The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com and @amazon.com.

Welcome to the show. Hi, hi, you're in a bad relationship. I'm not. My brother is. Oh, your brother is in a bad relationship. Are you in a good relationship? I'm in a wonderful. Oh, wonderful. So by contrast, you can see what he's missing. Yes, exactly. Yeah, we both waited till we were in our late 40s or mid to late 40s before we got married. Wow, real into careers and stuff like that. And he wanted to get married and have children so bad. And did you know? And she has just, they've been married eight and a half years. Yeah, she has, and everybody that Garrison's letter ruined our family. She's horrible to my parents, which are the greatest people ever. Yeah. And she threatens all the time to take the seven-year-old and not let my brother or my parents see him, which there's bonds against that I know. Yeah. And she ruins everything they plan a vacation, she ruins it either before they go or while you know when they.

What's keeping him in the marriage? Is it the seven-year-old? Oh, how tragic, because you know who's getting the brunt of it, the seven-year-old. Yeah, yeah. So tell me what role your your question is, what? How can you help? How can I convince my brother to get out of this relationship? I mean, I am no sense to watch Dr. Phil and listen to you too and stuff. And Dr. Phil said a kid would rather be from a broken home than in one. You bet that just gave me that.

Yeah, you know something I have worked with so many, even adults, but kids we'll start with the younger age where they say, you know, my parents fight all the time, and I wish they would get a divorce. You know, obviously there are going to be others that say, I want them to stay together no matter what. You know, they mix. But kids suffer because they come home after school, if they don't have after-school activities, then they come home to what the chronic tension at home and sometimes parents fight in an angry manner, the shouting, the screaming, the blow-ups, sometimes they fight silently. No, yeah, and is that deadly silent? No, she's not okay. So what did you word she had the 15-year-old from her first marriage, her first husband died of cancer, and the 15-year-old is harmful to the seven-year-old. You know about it? When you say harmful, what do you Well, he she has, you know, like, hit him and stuff before, but her and her girlfriend at 15 have taken new pictures of him. Okay? Oh, no. I mean, it's really you hear all these horror stories every day, and nobody thinks it can happen in your family, but it does.

What if they have, they put them on the web, or is it just they have? Yeah, so the 15-year-old daughter has put her half-brother's pictures on the web. The seven-year-old and her too. But it sounds so what one of the things you can do is call Child Protective Services and just give some of the worst-case incidences that have actually happened. You don't want to exaggerate one iota, and you don't want to under-exaggerate, but will they take the seven-year-old out of the house? Um, that's what you're fearful of, right? Then your brother loses. I've, I'm not that comfortable actually with Child Protective Services, if there's because I have just seen cases where they've done wonders, but many more cases where they have not done wonders, where kids fall through the cracks. So you can, first of all, you can be wonderfully supportive of your brother, to be a listening ear, and to ask him questions, you know, what have you thought of? I don't know. You don't need I'll use a fake name, Paul. What have you thought of, you know, help me understand you better. You're between a rock and a rock and a hard place. Paul, tell me what you've thought of in terms of leaving. Well, I've thought of leaving, you know, maybe packing up my bags one night and moving in with a friend or moving in with you. I don't know what he thinks his alternatives are, so one area of explanation is to look at alternatives and just let him talk about it. Okay, you know, if he asked for any advice, you know, well, what do you think? Let him speak first. Because if he can generate his own ideas, he's more likely to see them as realistic. Okay? And then you can always prime the pump if he doesn't say anything. You know, there's no hope at all. And that you tell him, there's got to be hope people get out of these situations. And I want to back up once, the very first thing I always think of, hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad. And then Alan will be back romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw here? It is the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free. Selfish romance.com and buy it @amazon.com huh? The Selfish path to romance that is interesting.

The very first thing I always think of is safety. I don't know the stability of this woman. What's the stability? But is she an alcoholic? Is she using drugs? Is she violent? Is she, you know what? Give me a picture of her at her worst, your sister, throwing things. She's not violent, as far as but no, I don't know if it could change. I mean, she her mouth, and she doesn't cuss usually, in fact, she's against it. But when she gets in these rages, she says everything that was a you never even heard of before. So then showing things and you know, she's going to get the kids, and she's done this several times, get the kids, pack the kids in the car and leave.

So something morning before, yeah, but something is triggering her. I don't know whether they're he's trying to make love to her. If you have sexist I don't know what's going on behind the scenes. And you know, being the sister, you're not going to probably get involved with that, but something triggers her. And if he could study what triggers her, like, what is it I say or do, if anything that's triggering her, because then he can maybe say, can we go in for counseling together? And instead of saying, you get yourself into counseling, it puts them on an equal playing field, not that they are, but it at least gives them a platform to talk. And if you go to my website, Dr. Kenner.com, d r, k, e n, n, e r.com, there's a link to the cognitive therapy website, and they may be able, they have cognitive therapists worldwide listed there, so you can see if you can, if they can, if he's willing to go in and to see a cognitive therapist. You can also have family therapy. The whole family can go in. And if you get a phenomenal family therapist, the family therapist will ask the kids, you know, how do you get your voice heard in this family? And if you could have a magic wand and change one thing, what would you change? And sometimes the kids terrified to speak up, but a therapist can sense that and make it easier for them to talk and make it harder for the parents to jump in or to give them, you know, sharp looks. You know, I just saw your dad give you a real sharp look. Tell me what that's about, dad. You know, do you catch him in the act? So in this case, I think being a good listening ear for him, encouraging him to get some counseling for maybe the two of them, the couple.

They did that actually, they threw her out because she got so counselor through her the counsels throughout. Well, the Councils may be able to advise him he can stay in therapy, because if he can establish a rapport with the counselors, he may have a stronger legal footing to get the custody he just recently, because he just really went off here recently, and we are right at the end of time. So thank you so very much. And I wish you luck, and just have some good times with your brother that will help him enormously, too. Thank you so much. Okay, Melanie, thank you.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. This last week with Dad, it's been a living hell. When I'm there, I feel like my territory is being violated when I'm not. I'm worried about what he's up to it. Look at me. Look at me. I'm a nervous wreck. You don't still have the brochures from those, those rest homes, do you? But you really think that's necessary? I'm afraid I do. I don't have my life anymore. You don't suppose there's a chance that you and Maris could, Dear God, no.

And you can guess that's from Fraser. And you know, you may be facing that situation in your own life, where you've got parents who are just getting on in age, and they can't handle things on their own, and you just sit there and say, What do I do? Do they move in? If they move in, I'll ruin my relationship with my parents. Whatever good we have will be destroyed when we live under the same roof and or you say, you know, what a wonderful opportunity I've never been close to mom, and maybe this will help us connect better. And what happens when the reality sets in that it really is hard to live in most situations to live under the same roof. Sometimes you have wonderful situations where mom moves in and you've got young kids. Mom helps out with the young kids, and she feels important and valued, and the kids love her, and you love that you have the ability to go back to work or do something, but making those decisions is never easy for more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke. Here is a common mistake that is certain to make resolving a disagreement much more difficult, if not impossible. Do not make the mistake of listening intently, agreeing to correct the problem and then doing nothing about it. This shows a lack of integrity, and you won't get away with it. All your future promises will be viewed as suspect, if not meaningless. You will be seen as someone with poor character. In contrast, if you agree to correct a problem and follow through, you will feel better about yourself, and you will have a much better chance of rescuing your relationship.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the selfish path to romance @amazon.com.