The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and @amazon.com.

Self-sacrifice, we drool as the ultimate virtue. Can a man sacrifice his integrity, his rights, his freedom, his convictions, the honesty of his feelings, the independence of his thought? Self-sacrifice? But it is precisely the self that cannot and must not be sacrificed. A man's self is his spirit. It is the unsacrificed self that we must respect in man above all. And that's from The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.

Well, with me today to talk about the myth of selfishness, or the myths around it, is journalist Peter Schwartz, who is the founding editor and publisher of the Intellectual Activist and is on the board of directors of the Ayn Rand Institute.

Welcome to the show, Peter.

Thank you, Ellen. Thanks for having me.

Oh, it's wonderful to have you on. I know so many people who are unhappy because they feel guilty doing things for themselves. For example, I hear a woman telling me, "I have done everything for everyone else in my life, for my parents, my in-laws, my sister, my friends, my neighbors, and I have gotten nothing in return." Peter, I run my own business as a psychologist, and I earn money from it, and I could say that, you know, it's true, it's nice to help other people, and I give away some of my money, but I'm able to keep some of it. So isn't it the case that as long as I give away some of my money, that I'm not being selfish, and it's okay to keep some of it?

No, it really doesn't matter whether it's half your money or a quarter of your money or whatever, or a dime. The issue is a black and white one. The issue is, do you accept the idea that you have a moral right to your own happiness, to your own self-interest, or do you believe that you exist for the sake of others, that the moral justification of your life is the service you perform for others? Now, if you accept the latter, that means you have a quote duty to give up that which is important to you because others have a claim on it.

But if I'm going to do this in role play, Peter, what if I say that, you know, I'm supposed to make me happy? My parents have always told me that pleasing them, pleasing my in-laws, pleasing my sisters or my friends or my neighbors, that's what's supposed to make me happy in life. And when I try it, oh, sometimes it does, and most of the time, I just feel like, "What about me? Hey, what about me?"

Well, it can't really make you happy. That's like asking, "Why can't you be happy?" By giving up your happiness for others, happiness comes from pursuing things that you decide are a benefit to you. You're the one who's living your life. You're the one who has to sustain your life by the choices and the values that you pursue. And if you say, "My life isn't important. My life exists for the purpose of serving others. I'm not going to go after my own happiness. I'm going to surrender it for the sake of others," that makes your happiness unachievable.

So a person who gives up their hobbies to do a hobby that the parent wants, or that gives up their dream career to do what Dad wants them to do, that's what we're talking about—that's the sacrifice that you're referring to.

Yes, it's the idea that you owe your life or your efforts to others, that they have a claim, a moral claim, on your efforts, and that if you don't place their needs and their demands above your own, then you're somehow being immoral. That's the premise that makes happiness impossible, because it's the premise that you have no moral right to your happiness.

So knowing that you have a moral right to your life is essential for happiness.

Yes, I think so. What about the situation where someone says, but there are what we people typically call selfish people, people who will take advantage of anyone, cheat, lie, steal, and just run roughshod over them for their own happiness?

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance—that is interesting.

But there are what we people typically call selfish people, people who will take advantage of anyone, cheat, lie, steal, and just run roughshod over them for their own happiness.

Well, this is really the big reason I think that people regard selfishness so negatively. It's because they have a very false idea of it. They regard the person you're describing—someone who tramples over others or a gangster who just mindlessly goes around using force to attain his goals. That's the archetype of selfishness in many people's minds. And that's a very tragic error.

Selfishness means pursuing your own interests. Now you've got to then figure out what, in fact, constitutes your own interest. And I don't believe that a gangster or brute or any irrational person just mindlessly pursuing his whims. I don't think that person is, in fact, being selfish; quite the opposite—that person is acting self-destructively. You can see that very clearly with criminals and these other types. They eventually end up simply destroying their own lives, not being productive and happy.

There are very specific requirements for achieving your happiness. You can't just do it blindly, any more than you can just feed yourself and take in the proper nutrition just blindly without knowing what you're eating. You have to be rational about this and pursue your values by deciding logically what, in fact, achieves your interest, and it can't be done purely by emotion.

Okay, so when we say pursuing your values or pursuing the goodies in life, that also includes your own good estimate of yourself, that you're an honest person with integrity, that you're self-reliant, productive, and that you're ambitious—that you go after goals that are your chosen goals—that's a central point for your own happiness.

All rational values, including honesty and productivity and integrity, are essential for your self-interest.

Okay, so we'll conclude by saying it's wonderful to be self-valuing, to have self-interest, or if you want to say it, to be selfish—not to apologize for being selfish. Would that be accurate?

Yes, absolutely.

Thank you so much for joining us. This is Mr. Peter Schwartz from the Ayn Rand Institute. Thank you. And if you're interested in finding out more, this is the Ayn Rand bookstore.com, and there's a book, Loving Life, and it's about the morality of self-interest and the facts that support it. And that's by Craig Biddle, C, R, A, I G, B, I D, D, L, E. And again, you can get that at the Ayn Rand bookstore.com. It's an easy read. It's a shorter book.

And notice what Peter said. Peter was talking about how self-valuing is tremendous. In fact, the purpose of your own life is to achieve your own happiness by thinking long-range, not by acting on whim, but by thinking about what career you would want, what type of friends you want to hang around with, what type of hobbies you would enjoy, and who would be a good match for you in terms of a long-term soulmate, a romantic partner. And that takes a lot of thinking. You can't go by the seat of your pants. You can't just be on the surface either. You can't say, "Well, this person looks like he's good on paper." You have to feel it too.

So you have to be able to know how to introspect, how to understand your emotions, so that they don't lead you astray, but not to ignore them either. And that takes a wonderful, wonderful skill of introspection, which is what we talk about on this show a lot—how to read your own mind.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this Ned.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Kenner and Locke:

When your loved one is your highest, most selfish, most important social value, you will want to treat him or her accordingly, and your loved one will want to treat you similarly. This means regularly asking yourself, "What can I do to make this relationship thrive?" The actions you take will sustain and enhance your emotions, your love, and your passion. Your love will grow and flourish.

In financial matters, partners should encourage one another to balance the short-term and the long-term. Only a small percentage of people engage in long-term financial planning, yet everyone needs to do this, and you should start at least 30 years before retirement. Today, more than ever, couples need to take charge of their own retirement planning.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book @amazon.com.