The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com.

Catherine, you're dealing with some co-workers who are lying. Yes, I don't know how else to say that. We deal with bullying in schools and such, and it happens with adults in the workplace too.

Oh yeah, yeah, there are cliques that little kids grow up, don't they? But they don't grow up. They don't mature.

They sure do. And the problem with it is these girls are friends with the boss, okay? And they've been seen out at the local watering hole, if you will. And so we know that they're friends, and they go and make these outrageous allegations that are clearly lies. It's cost people their jobs, okay? And yeah, and it's very, very concerning that they just keep getting away with it over and over again. And now I have a friend of mine going through the same exact thing.

So your friend works with you, and she's being targeted by them.

Now, I actually got documented right out of my job, so you're not working there either.

No.

Oh, so it's damaged. It's damaged my professional reputation. It's damaged. I'm having difficulty getting a job, and I've heard that it's from other people that other people have now left because of similar stuff. And now a friend of mine is that has been working there. The same thing is happening, these outrageous lies, and it just goes on and on, and it's really okay.

So what are you thinking of doing?

That's probably too late for me. I'm already gone, right? But it's damaging. Is what's so concerning to me, and that it's being allowed to continue. And obviously the employer. It's a great, big facility.

Okay, that's what I was going to ask. Does the boss have a boss? Is there somebody higher up in management that you could talk with who doesn't go to the same watering hole with these bullies?

I don't know if that's safe.

If that's safe for your friend. You mean, right?

Okay, I once worked with a woman who was a bully. I worked at a research lab for infants, by the way, and the woman just who I didn't work on her side of the lab, but I was in the same room with her in the same facility, and I for three years just had to put up with her every day because I was too young. I didn't know how to fight the battle. I didn't know what to say, and she didn't I wasn't in her target because I didn't work under her. But whoever came to work under her, she would criticize relentlessly, she would complain, she would roll her eyes—all of those contemptuous body language, those behaviors that you see, and the women that worked with her, they were students at Brown University. They were lovely individuals. There was nothing wrong with them, but she would ruin their chances for happiness. You know, she would try to put a black mark on their record, probably because she was envious. You know, she didn't go to school. I don't know what her problem was. She didn't go to Brown.

So when I left, I told my boss about what I had observed, and he said, "Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back."

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? This Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

When I left, I told my boss about what I had observed, and he said, "Oh, I wish you had told me earlier. We always suspected there were problems," and I'm sharing that with you because sometimes it just eases your mind.

Now, you wouldn't want to do this without your friend’s say-so, and you may not want to do it relating to that particular friend, Catherine, but you may want to figure out a way to document a pattern with people who are already gone, or maybe without naming names. You know, I'm just thinking it sounds like the boss. It would be a dead end to go to the boss if he's in cahoots with the bullies.

Oh, is there a boss's boss's boss? Somebody higher up that you could just—would it be the CEO?

Okay, well, sometimes they're not all in alignment. You know, sometimes the CEO may be a little clueless about what's going on a little lower down in one department. And it might be worth at least composing the letter, and you could sit on it for a while. It could be, I'm not sure this was, this is my experience. Now, you can't say that they are bullies. You can just say what your experience is.

For example, I could say I would come into the office in the morning, and I would notice that she was sitting at my desk, and when I asked if she could get up because I needed to make phone calls, she would say no, and she would roll her eyes. You know, I'm painting a picture. I'm as if I'm sharing a video with you of some of the incidents.

And then you would say, "Boy, that must have been tough. Ellen, she sounds like a real bully or a real hard nut to crack," and she didn't smile and she didn't laugh and she said some things behind a co-worker's back. You know, you could pick a few careful examples that illustrate the pattern without betraying the better people, and this is if you wanted to again, you're the one that's going to judge the risk.

If you wanted some clarity or some justice for yourself, I felt really good.

Go ahead.

Thank you so much for asking. I'm not sure that I can get any justice? I think there will be a natural justice, if you know what I mean.

I think what goes around comes around.

Well, let me give you, let me tell you, there already is justice. You know why?

Why?

Which would you like to live with any of those bullies?

Oh, heck no.

They have to live with themselves.

When I was going through that, it was terrific, yeah, and have somebody say a lie about you. It's awful. It affected me, even to this day, affects me.

Okay, that you can work on. You definitely want to be able to dismiss it as nonsense. Sometimes, if someone comes in and they say, you know, this person called me cold-hearted or what's one of the labels they called you that affects you?

Oh, one of the gals said that I said I have a gun. I know how to use it, and I know where you live in absolutely no context, yeah.

Would I ever, ever say that to anyone, yeah, nor would it be in what context, okay, that has that in the workplace, that has nothing to do with you. That is awful, and that you could—even if you ever heard, I mean, it's a little late now, and it's hard to establish. I mean, it would be a hearsay thing. I'm saying you could turn her into the police, because that sounds like a threat, but I think for yourself—

She said that. I said that, right?

I understand that. And if somebody said that about me, I would want to get to the point of saying I am glad she is out of my life. That is not my character, and what she knows that she lied, and I can live with myself. She can't live with herself.

Listen, if you want to hold on, I'll touch base with you a little bit during the break, and I want to tell you that even though I didn't get the justice directly in terms of that co-worker, when I spoke up, I got the justice indirectly by at least giving myself permission to speak up.

I'm Dr. Kenner, and here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

If you want to see me, you will not do this. You'll make an appointment.

Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder and then act as though I had some choice about barging in? I can help you. If you take responsibility to keep great—

You changed the room.

Around two years ago, do you know how hard it was for me to come here?

Yes, I changed just one pattern, as you always said I should, and that's from the movie, As Good As It Gets.

And are you living with someone who has OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or do you have it? And you know how difficult that is. If you're living with somebody, it can drive you up a wall. If you yourself have it, if your mind latches on to some thoughts or images, and you don't want those in your head, and you don't know how to get rid of them, and you try to stop the thoughts or ignore them and neutralize them, and they seem to grow larger.

And then you might develop some compulsions. Maybe you're checking the door to make sure it's locked, to try to neutralize whatever you think is going on, and there are no causal connections to anything. You just feel very anxious, and you feel this compulsion to have to do something.

I remember hearing one story once of somebody who had to put all of their soup cans or cans in their kitchen in alphabetical order before they felt at ease. They had to reduce their own psychological tension.

Now that does nothing in your life. It's off base. You need to deal with the real problems you're facing, and OCD just kind of puts the—makes your problems, gives you a whole new batch of problems that don't solve anything and make your life a lot more complicated.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

People frequently blame their partner for a lack of intimacy, but it is not always the partner's fault. Some people truly fear intimacy, having a fragile sense of self. They feel vulnerable to being hurt, ridiculed, or rejected. Such individuals are chronically anxious. Paradoxically, they may also cling to their partner for security, not for intimacy, and make unreasonable narcissistic demands.

Some reject intimacy because they fear valuing, wanting, or desiring. They may be emotionally repressed or feel guilty valuing—they fear is too risky or too self-assertive. They may have spent their lives pleasing others or may have been hurt in the past, falsely concluding that it's safer not to pursue or to have personal values.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.