The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com.

Ruben, you've been depressed, yes?

Yeah, tell me what's going on.

Oh, I've had depression since like, a month and a half, or like, more than a month and a half, okay? And it's because I don't know why I have it, but first, when I started with depression, I felt I wasn't hungry, I felt sad, and I cried a lot, and I didn't want to go to school. I didn't feel like going to school.

What grade are you in?

I'm in eighth grade.

Okay, and you're 14, yes?

Okay. And so what happened? Have you been going to school for the past month and a half?

Yes, some, some days I've been going to school.

Yes, okay. Tell me what happened a month and a half ago, because it seems like before that time, you were okay, just because...

I've experienced a lot of things in my life, like I've done drugs, and one time I did marijuana, okay? And it was like, now it's like four months ago, four months ago, and I felt like I got paranoid so...

You did not have a good effect on you.

No, no. So what else is going on? When any of us feel depressed, Reuben, it's because we've lost something. Sometimes it's a good relationship that maybe a best friend betrays you. Sometimes at school, it's overwhelming. Sometimes it's problems at home with family or with the sisters or brothers. Sometimes it's just you're upset with yourself, you know? You tried pot and you got paranoid, and you're upset that you did that. And, you know, tell me in your situation, where do you feel a loss? Where do you feel depressed?

Like more of it is because each day and every day, I feel I have thoughts like I'm scared I might die.

Okay. Did someone die that you know?

No, but it's because I've seen really violent stuff, and I've been scared real bad.

Okay, where have you seen the violent stuff?

On the internet. And I've seen like people fight, and I'm not really like, I have a, what's it called? I'm not cold-hearted.

So you're warm-hearted. What are you watching on the internet where you're seeing people fighting?

Oh, I watch them, cartels of Mexico, okay? And they, when they kill people.

So if I watch that on and off, what do you think I might feel? Is the world safe or is the world scary?

Scary, scary. So if you watch a lot of scary things, you might end up feeling like you're living in a scary world. Are there people fighting around you in your neighborhood, or is it just on the internet?

I see people like in my face, they fight. Then when I see somebody fight, I feel like that, and I get sick.

Okay, and I might feel the same way because it's sad to see them fighting. Are there people that, you know, I mean, is this people? I don't know whether these are friends of yours, or whether it's parents or adults or just people in the neighborhood who are doing drugs. You know what? Who is it that's fighting in your life?

Um, different people, friends and big people. I hang around with big people too, so...

It makes it a scary world for you. When did you feel the safest in your life?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com.

Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting. When did you feel the safest in your life? Safe, safe like you live in a safer world?

Oh, when I'm with my family, when I'm with my brother, my sister. I have six brothers and sisters. I have one sister, so you feel good in your family.

That is incredible. Not many people can say that they feel safe in their family. A lot of people want to run away from their family. So one of the things you want to realize is you, your family, you and your brothers and sisters, doctor, and parent, and whoever you cared. I'm assuming it's your parents. You're living with your parents. You guys have achieved something that many people would love, and that's that you have created a place at home where it feels safe for you.

If you focused on the good things in your life, what else is good in your life? What's good at school? I don't mean what's bad at school. You might, you know, even when I went to school, there were kids fighting occasionally. But what's good in school?

Um, my friends, my...

You got some good friends? Not fighting friends?

No, I have good friends.

Okay, so if you hang around with the better friends, the ones that don't fight, that might feel a little different for you. I actually changed groups when I was in school to kids that weren't necessarily the popular kids, but they were nicer kids and more intelligent. And guess what happened to me? I got better. I liked my life better.

So if you surround yourself with people who are better for you, that will help. What do you like about yourself? If you could tell me two things that you like about yourself, Ruben, what do you like?

Um, about myself? I like I want to change. I want to be someone else. I want to be... I used to do a lot of bad stuff. I used to do a lot of stuff, like bad stuff, okay? And I don't really mean to do those things. I just, I don't know why.

Okay, so I know we're running out of time here, but what you're saying is amazing, which is that you want to make yourself into a better person. You're a teenager, you're able to do that. You're still young. You can grow from your experiences, and you will like yourself better.

So I encourage you, if you can get some counseling at school, or I would encourage you to do that. Listen. I want to thank you so much, and focus on your strengths, focus on the good people in your life, and I love your motivation. Ruben, thank you.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome, and here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. Recently, I've started college, and I'm going into my second semester of school. I haven't made any friends, and I'm having a hard time opening up to people. When I was younger, I was very outgoing, but as I got older, I grew more fearful of my father, and I believe that has something to do with my shyness. I'm wondering, how do I get over this and get back to the happy person I once was?

Well, you have amazing motivation. I love your motivation, Tricia. So the first thing that you want to identify is how to put up boundaries with people who are like your father. You need to know that he's not the only person in the world and that not all people will break your trust as he did. Obviously, I'm assuming that he was abusive or mean or violated your trust in some sense.

So you need to look carefully at what you say to yourself. If you say, I'll never get hurt by anyone again, it's going to be very hard to make friends. If you say to yourself, my dad hurt me, I'm going to use skills to identify qualities in people that are harmful and keep my barriers between them, boundaries between them, and I am going to allow myself to take some risks and make some friends, and I'm going to get some skills in doing so.

To get some skills in doing so, you can get the cognitive therapy book, actually the loneliness book, it's called by Mary Ellen Copeland, that should be able to help you. And you can also join a club at school, or maybe, if you have a job at school, there are coworkers there, and kind of take a look at the different people and see who you would like to connect with. And you also may be able to get some counseling at school, some cognitive therapy.

So the joy of friendships is wonderful, and the sadness of people, the hurt and harm of people who betray you is awful, and you need to know how to deal with both.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Alan Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world famous for his theories in goal setting.

Do you feel at home psychologically with your partner's personality, or is there constant friction or hurt? Do you feel relaxed, in sync, on the same wavelength, or tense, at odds, alienated? Do you enjoy being around your partner, or do you feel relieved to be alone or prefer the company of others? Do your partner's habitual ways of acting make you happy, secure, and yet excited, or anxious, angry, and depressed? These questions, which can be answered by introspection, will help you identify if you have found your personality soulmate.