The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Right now, I'm going to turn to a letter. I got a question from Sari, and Sari is from—let's see, she's from Indonesia. Now it's a longer letter; it's an email—but listen to her thought processes as I read it. Listen to how the way she's overloading her mind and how she'll never be able to problem-solve by doing this to herself, and see what direction you would take her in.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I'm sitting here by myself in a large computer room at school, and I need to study for my exams tomorrow, but I'm doing nothing. Yeah, I'm sick of my life. Actually, no, I'm not. Yeah, that's me. I'm very weird. I've been studying abroad for about eight years now. Actually, I am sick of being alone. When I meet new people, I always try to be cool and harsh. Actually, I'm anxious and scared. I started to study abroad at the age of 12. My mom sent me to Malaysia to study. Yeah, it was close to my country, Indonesia, and I could go back whenever I want, but I felt deeply scared. My mother sent me away when there was unrest in Indonesia. I then went to study in Beijing, and then to Canada. I am not a great student because I'm careless and lazy. I am in the university in Canada now, and failing some courses. I'm too afraid to ask the professors for help. I know I'm not prepared for the outside world. Now, I underline that as significant. I think that's what's driving this. My older sister graduated last year from England with a degree in pharmacology after her 10 years of study abroad, and now she works in the noodle factory with Dad. She knows my dad paid for all of her living, and now it's time for her to pay him back by helping him out. She and my dad are always fighting in the factory, and Mom always fights with Dad. Mom is so terribly unhappy, but she'll never divorce my dad, even though he calls her evil. Dad has a temper. He's depressed, and he explodes. He was even thrown in jail for a short time after cheating in his business. Mom, Dad, and my sister are so unhappy. I want to have a relationship with somebody, a man, but I'm afraid any man I would meet would want to divorce me because I'm always changing my behavior. I want to date an Indonesian man and live in Indonesia, but Mom wants me to marry a foreigner and stay in Canada. My first love in high school hurt me, and now I find it hard to trust anybody. My confidence is low. I want to change my thinking about my life. I want to wake up, work hard, and not be lazy and have my confidence. I want to work and have money to be on my own, travel, and see the world. I want to make my family proud of me. I want to major in psychology. I want to be like a baby because the baby has very simple thinking. I want someone who tries to reach the skies, whatever will happen.

Please help me.

Sari,

Sari, you are facing major life decisions, and some of those decisions were made for you before, when you were very, very young, at the age of 12. And now I'm assuming that Mom hates her life. She's married to a man who calls her evil. She's stuck in Indonesia, a country of unrest. And I'm assuming that out of benevolence, she wanted you to have a better life, and she wanted to vicariously live through you, to see you happier. Now, you say you're not prepared for the outside world, and you've got mixed messages throughout your whole note that you sent me. You're calling yourself a slew of names: weird, careless, lazy, scared, lacking confidence, and you're wanting simple things, a simple life, as if you were a baby again. Notice that you've been separated from your mother, you were rejected by your first love, and so you might have some very deep-seated fears about being able to make it on your own, but you've got this wonderful positive side that I hear throughout, Sari. You want a better life. You want to do better in school. That's why you're emailing me. You want to gain your confidence and marry a man who's obviously better than Dad. Major in psychology and reach for the skies. But here's the problem: you've got conflicting goals. Your mind is so overloaded that it's hard to give yourself any clear direction.

Think about what happened with your sister. She studied very hard for 10 years, earned a very difficult degree, a degree in pharmacology, only to do what? To come back, behold, into your dad and to live trapped in a noodle factory, a small-town noodle factory with a family who is always fighting. So is that what your education brings you? If that's the end of the road, how can you ever get motivated to study? Now, I think part of you is missing legitimately Indonesia and your family life and a simple life, but I don't see that as a solution to your loneliness. I think part of you wants to travel the world and have an invigorating life, and not to have to dutifully repay your dad for what he's done. So I want to spend a moment on that. I do not think what you owe your father is a happy life, and I think what you owe yourself is a happy life, which means, if it's not working in a noodle factory, don't go there. Major in psychology, travel the world as you want, meet a loving partner. You need to have a very clear path for your own future. Don't call yourself weird and lacking in confidence. You want to build on your self-assertiveness. Make a list of your strengths that you have, your willingness to reach out to me, reach out to a counselor at the university to help you with some skills. School, when you've got your clarity on your goals, Sari, when you integrate them so that they don't clash. You know you don't have the goal of going back to the noodle factory and curling up like a baby and also being a world traveler. Make your goals very clear to yourself by the standard of your happiness, not by what Dad wants. Dad's not a happy person, not by what Mom wants. Mom may want your best, but not until you want your best should you act. And that's the way to make it your own life, your own success, and earn your own confidence that way. So I hope that helps you out. You can always email me back and let me know how things go.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke. Here are some more tips for handling unreasonable resistance. Do not get drawn into playing mind games. A reasonable person living with an abusive partner can sometimes be provoked into acting irrationally and out of character, yelling, swearing, throwing the partner's clothes on the lawn. The abusive partner may turn these irrational actions into a false judgment of the rational person's character. It is important to hold context when evaluating yourself in such circumstances and get away from partners who try to undermine your self-respect. Use the pronoun "I." "I" language: "I feel upset" to describe what you experience, and avoid attacking using "you" language: "You never are on time. You are always late."

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.