The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter One for free at DrKenner.com

Here's a question I received from a woman who wants to speak to her sister, a sister that's making—who is making—one bad choice after another, but she wants to speak to her sister in a way that won't hurt her sister's feelings. So see what your gut response is to this letter and what you might do in a similar situation.

Hello Dr. Ellen Kenner,
How do I tell my sister Judy, who is 30 years old and has two kids out of wedlock, that she's making bad choices? She and the father of the kids, Mike, are not married. She is now cheating on Mike by dating Tom. How should I talk to her about her choices in a way that she won't feel offended or hurt? Thank you very much, and I appreciate your help.
—Marion

Marion, my gut response was: you cannot hurt your sister any more than she's hurting herself. And if you focus on “Oh my God, I don't want to offend my sister” when she is so blatantly irrational, that's not going to help you in life. You want to train yourself to speak your mind, to focus on facts, to know your limitations. You're not in charge of your sister's life, and you're not there to nag her or belittle her or punish her.

But you also don't want to, by your silence, condone her irrational behavior. You know, when she sees you and says, “Oh, how are you doing?” “Oh, I'm doing fine”—and you know she's not doing fine, and you know that her two kids are struggling, and you know that there's a lot of fighting in the house—you need to speak up.

So how do you do that?

Well, first, you need to know that your sister Judy—she’s 30 years old—she's a grown adult. That she herself, on some level, knows that she is making bad choices.

Now, what is the person who is making bad choices over and over again? You know, choosing to have kids when she's not married. Then choosing to—and she's not doing it because, you know, she—I'm assuming because she just doesn't like the organization. Some people are essentially married, but they don't like to go through the wedding. They don't like to have the legal aspect there. But I'm assuming that she just went and had kids. And then she had one, and then she had another. And now she's cheating and kind of making a mess of her life.

So she knows on some level that she is making bad choices. But my guess is that she does not want your clarity. You want to sit there and spell out exactly what she's doing wrong. You want to show her that, hey, the choices you're making now are really going to bite you in the butt in the future. You know, when Mike finds out that you're cheating on him with Tom, there's going to be a lot of chaos in the house. And it's not going to be good for you or the kids or anybody. And you shouldn't keep doing this.

Your sister knows this. You know, she's not dumb, but she doesn't want—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

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Your sister knows this. You know, she's not dumb, but she doesn't want you to name it. That's how people who evade—push stuff out of awareness and just want to go on the range-of-the-moment—typically act. They just want to have the cake and eat it too. They want to be able to have the affair, have the love affair, you know, get the hugs, and not look at the long-range consequences.

One of the wonderful skills that you want for yourself in life is—with whatever big choice you make—I'm not talking about buying an ice cream cone, but I'm talking about a lifetime choice, like having kids or getting married or going into a career—you want to think longer-range. Not just: “How will this solve my current problem?” but “How will it look two years from now, five years from now, ten years from now?”

So what? Here are some things that you can do if your sister's inviting this increasing chaos in her life. You first need to focus on:

Number one, enjoying your life and valuing the fact that you obviously are making better choices than your sister. Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to name that, get so upset that she's making bad choices.

Number two, you can talk with your sister. You can say to her something on the order of:
“Judy, I remember when I used to look up to you because you were so thoughtful about…” (and then fill in the blank)
“I want you back. I want my sister back. And when I see you making choices without much thought, I wonder what I could say that would help you value yourself more. I don't think it's too late for you to change and make better choices. And I also know it's in your hands.”

You can't force your sister's mind. It's not your responsibility. But you can pass that message along to her.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com—and please listen to this:

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Suppose you're on a first date with an attractive woman but know very little about her. You discover that she's a single mom who raised two children on her own, sending them to good schools because she wanted them to develop basic skills and the ability to think. When the time was right, she started a small business on her own. She read and took online courses to help ensure that her business would succeed. You discover that she was always honest with customers. She seems totally genuine and not trying to impress you.

With each new discovery, you're aware of very positive emotions. You're experiencing the beginning of love. Certainly, there are brain chemicals at work here, but they—and the love—were the result of the information you gained and appraised, not chemicals.

You can download Chapter One for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com