The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. What if you were trapped in a foreign country that was a third world country, and the culture is quite different, and you feel like what you would normally be most proud of in a healthy country is being looked down upon is being frowned upon?

And see what you think about this question I received from an 18-year-old guy living in Sudan. I'll read it:

"Hello, Dr. Kenner. I am an 18-year-old male living in Sudan, studying electrical engineering at the university. I am handsome, and that is the problem. Both men and women look at me in strange sexual ways, to the point where I have stopped going out of my home unless it is necessary. I'm embarrassed to tell my family because my school mocks have gone down, also, as has my confidence to communicate with others. Please tell me that that strange sexual looks only happen in Sudan, not abroad. I want to be able to live my life normally. Also, is there a medical mask I can wear to cover my face to hide my looks? I could say it's for medical reasons."

So the letter continues, and I'll continue in a moment. But first, I think that you want to feel comfortable in your own skin, and if you are good looking, you want to enjoy that for yourself, even if the culture around you puts it down.

So you know, when I first read this, I thought, wait a minute, are you imagining this? Because, you know, in strange sexual ways, people are looking at you, and yet you feel put down for it. But then you go on to your name is Mohammed, and Mohammed, you go on to explain this a little better. You said, "Sudan is a third world culture, and there may be facts that are beyond your knowledge. Here in Sudan, you are treated badly if you are good looking. Boys and girls do not mix in the university for religious matters. Most boys here think that being good looking for men is a disadvantage. They think they are superior to me just because of that. They also think that sitting with a hot guy would affect their reputation. Apart from some good friends and some of the smart students who appreciate my marks, I am completely isolated. The others are probably just jealous of me, maybe because of my good marks. I think that's that what is happening to me is a very nasty kind of discrimination. Should I continue living in the Sudan? Should I try to move abroad?"

Mohammed, let's talk about this, because you're addressing multiple issues, and that certainly puts it into context. And I went online and looked at Sudan and Googled it with a few different keywords, and learned about sexual mutilation of women and the patriarchal society and how polygamy is the norm. So I don't know what part of whether the university is a little bit of a healthier microcosm or not, but if you are trapped in that type of a society and you want to excel and you don't want to feel embarrassed about your looks or feel like you have to hide them, if you feel like you're a good student and you're ambitious and you don't want to hide that either, and what you feel you're dealing with is jealousy disguised in, I don't know, whatever cultural camouflage they use, whether it's a religious camouflage or whatever it is to make you feel guilty.

The solution that you're choosing may not be the best, because you're self-sabotaging. To walk around with a medical mask, whatever that might be, to camouflage your face, I think is not fair to you. I mean, if I were having difficulty in a class, I might get some sunglasses that might make me look a little less attractive. I mean, there are times when I myself have gone out and I can look attractive, but there are times when I downplay it for different situations. You know, it's not that I am embarrassed about it, it's just that the context doesn't call for me to be all dialed up when it's just a casual event.

So you can do something that helps you feel a little more comfortable. But basically, the main goal is going to be for you to feel good inside yourself. And you're 18 years old, you're still young, and you've got a wonderful career. I'm hoping that you enjoy electrical engineering; you're studying, you're a good student. So the last thing you want to do is adopt a coping strategy of avoidance, of isolating yourself, of staying in the house and letting your grades drop and letting your confidence that you can handle these issues drop.

You want to rebuild self-confidence, and how I might do that. I mean, it's very hard if you have people putting you down with looks of contempt or snares or whatever the heck they're using, but one of the things that you can do is connect with your friends, connect with the smart students who appreciate you and your marks or who are indifferent to or think favorably of your looks or may look good themselves. Connect with the people that you feel at home with, and let yourself flourish with them, and the others you want to diminish in your mind. Don't give them center stage—these people who are jealous; you don't want to give them, let them control your life.

My favorite author is Ayn Rand, A-Y-N R-A-N-D. She wrote Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead. And she also wrote about hatred of the age of envy—hatred of the good for being the good. And if you're dealing with a culture that hates you because of your virtues, because of your intelligence, because of your looks, or whatever else you bring—your good communication skills with normal people—then you may be attacked because you are good.

So I recommend going to the Ayn Rand lexicon, A-Y-N R-A-N-D L-E-X-I-C-O-N, and just looking up envy and reading the quotes on that, because when people are jealous of you, they rarely come out and say, "I'm jealous of you," because then you can deal with them. They usually say that with a twinkle in their eye if they're envious or jealous, you know, but it means that I admire you.

But the other type of way that envy and jealousy is used is that they don't tell you; they just put you down with subtle put-downs. And to live a life in that culture, if you want to come to the United States, I would say, work hard and come on over.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Always apologize if you have hurt or disappointed your partner. If you listen well, you'll discover sometimes that you have hurt your partner's feelings; this calls for an apology. Some people find it difficult to apologize because their self-esteem may be based on being perfect. Nothing is more guaranteed to make your partner feel unjustly treated and invisible than your refusal to acknowledge that you have hurt them.

Active listening will go far to put your partner at ease. Your partner no longer has to work to make you understand. You have demonstrated that you have grasped what your partner is saying without necessarily agreeing with it. You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.