The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com and here's a question I received from someone who's having some parental problems. See what you think of this.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I am studying a difficult subject in school to graduate with a degree which allows me to become an officer in the US Marine Corps. I am performing poorly because I'm distracted by tension at home. I moved back in with my parents after carefully discussing this with them. My mother dutifully wants me to succeed. My father is not supportive, emotionally or financially. He wants me out. I don't want to impose on my parents, but I have no finances and no free time to earn enough money for an apartment. My studies are time-consuming. My parents are frugal to a fault. I'm competing with younger, smarter students with more support. I'm determined to get through this rough patch. How do I increase my motivation and focus on what will get me into the Marine Corps for the rest of the semester?

Kevin, I've got three points I want to make. One has to do with your mindset. Another has to do with the living arrangements, and a third has to do with motivation.

So the first one: you are wanting to be a Marine. When you said, "I want to get through this rough patch," if you have that sort of attitude, that's going to serve you well. For number one, you made it limited. It's just a rough patch. I can visualize the rough patch, and on the other side, it's very smooth. And also it's focused. I want to get through this; you can see that you can get to the other end of it. So that's a very good phrase to carry in your mind mentally: how I want to get through this rough patch.

The next point is, how would you advise your best friend if you were in a similar situation? We tend to get locked in repetitive ways of thinking when we have family issues, and so sometimes seeing it from the perspective of a best friend, someone who absolutely has your best interest at heart, shifts the focus. So what you say to yourself really matters. If you're yourself, you might say something like, "Man, my dad will never be supportive. How can I get through to him? Why is he so hard on me? Why does he reject me? I'll never be able to study at home. He makes my life so difficult. Why are my parents so frugal?"

So you can hear that kind of tone of resignation that you can't win. You do not want your father to own your mental life. So you could coach yourself and try a different thought path. And I call this acceptance. You accept who your dad is. Period. My thoughts might go along the lines of this: "My dad strongly wants me out of the house. It's pointless to argue with him. I've tried that experiment, and it messes up my mind so much that I can't focus on my coursework. What if I roll with it? If I let him know I hear him, now you could say something to him, like this: 'Dad, I know you want me out, and I'm brainstorming ways to achieve that. I know you don't like to carry me financially. I know it's very important to you. I am going to work with the school and ask around to see if there are other options. I want to work, but would have to give up school this semester to do that. School ends in two months, and at that point, I will try to find a job and a roommate and move out. I'll try to minimize my time at home by studying late at the library, and I hope that helps temporarily. And thank you and Mom for the support you've given me so far.' You might try that.

You can also look at different living arrangements. Maybe you can be a house sitter for someone while they live in their other home someplace. Or maybe you can live with a friend temporarily or partially, move out, and stay with a friend a few nights a week to give your parents and yourself a break. Or maybe you can study very late into the evening at Starbucks and just go home only to sleep.

Motivation is very good. You need the motivation to be in the Marines. So be your own cheerleader. You can get extra help with your work, with office hours, and plan for options if your dad kicks you out. Have a backup plan.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, on the rational basis of happiness. And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

And I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and my show is the rational basis of happiness. You matter. Does that resonate with you, or are you one of those people who say, "Oh, it's just me," or "No, it doesn't matter"? Whatever you want, dear. Do you put yourself on the back burner all the time? Do you just treat yourself as a second-class citizen? If you want to get an inkling into why you might do that, what are the origins in your family that made you feel less than, that made you feel inadequate, or perhaps unlovable, or perhaps unworthy, or perhaps a tinge of the loser, or nothing is ever good enough?

If you've got some of that floating around in your subconscious and you want to challenge it, stay tuned, because that's what we talk about: how to challenge some stinking thinking. If you're from Rhode Island, stinking thinking, no G's there, and how to fix that, if your thinking is not founded on fact, if it's just threats from your father, "You do this, or else," or your mother, "Well, you didn't. Why didn't you do this? Here, you did this, I see, but it's not good enough." If you've got so many messages like that and you feel like you're passing them on to your kids too, you want to wait to challenge them. I am a clinical psychologist.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Telling your partner why you love them is especially important as you are falling in love and around the time of the marriage proposal. But don't stop there. Partners want to know what qualities their loved one values in them, to know if they are the same qualities they value in themselves. For example, if you tell a woman you fell in love with her because she's cute and that's it, nothing else, she probably isn't going to feel flattered. A woman of substance surely wants to hear something profound about why she is loved, something specific about her character, her mind, her values, and her way of approaching her career in life. This principle applies to both partners.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.