The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com

And right now I want to turn to the phones and speak with Helen. Helen, welcome to the show.

Hey. How are you?

Very good. Tell me what your question is.

Yes, one of my family members did something to me when I was a child, and I never told anyone. I always tried to forget, and I thought I could, but I just realized that I cannot forget anything. It’s just, when I’m getting older and older, everything comes back to me, you know?

Are you talking about abuse, about sexual abuse?

Yes, and I don’t think I’m stable in any relationship.

Yeah, I just realized it’s not healthy.

Okay. Are you dating someone now?

I’m not, but I don’t want to, and I just feel like, if I am seeing someone, I don’t want to be too close to that person.

And because you’ll feel like, what would happen? What makes you feel the most vulnerable, Helen? What do you mean?

Do you think that that person will hurt you again, the way a family member did?

I just — I don’t know if I’m in a relationship. I could be in a relationship but feel nervous, and I don’t know if it’s because I think that person will hurt me again, or whatever reason. But I just feel very, very uncomfortable.

Okay, when it — when you want to be very good to yourself, you’ve gone through tremendous trauma. And what happens in the case of sexual abuse, especially by a close family member, is that if you try to hide the secret, it can get worse over time for yourself. And that’s what you’re saying is happening because you tried to close your mind as a kid. How old were you when you were abused?

I was in fifth grade.

Oh, very young. Fifth grade to what age?

Until 16.

And nobody knew?

No, I didn’t tell anyone.

What methods did the perpetrator, a family member, use to keep you quiet?

I’m sorry?

What method did the family member use to keep you quiet? You know, what prevented you?

It’s just that I — I felt ashamed to talk about it, so I didn’t say anything until after, when I was 19. One day, I had an argument. I told my mom about it, but she didn’t do anything. She said, “What can I do?” and she just didn’t do anything.

Do you think your mom knew all along?

I don’t know. I thought she knew, but I don’t think she knew. But when I told her, she was shocked, but she said, “What can I do?” So she basically didn’t do anything.

So speaking up didn’t help. And you’ve got it all bottled up in you now, and you want to get on with your life and have a romantic relationship.

Yes, but I’m still feeling ashamed. I know many, many people who’ve been abused feel like they’re dirty, or there’s something wrong with them, or it’s a secret that, if they ever let out, would ruin any relationship.

Yes.

You can feel the power of your emotion right now. You’re very, very sad. Here’s what I recommend doing. Do you have any access to getting some help for yourself, some professional help, some therapy, somebody private to talk to?

I think I can. I didn’t do it because I thought I could, you know, heal myself, you know, by myself, by forgetting about all this stuff. But I think I need to do something, to like, you know, find some professional help.

I would. I would definitely give that to yourself. There’s a lot of very good help out there to work with abuse. I’ve worked with people who feel so badly about themselves that they don’t do anything, they don’t pursue any goals, and they get stuck in a job that they hate, and they feel like they’re punishing themselves throughout their lives. And I’ve seen them turn around to the point where they’re joyous, and they go on and they have a romantic relationship, they get married, they have kids. That’s what you want. You want to be able to find your own voice again. You want to be able to express sadness, which you’re feeling now, but also the anger you have toward two people in your life who betrayed you — your mother and the perpetrator, the person who did it, right?

Yes.

And I’m assuming that was your dad?

Yeah.

So you had the two people whose role it was to protect you, to bring you up, to help you see great things in the world and great possibilities for yourself. And instead, from fifth grade on, you were saddled with a secret, and you blamed yourself. You’re not to blame. It’s the person who should have known better. He never should have crossed that line. You have many options. My suggestion would be to give yourself the gift of therapy and to do it as soon as possible for yourself. It is so worth it. Find a good therapist. If you don’t know how — do you know how to go about finding a therapist for yourself?

I don’t know.

Okay.

I don’t know who or where to look. Do you have any recommendations?

If you’ve got — you could go to a website, The Academy of Cognitive Therapy — C stands for cognitive, it’s a big word, therapy, T for therapy.org, and see if there’s someone in your state or town. They list people from all over. You can call your state association and ask for someone who deals with abuse problems. You can go to a good hospital in the town where you live and tell them that you’re looking for a therapist who deals with abuse. But I would definitely — it’s very serious, but you can be liberated, as I’ve seen people disentangle themselves. This is the way I picture it. I picture that your childhood was an ugly, ugly puzzle that, right now, is all shattered. You tried to forget it. It’s very painful to put those pieces of the puzzle back together again because what are you going to do once you see the picture clearly? You don’t have a direction. If you do it with a therapist, not only can you put the puzzle together clearly and see that you were not at fault, that your parents were at fault — and many times, people get very angry at the parent that could have saved them and didn’t speak up. Later on, you may consider confronting them, but that’s much later on in therapy. First, you need to have somebody who sees what you’ve gone through, and helps you work through it, helps you see the world a little differently, more optimistically, that everyone isn’t like your father.

Sometimes I just feel like I don’t trust anyone. I was thinking, like, even your parents can do this to you...

And that’s one of the horrendous things that your parents did, that they left you with a feeling that, “Oh my God, if my own parents could do this, how could I even reach out?” So I want to congratulate you because you trusted enough to call me. There are books on the market, but I don’t recommend self-help. You can use the books in therapy. There’s a book called The Courage to Heal that was written years ago, and you may find some other good books. But you want to use all of your energy to work through this so you can be liberated and have the possibility of seeing that some people are bad and some people are terrific in life, and you need to collect examples of good people that you know, so that you can start to repair some damaged ideas. And the view about yourself, too. You’re probably a dynamite person, so I hate to see you suffer. Thank you so much for the call, Helen, and let me know how things work out.

Thank you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

"Emotional intimacy is the most fundamental prerequisite for sexual interest, arousal, and pleasure in a successful long-term relationship. Emotional intimacy is a feeling of psychological closeness to your partner and the result of the quality of the whole relationship. Attraction and desire are greatest when you feel visible to your partner. You selfishly value your partner and are selfishly valued in return. You understand the causes of your love; you work toward making yourself lovable. You choose the right partner, you feel understood and valued, and you communicate well. You also feel that your partner is emotionally and openly expressive in ways that create a positive emotional climate."

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.