The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.
Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

We can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create, and who we include. And that's from the movie Choke a Lot.

Think about in your life, do you deny yourself? One of the things many people deny themselves is taking care of their body, getting massages. They just beat up on their muscles during the day, sit in lousy positions, tense them in different ways because they're feeling stressed out, maybe clench their jaw, and they never think of giving themselves the pleasure of a massage. Or, even more than that, having a massage with a loved one, that relational connection.

With me to discuss massages and health and the wonderful health benefits of them is Gretchen Blaker Mason. She is with the Center for Sexual Health at Psychological Centers in Rhode Island. She's a licensed mental health counselor specializing in sexual and relational health, and she has been a licensed massage therapist for 15 years. Some students at the University of Rhode Island are very lucky because they also can take a course with Gretchen. She teaches human sexuality.

Welcome to the show, Gretchen.

Thank you, Ellen. My pleasure.

People deny themselves massages. Why do you think that's the case?

Well, there could be several reasons—maybe some belief that they don't deserve that kind of pleasure. Maybe they're really caretakers for other people, but don't feel like they deserve to take that time or spend the money to do that for themselves. And, you know, massage is pretty expensive—spending $100 for that kind of self-care.

So if you could learn, if you have a partner—a husband or a wife, boyfriend, girlfriend—how can people learn to give one another massages and go out to dinner with that $100 or buy themselves something they need at home with that? How can they strengthen that bond? What are the health benefits of doing so?

Well, having some kind of education—and it's not you don't need to go spend a year going to massage school to really learn how to connect with yourself and connect with your partner. There are some self-awareness and attunement skills. So when I'm working with couples in psychotherapy and teaching couples about how to connect with one another, we talk about the quality of contact and the energy and information that they're sharing.

Sometimes I use the metaphor about a musician playing their instrument. You know, so they really, really get to know their instrument, and they create beautiful music through that instrument. Couples can learn to get to know each other's bodies to produce really pleasurable feelings and experiences, like a musician learns to play that music. Some of the things that are helpful are learning how to be present and to really bring all one's attention and awareness to hands, especially if it's a hands-on massage.

It is very different than the kind of distracted, kind of touching that people routinely do. "Rub my neck. Okay? Is that okay? I'm done. My body. I gotta go do some other stuff." So instead of that, just throw away. "I'll do it dutifully." It's more: give yourself, find a spot of time that would be first when neither of you have a lot on your minds or when you're willing to take a break—a 10-minute break—or if you want to pay a lot of money to one another, a full hour. Just enjoy whether it's a neck massage, a facial massage, or a full body massage.

What health benefits are there to having that time with one another? The psychological health benefits first, then we get into the physical.

Sure. Well, you know, and there's a lot of pleasure in the giving. I think that's something that's important to experience. The body is really a fascinating system. Maybe doing some education about learning about physiology and anatomy, but also the benefits of really being felt in sort of some of the psychological, emotional benefits in a relationship. Really being felt and understood and responded to. So much of communication is non-verbal. If couples can really learn how to tune in and take care of one another and connect with one another that way, there's a huge pay-off in relationship satisfaction.

Okay, well, you've got me sold. I want to spend some time with my hubby today, practicing this, enjoying it. What are some tips?

One thing—and I took a Thai massage, not with my husband. Obviously, he doesn't know how to do it, and I wouldn't know how to do it. The first time I did it, it's like someone doing yoga to you. Then they put me on—tipped me upside down, holding me by my feet—and I ended up with a headache. So I went back to the same person. We agreed that I wouldn't do the upside-down thing.

Years later, I went back to the same person and did the Thai massage again. I've only done it twice. It was so fun. He said, "You and Harris, my husband, you and Harris should learn to do some of this together because you can laugh. You can have so much playfulness with this type of massage." But that goes for any massage. You can feel closer. You can build that intimate bond. You can feel emotionally visible to one another.

In addition to that, there are actual—I heard you speak recently at Psychological Centers, and you gave an amazing list of the health benefits of massage. So if someone is a health nut—and I don't mean to put that down because I'm one of those people—what are some of the physiological or health benefits of having a massage?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

But what are some of the physiological or health benefits of having a massage?

Really? Massage can positively affect almost all the systems of your body. Circulatory system, muscular system, digestive system, respiratory system, your immune system—absolutely! Really, massage helps the body efficiently do what the body already does. The body is a self-healing organism, and massage can help with one of the huge benefits, increasing circulation and blood flow. That’s how you nourish your body. But also, it helps release neurochemicals. It decreases cortisol, it increases serotonin, and it can release endorphins. So it can really create that kind of euphoric, feel-good state. When couples learn how to do that for each other, I mean, that's a win-win, you know, just promoting those good feelings, right?

So the psychological and the physiological—how often would you recommend a person get a massage or do it with one another, assuming you don't have hundreds of dollars?

Sure. Well, that's something, you know, making time to do that and prioritizing that. I think even if it's once a month that a couple does that. But if you don't have an hour or so, find those moments—even if it is five minutes—or even if it is holding each other. Skin contact releases oxytocin, which is that bonding hormone, so hugs and holding one another, or having some skin-on-skin contact.

Yeah, go ahead.

What I think is amazing is that you said once a month, and that was very realistic. It didn't feel like you were saying you have to do this daily because then it felt like a duty. Once a month seems reasonable; if you grow it from there, fine.

So listen, I want to thank you so much for joining us today. With me is Gretchen Blaker Mason, and she's a massage therapist, and she's a licensed mental health counselor specializing in sexual and relational health. Do you have a website?

Yes, I do. It's healthassamtherapy.com. H, A, L, S, O, S, A, M therapy.com. Health Assam is Swedish for healthy living.

You make me want to go out and massage my husband and receive. Thank you so much, Gretchen.

Thank you, Ellen.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke: The best proof of whether a person loves you is how that person acts toward you on a daily basis. Suppose your partner spends so much time at work you virtually never see him or her. Then it would be appropriate to ask, "Honey, if I'm so unimportant relative to work, why did you want to marry me?"

As to time spent on one's career, there are no rules about how many hours one should or shouldn't work. This can change from day to day, week to week, month to month, or job to job. Every couple has their own personal needs in a unique context regarding the amount of time spent together. For example, if a partner has been called up for active duty in the military, then obviously the context is important, and long periods of time without one another may be unavoidable.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.