The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and @amazon.com

Elaine, you're having difficulty looking for a new career.

Actually, I had a career, and I went through a period of depression and relapsed, and I'm trying to get my career back. After going into therapy, group therapy, and being clean for a year, I just don't know how to get started. I'm feeling unsure.

Okay. How old are you?

Over 50.

Over 50. Okay. Are you so much over 50 that that's a factor in getting a new career? I'm sorry, are you so much over 50? Are you 80 or something, where it's a factor in getting a new career?

I don't think so. I'm 54. I'm about to be 54.

Okay, so you're 54, so you're still young in my book. Can you move on in life? When you say you're clean, was it drugs or alcohol or what?

Well, I tested positive for drugs. I started drinking because I was very depressed and unhappy in my last job. But I've re-sort of trained myself. I'm back in school full time.

What are you taking?

Still feeling hesitant about applying for a job because of the termination.

Oh, they terminated you because of the drugs and the drink? Because of the positive test?

No, I was in the EAP.

Yes, okay, you were in the—what is EAP?

Employee Assistance Program.

Yeah, they terminated you because you were not functioning on the job. You were depressed, positive because you tested positive. But is it also true if a person who doesn't like a job typically doesn't work at top capacity? Is that true?

Well, according to my evaluations, I was above satisfactory. It's just that I went through an episode of depression.

Okay, now I'm curious—what did you, what was your job?

I was an administrator. Unfortunately, I was an administrator in a law enforcement agency.

So that was law enforcement in an agency related to that. I was not a law enforcement officer.

Okay, but it was significant. You can't be messing around with drugs and alcohol.

Yes. I was writing policies.

You were writing policies. So you're saying that now that you have this history, it's like a shadow that's following you. So if you go to apply for a new job at the age of 54—you're in school now, that's fine—but to apply for a new job, you'll have lots of explaining to do. So what type of a job are you looking for?

Well, something that I would imagine would be—well, I'll tell you what my skills are. I'm a great writer. I'm very personable. This job that I had was totally outside of my interest, but in government, they sometimes transfer you without your having anything to say about it. And I was transferred to a law enforcement agency, and that's what really sort of pulled the depression, which led to my relapse, I think.

Yeah. So instead of getting out of that job or switching at that point, you decided to self-destruct. But you're totally clean for one year?

Yeah.

Well, kudos to you, because that's excellent. And you're wondering how to explain, how to get on with your life. One of the things I'm going to recommend—even though you've been clean for a year, you were drinking and drugging—I would recommend—hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Elaine will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw—here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

One of the things I'm going to recommend—even though you've been clean for a year, you were drinking and drugging—I would recommend getting the book Sober for Good.

Sober for Good.

Yeah, I like the last two words: “for good,” because you want to be able to maintain it. And what I like is the author, Ann Fletcher—it's at my website, DrKenner.com, d-r-k-e-n-n-e-r.com—so you can go there and find the author and the rest. But what I like about it is the author interviewed 222 people who had become sober for good. You know, had like a decade or more of sobriety—I think it ranged from five years to 13 years. But they had had very serious drinking or drugging problems. And you want to see examples of people getting on with their life, because I think that will give you an “I can do it” spirit. And part of the battle that you're fighting is your own attitude towards moving forward.

You need to be able to take risks. You're going to have doors slammed in your face, but you need to be able to weather those storms and not give up. Meaning, there are some jobs that you might apply for that a person would—you know, someone would say no to you. That's their right to say no. But if you apply for enough different jobs in your area of interest, what else could happen?

I may get hired.

Yeah, someone may say, “Oh my God, you know, I'm sober too. I went through the same process, and you know, I'm not going to hold that against you. Come on in. You are personable. You are a great writer. I love what you've shown me so far—your resume,” or whatever you're showing the person. So I would definitely pursue that.

So you're in group therapy at this point?

Yes. And you know, I want to continue on in some type of individual therapy.

Okay, well, I think you could certainly do that. What I would recommend—because we're right at the end of time here, Elaine—is that you definitely look for some career jobs. Don't make the mistake that you made last time in staying in a job that's bad. The minute you feel the urge to drink or to do drugs again—I'm sure you've learned this—think of looking for a new job even harder, or switching careers, because you definitely want a career that brings you a lot of satisfaction.

Listen, thank you so much for the call, and you can go to my website again—DrKenner.com, I'm there.

Thank you so much.

Oh, you're welcome, Elaine. And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I'm having a very tough time at home. My father doesn't understand me, and Phyllis hates me.

Sounds tough.

All right, that's why I have to lie sometimes. You won't tell on me, will you?

I have to think it over.

He knows not what my father says at all. He's just had bad luck—that he lost his job for talking back. So hard-headed—comes expensive, doesn't it?

Yes. My father thinks nobody's good enough for his daughter.

And that's from Double Indemnity. And are you in a situation—maybe in your own family—where you just feel like you have to lie and you hate it? You feel like you've betrayed yourself, and yet, to tell the truth, the people in your family are so irrational that they will turn the truth against you. They will make it much more difficult for you. So if you want some pleasure in life—and I mean rational pleasures, not the gambling and the drinking and the drugging and the rest—but you have to lie.

And is there such a thing as a moral lie, where you're lying not to hurt anyone else, but to preserve your values?

And the two examples that I learned this on—that there is such a thing as a moral lie—it certainly doesn't give you a blank check to lie—but the two examples are:

Well, what happens if, during Nazi Germany, a Nazi comes to your door and says, “Do you have any Jewish in the house?” The moral thing to do then is not to tell the truth and say, “Yes, I'm hiding some of my best friends here.” You need to be able to say, “No, I hate Jews,” or whatever you need to say to protect your best friends who happen to be Jewish.

So that would be immoral. It would be immoral in that situation to tell the truth because the Nazis would be using your virtue as a weapon against you. They would be using your honesty as a means to destroy your loved ones. And they don't have any right to those people.

The same as if a child molester came to your door and said, “Do you have any children here?” And let's say you have some young children. You don't say, “Oh yes, there are three darling ones down the hall.” Instead, you need to say, “No, I don't like children.” Get the guy out of there. Then call 911 ASAP.

So you don't want someone to use your integrity—your honesty—as a weapon against you. But again, that doesn't give you a moral blank check to lie.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Nat, here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

We've all used to been the target of insults at some point in our lives. We're familiar with the sinking feelings and hurt that accompany such moments—not the warm closeness of soulmates, but the emotional turbulence of facing an adversary. We feel anger, hurt, guilt, frustration, helplessness, or hopelessness. We feel misunderstood, cast as a villain, accused of doing things we did not do and of not doing things that we did do.

In some relationships, this love-destroying cycle goes on for decades until death or divorce puts an end to it. When your partner—your best friend—has turned into an enemy, you both lose. Poor methods of communication are dysfunctional. They don’t work—even when the accusations are true.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy it @amazon.com.