, what are you majoring in?

I'm majoring—I just finally decided—psychology. Yeah, I'm majoring in psychology, but I'm at a community college. I'm getting my associates first.

Okay, and so you're trying to find a career path for you that would make you happy. I'm going to ask you an odd question first. Can you name one or two career paths that you would hate?

Engineering.

Okay, and what's another one? Just for fun.

Math.

Okay, so notice you're already learning about yourself, putting things in, putting your values in words—what you like and what you don't like is part of the process of figuring out what you would like. So then you know, this will help inform you. And also, by contrast—our minds work by contrast—when you find out what you really don't like, then you can ask yourself the question, well, what's on the other end of the scale? What's on the other end that I would really enjoy?

Like, I'll tell you for me, if I had a few more lifetimes, one of them I would love to spend being an actress. Another one, I would love to be a professional ballroom dancer. There are many different career paths that I could go on that could make me happy. There isn't just one path. So you're in what's called the brainstorming stage. Do you know anything about brainstorming?

Yes.

Which is? Do you criticize yourself when you try to brainstorm?

I try not to.

Okay, the whole goal of brainstorming is you just let it loose. You just say, what would I love to do as a career? And whatever comes to mind, you write down on paper. And you don't treat yourself as if you're your parent looking over your shoulder at you, telling you, "No, that's no good. No, you should do that. No, you must do that. No, you ought to do this. No, this one? No, absolutely not." You don't criticize during the brainstorming phase. You just take a page or a piece of paper and jot down what you think you might like. What things have piqued your interest as a kid? Would you like gardening? Would you like anything in the arts? Do you not like the arts? Would you prefer—you mentioned psychology—do you like what aspect of psychology? Psychology covers a huge terrain.

So what comes to mind as I'm saying that? What would you put as maybe one or two things on your brain in the brainstorming stage? On your own, you can write a whole lot, but just for now...

Communication, talking with others and helping others in a sense of maybe like service. I love getting a result, and with that result, helping people with it, whatever it may be.

Okay, when you say service, what do you mean?

I'm not sure whether—yes, like maybe building a house for them or helping them get a home—someone with a home or...

Okay, so like Habitat for Humanity or something like that, is that what you mean?

You mean—okay, so I'm going to, again, do something that's going to sound a little odd, and that's that if your goal is on—and bear with me for a moment—are your parents alive?

Yes, they're out.

Okay. So I just didn't want her to say something that—let's say that your parents can design your life for you. Would you be happy?

No.

Okay.

They would tell you where to live, who to marry, what career to have, how many kids, whether to have kids or not.

Yeah. So notice, what is it that you're hungry for? Whose life is it? Their life or yours? Who owns your life? If you own your life, then the question to ask yourself is...

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.

Where's that ad I saw? Here it is.

The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

If you own your life, then the question to ask yourself is not, "Can I help my path? How can I help my parents or society?" Because society is an amorphous glob. There are some people in society I would never want to help—murderers, rapists, right? And there are some people who I don't really care about. I mean, they're good people, but let them go their own way. And then there are some people in society, such as my own children, that I care immensely for and would love to help them, but don't want to do for them what they can do for themselves. I don't want to rob them of their dignity.

So I might ask the question a little differently. When you started off, you said, "Who am I and how can I help society?" I would ask if you're looking for a career that makes you happy—not your mom and dad or society—you happy, you feel fulfilled. Then you can ask yourself, what do I enjoy doing? What gives me pleasure that I could turn into a career?

Now, I do that in psychology. I love psychology. I love the area that I've chosen. Now there are other areas that I wouldn't enjoy when I worked in patient with people who were schizophrenic, and the most I could get was to teach them how to order a pizza or get out of the building if there was a fire. That didn't give me a lot of satisfaction in life.

So I like the area that I'm in. You matter. Your happiness matters, and when you grasp that point, it makes a job search so much more rewarding and enriching.

Are you hearing me?

Yeah, I'm listening.

Yeah. What did—what are the question marks in your mind?

No question marks. Everything that you're saying, it can make a lot of sense. I think I haven't really been saying truly of what gives me satisfaction or what truly matters to me. I guess my—I look at it differently. I've always—how can I help others, right?

And would you say that I help others?

But my purpose is that I love psychology, so I am not—if I look at the difference, if I were here to help you, oh dear, how can I help you? I don't want anything for myself. I just want to help you. What would you think of me?

You're not passionate.

I'm not passionate. It's like, "No, I just sacrifice."

No, don't—don't do anything for me. I just want to help you. That is what's killing the world.

If you can value yourself without ever stepping on other people, without violating their rights, without manipulating, conniving, and all that stuff. If you happily pursue your goals—whether you like dressmaking or kayaking or whatever your interests are in life or logging, who knows—you are free to choose.

Liberate yourself. I recommend—I was able to—I was in the same position you were. I wanted to save the world, help society, and I was losing myself, but I didn't want to be selfish. And now I realize that valuing yourself is precisely what all of us need, and being self-valuing doesn't mean we need to be mean. It means that we tend to ourselves and have good character, honesty, and integrity.

So let me recommend a few books. You got a paper and pencil?

And they're at my website too.

Yes, I have it.

The thing that freed me—the books that freed me—were The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. They did more than my entire four years at Brown University. In fact, they undid a lot of damage.

Then there's a book Loving Life: The Morality of Self-Interest and the Facts that Support It by Craig Biddle. That's a very easy read. That's fun.

So listen. I thank you so much for your call. If you ever want to connect, contact me again and say, "Hey, this is the career I've chosen." Love to hear from you.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Dr. Kenner, on the rational basis of happiness. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path of Romance by psychologist Dr. Kenner.

How long does it take to thoroughly get to know a person? That depends on the person. Sometimes you gain enough key information to make a reasonably informed negative judgment within minutes. For example, if the person has obvious traits that you despise. But for a person you choose to continue seeing, it can take many months of interaction to learn everything you need