The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com and @Amazon.com

Chrissy, you're having some difficulty with your boyfriend.
Yes, he was diagnosed with ABC, and he recently went off his medication, and I noticed that his symptoms are getting really bad again, and I was just wondering if he had any advice for me to help him.

Okay, so why did he choose to go off his medication?
It's making him have severe weight loss and insomnia, and that's a good reason. And why wouldn't he have gone to the doctor and had an adjustment or tried out a new med?
Because they've mostly suggested stimulants. And he doesn't want to be on a stimulant because he doesn't want to, like, feel high. So he wants to try to get some techniques to be able to cope with it, apart from using medication, right?

Okay, and you've been dating him for how long?
For about three years.

Three years. And are you seriously? Obviously, are you planning to marry him eventually? Or you don't know yet?
I don't know yet. I don't know yet.

Okay, so that's okay. And you see your what? What are the types of things that he does that drives you crazy, that you'd like some help with?
Um, he just has a hard time paying attention to stuff. Like sometimes I'll be talking to him and he won't hear a single word of it. I said he's really terrible with remembering directions. He has the weird problem with remembering to close things, such as what?
Just like the refrigerator door, shower curtain, everything.
What was the second one I heard?
The refrigerator door, shower curtain, covered doors.

Okay. And did he have this problem when he was on the medication?
No. So this is new. He had it when he was younger, I'm assuming before. That's because I put him on the meds for a reason. So he's trying to go without meds. What? How? Tell me what's going on in terms of the couple. What are you saying to him? Is it causing a lot of conflict, or are you trying to pressure him to get back on meds? What's going on at this point?
Well, we've talked about it, and he wants to get back on meds, but he just doesn't want to have to go through the weight loss again and insomnia, and it's just a little stressful on me because I'm constantly having to remind him of things, and it's just difficult to deal with. And I'm trying to be as patient as I can because I know that it's not his fault and he can't help it.

Okay, that's the big question, isn't it? How much of it is within his control, and he just has not developed better habits, and how much of it is outside of his control? And if you or I had the same problem, we couldn't help it either. And there is with ADD, it's one of Attention Deficit Disorder. It means that you lose your focus. You're not giving attention to details. And as you said, you described, you gave some very good examples. You're not paying attention to tasks, or you don't close the refrigerator door, or you don't listen to directions. Well, can't follow them. You lose things. You get easily distracted. He doesn't listen well to you. You know what? What of those? Which ones of those things are within his control with effort? You know, when you observe him, how much effort does he put into trying to retrain his own mind to focus better?

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Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting. When you observe him, how much effort does he put into trying to retrain his own mind to focus better?
I don't know. He says that he tries. He just says, I can't help it. You know, it's not my fault. It's a disability.

Okay, that's a problem, isn't it?
Yeah. If I think that I, my sister once told me that she was born with wonderful genes, that she gets Latin motion, that sexy rumba cha-cha motion, and I was not born with those genes because I was more klutzy. If I hold that view, how much effort that I'm a klutz and that I just am missing the rumba genes or the cha-cha genes? Yes. How much effort will I put into changing it? Right? None. Right. I'll set my expectations extremely low. So if he sees that, he can have an effect on it that again, with effort, I can't learn Latin motion overnight, but I've taken dance for about 15 years now, and I can do a little bit of a cha-cha now in a rumba, and so I've disproved the gene theory.

So every time he tells himself, I can't help it, it's a disability. What is he rehearsing? I'm sorry. Every time he says to himself, or to you or anybody else, you have to understand, I can't help it. It's a disability. It's like, you know, some people are physically disabled. I'm mentally disabled. I can't help it. Every time he says that phrase, those words to himself, what is he rehearsing?
It's not his fault and that he can't learn. Right?

In running away from the blame, don't blame me, don't blame me, he's also running away from opportunities to learn new methods to focus. So instead of saying, I can't help it, he could say to himself, what could I do? And let's just take a few of your examples. What could I do to remind myself to close the refrigerator door? What are some of the things?
Post-its, right?

Yeah, I've suggested that he, I think he just kind of blows it off.
If he blows it off, he's his worst enemy, isn't he? Because you can have what are called memory aids. There are a lot of things we do to remember different things. And so if he rehearsed, instead of saying, I can't help it, if he rehearsed every time when I get in the kitchen, make sure that I close the refrigerator door. If I open it, he could put post-its on it. I need to remind myself to do certain exercises in a doorway for my shoulders, to pull them back, for rumba motion, for good dance posture. And so I have blue post-its in my doorway. So every time I walk through, if I didn't have them there, I wouldn't exercise, but I see them and I let myself stretch in the doorway.

So he can use, there are a lot of skills. If he saw a cognitive therapist, they would train him. They would give him a lot of skills to have better organizational skills, better management, better—here's a great one for you—listening skills. One of the things you can do when you say something to him and he doesn't hear you, honey, do you want steak for dinner? And he's not paying attention to you? You could say, honey, do you—what did I just say? Or help me. Did you hear what I just said? You can say it kindly, rather than did you hear what I just said? You know, something like that. You can just say, you know, did you hear what I said? And you're helping him look for opportunities to learn the skills.

The bigger question is, do you want to live with somebody who has this problem? And just because you've dated for three years doesn't mean that he's a good match for you because it's going to affect the quality of every day of your life if you decide to marry him. And if you have kids together, unless he learns better skills, it'll affect your future together. So listen, I want to thank you so much for your call, Chrissy.
Oh, thank you so much.

Okay, good luck with that. For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.
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Here are a few assertiveness tips that may help you express yourself more effectively.

Be as clear as possible when expressing your viewpoint. Give a specific example, which helps your partner much more than using global language, such as you always or you never. Mentally paint a picture of what you experience, such as, I was waiting at the restaurant for an hour when you didn't show up. I felt abandoned, angry, and embarrassed. Your partner can easily visualize this, and you are communicating your message much more skillfully.

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You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book @Amazon.com.