The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

We have an after-hours call, and I'm going to help you out with this one, because this woman is on overload, and you may be too. You know, too many frustrating aspects of her life, and many of them are self-made, which makes it even harder to change. For example, she's had a first marriage that failed. She has a seven-year-old son from that marriage. Her husband has remarried. Her ex is remarried, and the stepmother is playing evil games. The second thing is that she remarried and has a two-year-old son, but she's only been married a year, and she fights with her mother-in-law now. Already, if your mind is feeling like, “Oh my God, this is too much to hold,” that's how she's feeling. We've all been there at different times in our lives where we have these struggles.

How do you manage this? Plus, she is not communicating with her husband. They are fighting, and she's been taking medication. She's been given a whole bunch of diagnoses, and she wants to run away. Well, that's not a good coping strategy for overload. So see what you think and see what advice you might tell her.

My question is how to fix my marriage. I had failed at my first marriage. Now I'm remarried, a year; we have a two-year-old son together. I have a seven-year-old from a previous marriage. The stepfather is not getting along very well. It's an argument all the time. The mother-in-law is just not a good person. She plays these evil games, and she's broken up the home of his brothers. They warned me. I didn't know what to believe. I didn't know what to think. As long as I stay close to her and she's involved in our lives and everything's goody-goody, but the minute I become tired of it, he—you know, it's like they've got this plan.

I just have all these fears and all this anxiety, and you know, I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and even mild bipolar traits. There's just so much going on, so many suspicions, and there's secret phone calls and this and that—just all these things. Nobody really provides me any solutions. You just talk; they medicate. And that's it, no solution. I feel like I'm at my wits' end, ready to run away, not sure what to do at this point. I know that I want to fix things, and I know that I love my husband, but he just can't see what his mother is really about. And I'm just tired of being sick at best and the doormat. We don't communicate very well. When we try to, it ends up escalating to an argument or a fight. So I just need some help.

Okay, obviously you're on overload, and I would say that being the doormat is going to be part of the big picture here, a big piece of it. So whenever you're on overload like that, and given that you don't want to be a doormat for life, meaning you need to speak your own mind—not aggressively, but assertively. When you're on overload, you need to take your issues and write them down on paper. So I wrote your issues down. I have your first marriage failed.

You could either try to introspect and figure out what was the pattern, what was your role in it. Forget about your ex's role. What was your role in it? You're moving forward. You don't want to make the same mistakes again. You've got a seven-year-old. Does he feel cared for and valued? Does he feel still a part of your life, like you're mommy to him? If the stepmother is playing evil games, then don't bother with her. You want to have methods to say she doesn't count. I'm going to spend time with my son and give him quality time. Think of something you like doing with him. Don't get your mind wrapped around something she did or didn't say, because it's just going to drain your energy.

Next, you've got a two-year-old son. That son also needs your attention, and you want to give that son that attention, because you'll feel better about yourself. You're remarried. You said you've been—your husband. You now have a mother-in-law problem. You need to write down what the essence of that problem is. Is she too meddlesome? Is she making decisions for your two-year-old son? Is she upset that you're—that her son married someone who had baggage from the past? You know, what is her issue? Could you sit down and talk with her instead of trying? Is she totally irrational? Maybe she is an alcoholic, and she broke into this other brother's home. I don't know. When people say they broke into a home, sometimes someone just opens up the home to feed the dog. I mean, it's not a big deal. And you know, you say, “Oh my God, they broke into the home.” That's different from someone breaking into the home and going through your private diaries.

So I would focus on—hey, I've got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance? That is interesting.

So I would focus on communicating with your husband fundamentally and learning skills. If you could get into therapy, I know that you've been to a psychiatrist or a doctor who can prescribe medication and diagnose, but you need cognitive therapy. I would go to the website Academy of CT, no spaces between that, .org, CT for cognitive therapy. AcademyofCT.org, and try to find a therapist in your area. They list therapists that are nationwide and worldwide. And so I would try to get that help for yourself, because you need to change your method of thinking.

Running away will not help anything. You know that being a doormat totally destroys any individual who doesn't speak up for themselves, but most people are sloppy in the way they think they speak up for themselves. They get angry; they're not skilled. They yell, scream, or pout or play games, and you don't want to do that.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. I was reading an article in the paper the other day, and this was about a Kentucky couple who hit the jackpot, and everybody wants to win this jackpot: $34 million. They won $34 million in the year 2000. They are both now dead. Now, how did that happen? Well, you put money in the hands of people who are irrational, who lived in a ramshackle apartment, didn't have any ambition, and they don't have any central purpose. Instead of using this money as startup money to start a dream company that would bring them self-esteem, they used it not on producer spending, but on consumer spending. They bought mansions, they bought horses, they bought Mercedes Benzes and vintage cars, and they bought all the drugs that you could possibly want to make you happy.

Little subtext: it didn't make them happy. It killed both of them. The husband died of alcoholism. The wife might have had this drug den in her mansion; that's what they suspect. She was found decomposed in her bed. That means dead the day before Thanksgiving, 51 years old. That's how old she was, and he was close to that age too. So gambling doesn't pay off. You want to lead your life rationally.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

The view that sexual pleasure is only physical, unrelated to your mind, your values, or your character, is very wrong. If sexual pleasure were nothing more than a physical sensation, you wouldn't need a partner. You would be happy with self-pleasuring, but this is not the case. To fully enjoy romantic sex, you need a partner, someone you deeply value. Masturbation or sex with someone who leaves you emotionally cold, such as a prostitute or a one-night stand, may provide physical relief, but such sexual experiences are impersonal and empty and brief compared to sex with someone you love.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.