The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Sarah, you have a question about dealing with a narcissistic family member?

Yes, I do.

Yeah. Tell me what's going on at the moment.

I have a couple of issues where I'm having to deal with my parent, my mother, who is narcissistic, okay?

And I understand that you have to set boundaries.

Oh, absolutely.

I actually am living with her, okay, so it's a little trickier.

Okay, how is she incapacitated? Or what's the situation? Are you working?

Well, I was laid off, so it's been a struggle, really, because I have to live with her, unfortunately, until I get back on my feet. So that's kind of the situation there.

And what is she doing? If you could take the biggest problem you have with her and give me one example of it, we could work with that.

I guess I would say that she's the kind of person that, I guess, because I'm relying on her, there are certain things that she'll do to me, like become verbally abusive, but I can't do that to her. And it's kind of just like it's not fair, because she gets upset when I respond back to her verbal abuse, and she doesn't understand why I'm responding back. And I try to explain—it's like a scenario with a dog. I think she thinks that I'm a dog that you can kick who's going to keep coming back to you, you know?

Okay, if that makes sense, so you're feeling like she's got the upper hand, in part, because you're relying on her. Is that because you moved back in with her out of necessity, because you were laid off?

Yeah.

Okay, so in part, you're somewhat beholden to her, and she's using that opportunity to say things to you that are totally unjust, in a way that you're experiencing as verbally abusive. What type of things might she say to you?

You know, there's a lot of name-calling, inappropriate name-calling, for example, like promiscuous woman name-calling, a name that you would call a woman who's promiscuous.

A whore?

Yes.

Okay, and I'm assuming that's far from the truth, right?

Right.

So what do you think's going on with her that she would be calling you a whore?

You know that within her culture, I guess her mom, growing up, was verbally abusive, in a sense, would call them names like dog and all kinds of animals, you know, that kind of stuff.

So partly, and you respond by internally feeling very put off. You're triggered, and you want to fight back, correct?

And what if you took a different approach and saw—what if it were a young kid that came up to you and didn't even know what the words meant and called you a whore, like a five-year-old? What would you do?

I would tell them that it's not an appropriate word to use.

Right? But if they called you promiscuous and they didn't even know how to pronounce it, what would you do? I know what I would do if a five-year-old called me a whore or a three-year-old called me a whore; I would laugh because it can't affect me. I'm not taking it seriously. And I'm not recommending that you laugh at your mother, but internally, if the shoe doesn't fit—if I'm not a whore and someone calls me a whore, or if I'm not promiscuous and someone calls me that—it would be, you know, "That's a peculiar thing to say, Mom." You know, it would be like that. "That's an odd thing to say." You know it's not the truth. And, "Mom, what's really behind this? What's up?" You know, you might want to dig a little deeper and find out what she's irritated at. Do you have any idea why she would be put off and want, besides it being her coping strategy, you know, her baggage from when she was growing up, just the culture, as you say, that she grew up in? Are there other issues that both of you have had for many years?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Are there other issues that both of you have had for many years?

You know, it's the little stuff, like leaving dishes in the sink or just not cleaning up. And one of the things that I always try to tell her is that you don't have to curse or yell or, you know, she likes to go on rants. So I tell her, you know, "Please don't rant. I will take care of it when I get home." And so that's kind of where things go left.

Okay, so you're aware that she has certain triggers. And if you leave dishes around and go off and try to get a job or leave the house for whatever reason, she will go off on a rant, and then you come home, and you get the flack from her. So partly, if you know that they're just little things and they're triggers for her, one of the strategies while you're living in her home would be, you know, to just take care of them. Just, you know, I had a niece visit me recently, and she said, "Oh, I can't stand hair on the floor here," and I have long hair, and it's everywhere. But I found myself—I didn't want to trigger her—I was having such a good time with her that I found myself cleaning my brushes and picking up hair after I blew, you know, you blow dry, and it's all over the place. And I found myself doing that not because I was giving in to her, but because it was such a small thing, so easy for me to do. And it's not a bad habit for me to have; my husband's asked me, you know, there's a lot of hair in this sink here. So, you know, one is to accommodate it if there are small things, and the other is—I think you responded beautifully to her, Sarah. I don't think you know you're just saying, "Mom, there are other ways to tell me, and I can take care. I will take care of it when I get home." I think that's lovely. And with that tone of voice, you don't let it penetrate deep. Now that's easier said than done, so partly, you need some empathy for yourself that, you know, "This is not fair. I don't like the way my mother is," but you're also not going to change your mother, and you change her better by just being true to yourself, without taking her rants and her criticism and her verbal abuse seriously, you know, reframe it as if a little kid were saying it to you. But don't laugh at her, because that will, you know, egg her on. It's just like, "Mom, that's a funny thing. That's an odd thing to say. It sounds like you're upset. I know you're upset with the dishes, and I'll get them done. End of story." You just try to cap it off rather than to fire back. Okay, it's much easier on yourself. It's much more self-respecting, and you don't buy into it. You're your own best friend in that case, Sarah.

Thank you.

Oh, you're very welcome, and thank you for the call. And I'm sure there are other boundaries, but it sounds like you already have some good skills, so I want you to recognize your own good skills, too.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

"Walk away from you if I want to. It's my house."

"Yes. Don't I know it."

"You have no respect for my stuff."

"Yes. But if you had labeled the cassette 'rodeo bloopers,' I wouldn't have taped over it. I would have thrown it away."

"I haven't finished talking to you."

"Yeah, I finished listening. As usual, running away from the problem."

"The problem, the yammering."

Have you ever had a problem like that with somebody? That's from Frasier—you might recognize it. That's Frasier and Martin, his dad. Do you think that either of them can hear one another? Have you had a problem where you've heard the words with someone that you love, or maybe someone you work with, where you're saying, "You don't respect my stuff. I'm going to walk away. It's my house." You might be saying that to your kids, "It's my house. You'll do as I say." And they say, "That's the problem. You always walk away. Don't walk away." How do you cope with problems? People have very different coping strategies. When they feel really angry and in that heat of emotion, some people do walk away, some people fight back, and some people just turn inward and become sullen and depressed. How do you get yourself out of a bind like that? And sometimes it's really, really good—many times it's really good—to walk away from a situation like that. But you don't do it in the following manner: "I'm getting the heck out of here." You don't do it that way, because nothing gets resolved if you say something like, "I need some time to process this. I'm really upset, and I can't think straight. I'm angry. I'm going to take a half hour, or I'm going to come back tomorrow morning, and let's talk about this." It's like you give the person a promissory note; you let them know that you're angry and that the emotion is so heated that you need to walk away a little bit. And then you can come back and regroup. "Would that be okay if I come back tomorrow and we try again? It gives us the night to think about this," and you get the other person's buy-in, too.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author, Dr. Edwin Locke:

"Understanding where emotions come from will make you a better romantic partner. Sadness is due to the perceived loss of a value. Depression is a more extreme form of sadness, which may involve painful loss or the conviction that one is no good, that life is no good, and that things will never get better. Anxiety stems from your appraisal that there's a threat to your values, often involving uncertainty. Frequently, this threat is of a psychological nature, such as a perceived threat to your self-esteem. Fear is your response to the perception of imminent danger, usually a physical threat or your perception of the imminent loss of an important value."

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.