The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com Dr. Kenner,

Some women would look at me and want to smack me for being unhappy with the way I look, but I am, and their envy wouldn’t change that. I was always a petite girl until the end of high school, and my chest has become a very defining feature on me. While I was still thin, the size of my breasts did not bother me, but as I gained weight and became more “voluptuous,” I can’t get around them. When I looked at myself in the mirror last year, I felt fat and ugly and overpowered by the size of my chest. I was short, chubby, weighed 140 pounds, and had 36D+ breasts. I have a naturally short torso, so the size of my breasts must literally take up 40% of my front side. It’s hard to imagine how anyone could see me for myself and not just know me as the blonde with the huge chest.

I joined a gym and exercised religiously, focusing a lot of effort on my pec muscles—pectorals—trying to separate or flatten my breasts. When I lean over doing weight training, my cleavage is so obvious I feel like putting my hands over it to cover it up. I’m so ashamed of it, but I can’t wear a t-shirt over my tops because they’re restrictive and cause my body to overheat while lifting weights. I already wear two sports bras to restrain my jiggle factor. The girls that do have large breasts, that I see, have fake breasts, so they’re buoyant and don’t make ugly, squished cleavage, and their breasts sit much higher than mine. I have friends who say they love large breasts like mine, but I tell them they can have them. My breasts don’t cause me back pain, and I don’t get rashes, so insurance won’t cover a reduction. My male and female friends say they’re beautiful. I don’t see it. They’re just bulbous things that overpower the rest of me.

Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror and flatten them against me to see what I’d look like with smaller breasts. It makes me look more normal and physically balanced, and I feel happier. I think clothing would fit better, and I’d be overall more content with smaller breasts, but I don’t have the money to reduce them. Can you give me advice on how to try to live with my body shape? I don’t like to wear baggy clothes because I have other nice features, and I haven’t tried a reducing bra yet. As I lose weight at the gym, I’d like to think that maybe my chest will get smaller too, but it doesn’t seem to be doing that at all. Please help.

Carolyn.

Carolyn, the first thing that comes to mind is that you used to be really petite at the end of high school. I would say that losing weight makes very good sense. You’ll likely move down a few bra sizes when you shed, say, 20, 25, 30, however many pounds are appropriate for your height, and that may be enough to make you feel attractive. It’ll take a little longer than a breast reduction, but it’s well worth it. You can try whatever reducing bras—I haven’t heard that term—and also wear clothes that create optical illusions. They reduce the size of your chest and focus attention elsewhere on your body.

Also, I’ve had clients—

I gotta interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Also, I’ve had clients that have hated their looks—the breasts are too small, or they’re too big—and then they find a partner, a boyfriend, who loves their breasts the way they are, and they’re just head over heels about it. The woman then decides she can live with them. She starts to see them in a different light. That’s called cognitive reframing. You see the same thing, but you see it from a positive light. And that may happen. You don’t want to beat up on yourself. You use a lot of negative adjectives—squished, bulbous—instead of something like a Rubenesque or sensual look. You know, the other women you call buoyant in yourself. And it may be true—yours are more downward pointing—so you can try that.

The other piece of advice I want to give you is, why not a breast reduction? Definitely lose the weight, because you’ll like your shape better if you feel petite again. But why not a breast reduction? If you can’t afford it, that’s great motivation to earn a little more money. You can put aside money. If you’re close enough with family, you can ask them for your birthday, or for holidays, please give money toward this. Set it aside, save money. It’s amazing—my husband bought a motorcycle by saving the money from his meal plan at college. He never told his parents; he canceled the meal plan and used the money to buy a motorcycle. So if you’re motivated enough, you can be creative. You can get a second part-time job or something and just really earn the money to give yourself the gift of a body that you love. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s good. But you want to make sure you shop for a very good plastic surgeon.

And

here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I don’t actually date a whole lot lately.

Why not?

Well, when I’m with a boy I like, it’s hard for me to say anything cool or witty or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.

It’s not that bad.

No, it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk.

That’s cute—that’s from Buffy. Boys are more interested in a girl who can talk. Notice she can talk—if I were talking to her, she’d—well, let’s just say Buffy’s friend can talk very well. Because who’s she talking to freely? Buffy. So she wants to figure out, why does she get so tongue-tied around men? Does she not feel ready to date? Does she feel that she’s unworthy, or that they’ll find some deep, dark hidden secret that may not even exist? She needs to build more self-confidence. They want to know she has a mind—that’s why they want to know she talks. And it would be the same for dating a guy. If you date a guy and he says “uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh,” and never says anything, then it seems like he has no mind. He’s just like one of those old dogs in the back of the car, where the fake ones, when you move, the head would pop up and down, but there’s no mind there. You fall in love with the mind of another person—and the body too—but you definitely want to know the character of the person. So she needs, obviously, to gain more self-confidence.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

It’s claimed that sex and money are the two most frequent sources of marital conflict. Learn about your partner’s attitude toward money issues before making a long-term commitment. Certainly, there’s no future in marrying a gold digger—someone who wants only your money. It’s also a mistake to marry a wild spender who thinks only about today and not about tomorrow when the bills come due. Barring these types, money conflicts are normal and do occur among decent, responsible people, and strong differences of opinion can arise about spending priorities, even when there is agreement on the amount to be spent.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.