The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here's an email I received from Eric:

Hello, Dr. Kenner. I am feeling lost. I have a new job in Europe and have been there for over a year. I met Arlette four months ago, and we fell in love. We just broke up, and I think it's due to cultural differences. She has two master's degrees and a high-powered, interesting career. I was never a conscientious student, and I barely finished high school. I skipped class all the time, and I really wasn't present, even when I was in class. I tried going to a university and lost interest. My friends were uneducated people, and thus I did not revolve in good circles.

When I met Arlette, I was eager to learn new things, and I could communicate well with her. Now that we've broken up, I regret all my wasted years not growing my knowledge. My relationship with Arlette opened up my eyes and made me face up to a lot of bad choices I made. I don't know how to catch up now. I feel lost. When I was 10 years old, my mom died and my father remarried. Two years later, I was little and did not accept his remarriage. I closed off inside, and I think that messed me up, although after some time, I should have thought about what's important in my life and not let this affect me.

So, I made bad choices. I was smoking weed and clubbing all the time. Coming to Europe has broken the hold of that bad monotony. After losing my girlfriend, Arlette, I feel I'll never get to be as smart as she is and catch up with my lost time. I am trying to learn all of those things, but I feel like a robot who isn't able to retain what he reads. There are so many things I need to catch up on that I don't know where to begin.

Thanks for your support,
Eric.

Eric, I think this is an amazing, amazing and honest revelation on your part. You are doing something wonderful for yourself, and that's that you're willing to face facts—facts about your choice-making in the past, facts about your character. And that can only be good for you because you are motivated now to repair the past and make a life for yourself that you'd enjoy much more.

So, you faced facts about your trauma and your coping strategies that helped mess you up. You know, you rebelled and you just closed off inside after losing your mom at a young age, and Dad finding a new woman in his life. And, you know, you sabotaged yourself at that point. Now that's obviously not a good strategy. So, right now, you have the opportunity to work on a new strategy—to embrace your life and not beat up on yourself.

And I wouldn't even frame it as you have to catch up with everything you lost and all that time lost. Hey, it's behind you. There’s not much you can do about it. But where you're starting now, you can start to embrace your life now. Your eyes are open. You have the courage to be honest with yourself, and you've seen a contrast. You got out of the pattern of your life by going to Europe. You saw a contrast in how Arlette has made her life rich, and you want that. You have that desire coming alive—that desire to have a good life, to improve yourself.

And what does that mean? Well, that means improving your self-esteem. And we have a chapter in the book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke, a whole part, a whole section, on making yourself lovable. So, you could look up our book, The Selfish Path to Romance, which means a self-valuing path to romance, on Amazon.com, and maybe get that book or at SelfishRomance.com too.

So, I've got some tips to give you. First, I would get rid of all those negative images. Write them down on a piece of paper: "I'm a robot," "I can't retain what I read," "I'm unable to learn," "I'm dumb," "I'm a loser"—whatever is floating through your mind—all of those negatives, and be much gentler with yourself in the way you work with yourself. You don't have to keep labels for life, as long as you make an effort to start changing them. And you can replace those labels with "I've discovered that I want to have a better life, and I'm going to learn a little bit at a time."

And I wouldn't spend too much time regretting the past. Hey, it's behind you. You can have a few moments of sadness, but you don't want to waste your time regretting the past, or you're not building your future. The other thing is you can consciously say, "Hey, you know that withdrawal strategy and the clubbing and the smoking weed didn't help me." As a coping strategy throughout my life, closing off my mind and picking uneducated friends didn't help me. And I want an active mind. I want an exploring mind, and you did that by going to Europe and by choosing to date someone smart.

So, you can choose to upgrade your friends—pick people whom you can admire and who are supportive of your growth. Your old friends may try to pull you back into the old patterns of clubbing and using weed. So, it's okay to revise your friendships, to look at them and to get better friends. Maybe some of your older friends will want to improve themselves too. That’s good too, but that's not your issue. That would be theirs.

Next, you need to know about motivation. You want to motivate yourself by what you enjoy. It's not a duty—that whole robot view of "You have to learn this. You have to study history, or you have to educate yourself in math." Think of what your top values are in life that are healthy and rational—not smoking weed and clubbing, but something rational—and pursue them. For that, I would recommend a different book: The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. After I read The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, I wanted a life just like your discovery, and I went back and actually got my PhD. I attribute that to the thinking I did subsequent to reading those two books, The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.

So, in the past, your strategy was to escape from psychological pain and withdraw. Now, you want to embrace life. You don't have to spend your life escaping anymore, and you can really learn to build a much happier life. You can learn thinking skills. You're already doing some good introspection—I love your honesty. Maybe you could even get some cognitive therapy that would help you, if that's available in Europe.

So, I hope that helps with that.

Here's an email from Jill:

Hi, Dr. Kenner, I need to know what I can do to help my younger brother. He's 20 years old and lives with our mom. We can't get him to find a job, take a shower, do any other personal hygiene upkeep, shave, cut his nails, brush his teeth. It's to the point that we don't want to be in the same room with him. I think he's scared to get out and try new things. What can I do to help him break out and start taking care of himself?

Well, the first thing is, if you try to force his mind, it's going to backfire. If you criticize him, shame him, tell him "You should! You should!" or nag him, or plead with him, or cry in front of him, you're going to just make your own life very frustrating. The best thing you can do is love your life. Be a good role model—not to be a role model for him, but just embrace your own life. You don't want to be like him. Obviously, you're not.

The second thing is, you can be supportive of your mom. If she doesn’t want him living there, maybe you can make arrangements, but hey, it’s her choice too, and she’s in charge of her life.

The third thing you could do is maybe suggest therapy to your brother or just actively listen to him, maybe through an email or some way where you don’t have to smell him, but you can only do so much with somebody else's life. You want to really focus on yours and enriching it. It’s very sad when these situations arise, but being a good listener is the best advice I could give. Then, if he's open to that...