The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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Alex, you're having some questions about your daughter.

No, about my friend. But hi, Doctor, how are you? Oh, very good.

So my friend is going through a phase of anorexia, and she's been diagnosed with that. No, she is not diagnosed. Okay? That I wanted to bring up. She openly discussed it with me, and as I know it was only me that she discussed it with.

Oh, that's a burden on you, isn't it? Well, not necessarily, okay? That kind of person. I can get the information and keep it to myself, but I wanted to know if there's any way that I can help her get back to the state that she was in previously.

How long ago?

From what I know, it's been about a little bit over a year, because that's when she quit the sport that she was playing.

What was she playing?

She was playing soccer, okay? And after that change, she gained a little bit of weight, and I guess panicked is what she said, and started up this, and she found this as her way of dealing with the problem of gaining weight, okay?

And why is she reaching out to you? If she feels like it's a solution to the problem, what's making her feel it may not quite be the solution that she thought it was?

Um, I don't necessarily know. I don't think she's finding it as a problem, but she is hurting herself in a way that the others see happening, but no one really says anything about it, so people are too afraid, or they don't know how to speak up or address it like family members or other friends really know how to. And she is a master at avoiding questions like that.

Okay, so it may not be. They may have tried to fish a little bit and she just didn't take the hook. Okay. So what you're wanting to do, what to reach out to her to help raise her awareness that, hey, babe, take this seriously. This isn't something that you're playing with. You're playing with your life. Because anorexia is when you are basically starving yourself. It is not a diet. It is not healthy. It's when you have an unrealistic image of yourself that you're fat and intensely fearful of becoming fat or gaining any weight, and because of that, you become inordinately controlling of yourself. You will not let yourself digest the food. I don't know if she's binging or purging or any of that, or if she's using laxatives or enemas, nothing like that, or nothing like that. So none of this. Okay, so she's just how? How can you give me an idea of how much she weighs and how tall she is?

She is not very, so I say about five, one, and she weighs how much?

Oh, I can't give she's she's not super skinny. I wouldn't say that where, you know, the where, if you say anorexia, and someone pictures a very, you know, a skeleton, a skeleton with a little skin. She's not like that. Okay.

So it's early on. I mean, it's not an advanced case, and she's she hasn't any and I want to also just acknowledge that she hasn't been diagnosed with this. This is you and I talking about it, and she may not have anorexia, but you're seeing some behavioral patterns. So she weighs, she weighs less than 100 would that be the case? Would you guess?

I would I would guess that? Yes. Okay, so she might be just on the borderline, a very low weight. But what is she doing with her eating? Are you seeing her spinning stuff out and throwing it away?

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But what is she doing with her eating? Are you seeing her spitting stuff out and throwing it away? Are you seeing her?

I discussed it with her, and she told me that what she does is she gets breakfast and lunch and does have dinner, okay, but she eats little, very little snacks throughout the day, but she is in a constant mood of hunger. Because as I talked to her, she always says, well, I'm hungry, and, you know, a part of me just says, well, I of course understand that she cannot do that, because when

What? Go ahead, why can't she just eat?

She, she and I, the first time we discussed it, she actually decided that she was going to change, and she tried it for a day and went back to her regular schedule. Yeah, it's hard. She just felt so full, and that fullness made her feel bad.

Okay, so it made her feel fat. Does she have weight issues in her family? People who are overweight?

No, not at all. Okay. Does she have anybody controlling in her life? Mother, father, sibling?

Yeah, I would say that her mom is a little more controlling. So she is a little rebellious against that, but okay, is her mother saying?

Man Jay? Manjay, eat, eat?

No, no. I don't think her family is noticing very much, because she's gone to school most of the day. Okay? Because I don't see.

Is she a friend or a girlfriend?

She's a friend. She's a very dear friend. Okay?

And she's how old?

She is in high school, high school, beginning High School,

No, middle, middle.

Okay. It's wonderful that you're reaching out. One of the pieces that she whenever I hear anorexia, my mind immediately goes to control people. When I've spoken with people who have struggled with anorexia, they've told me, you know, the only thing I could control in my life was food, and it drove the family crazy. It drove everybody crazy. Because why you can't force-feed somebody unless you hospitalize them, right? So you're saying that they're pretty clueless. Her family members, you're certain of that, or you're just guessing?

I'm guessing, and it's from what she says, because she's kept them thinking that she's completely fine.

Okay, well, they may be seeing it. Maybe they're afraid to speak up, or maybe they do speak up, and she's not sharing that, but I don't know how reliable a reporter she is, but meanwhile, what as a friend? Let's get to what you can do is as a friend, Alex, as a friend, you can ask her, what? Well, first, you can let her talk, be a good listener, because a whole story may come out if she gets into tears about why she quit soccer and she misses it, or she hated it and wish she never had taken it and now feels totally lost because she lost her sense of identity. Let her talk. Let her talk about her family. If you're again, I'm saying this as a friend. If it becomes too burdensome, then recommend that she talk with a professional, because it's outside your bounds. And then you can encourage her to get some nutritional facts that if she is taking care of her body and she wants, doesn't want to obviously gain too much weight, if she could just give her, if she could give herself the information by getting some in from get you know, getting some nutritional facts, that would be great. You could. You can only reach out to her. You can let her know that you are worried, and don't let her play games with you, though, guide her to take action, like you're taking her hand and helping her take action rather than try, you know, trying to force her work with her mind as much as you can. And again, if she could get a cognitive therapist, she could go to the Academy of ct.org that might help. I think that would be great.

Listen, we're right at the end of time. I think you're one. I think you're wonderfully caring, and I wish you the best with your friend.

Well, thank you so much, Doctor.

Oh, you're welcome. For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to Drkenner.com and please listen to this Ned.

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path of romance by Doctors Kenner and Locke.

When pursuing a romantic relationship, be wary of a partner's refusal to take a medical condition seriously, such as high blood pressure. Individuals who do not value their own lives enough to take steps to keep healthy, condemn their partners to chronic worry. Who enjoys the prospect of living with someone who is at high risk health-wise yet refuses to take reasonable actions to seek significantly reduce that risk? It's like living with someone committing slow suicide. The same principle holds for partners with mental health problems. This can be a serious problem because often people with mental health problems deny or do not realize how serious their problem is. For example, depression outside help from the family doctor may be needed to convince the person to seek therapy.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com and you can buy the book@amazon.com.