The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Marie, welcome to the show.
Hi. How are you?
Oh, very good. Thank you. What's your question?

I have a problem with my teenager.
Okay.
She's changed. She's been with the same boyfriend for almost two years now.
Two years, she's been dating someone since the age of 14?
Yeah. Okay, but she's changed so much in the past eight months. Like, it's drastic. She used to be respectful, but now she's saying things like, "You should kill yourself" or "You're dead to me."
She's saying this to your son or to you?
To me, and sometimes to her brother.

Wait a minute, who is she? Marie, who is she saying these things to?
She's saying them to me.
So she's really angry with you. What happened eight months ago? Are you divorced? Are you dating someone else? Has something changed?
No, not at all. Nothing has changed. She's just different now.

What was your relationship like with her before?
She was always a challenging child, always a bit jealous of her brother or anyone who took my attention.

How old is her brother?
He's 19.

So she’s 16 now, right? How would you describe their relationship? Is he the "good kid" while she's the "rebellious" one?
Well, he’s always been the easy-going one. I've never had issues with him. He's responsible, and he respects me. My daughter, on the other hand, always wanted attention, always had to go here and there with friends, and she's very jealous.

What's she jealous of?
She always says things like, "You love him more" or "You should marry him." And my husband tends to favor her, of course.

So there's been a split in the family where Mom sides with the son, and Dad favors the daughter. Is that accurate?
Yes, that's pretty much it.

When she turned 16, she didn’t get a car, but he did. However, he never went out anywhere or caused trouble. He’s been working since he was 14.
What’s your relationship with your husband like, Marie?
The kids think he’s amazing because he works all the time, and I’m the "mean mom."

So both kids come to you, but what about your relationship with your husband? Are you close, or is it a settled marriage where you're bored with each other? Are there frequent fights?
We're on and off. We fight a lot.

What do you mostly fight about?
Basically, I feel alone all the time. He works so much, so I feel abandoned.

So you’re feeling resentful because he's not there for you emotionally. It’s not like in the movie "As Good as It Gets," where he tells her everything he loves about her. You’re not getting that from your husband, right?
Exactly.

How does he treat your daughter? Does he treat her differently?
Oh yes, she’s the queen.

So there's a bit of jealousy here that’s not just sibling rivalry.
Yeah, it feels like he would buy her whatever she wants, even a BMW if she asked. I feel she doesn’t deserve it because she’s so disrespectful to me and her brother.

The dynamics in your family right now are that... (interrupting)
I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then we’ll be back.

Ad Break
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So the dynamics in your family right now are that your son is the golden boy—he’s respectful and values what you do. And your daughter is the rebellious one. The family dynamics are that you’re upset with your husband because he hasn’t been there emotionally. He has time for your daughter but not for you. You feel unimportant and unvalued. Why do you think your daughter got worse eight months ago? Is it the boyfriend?
I’m not sure. It feels like he teases her. They fight for hours sometimes, and she takes it out on me afterward. Recently, the police have come to my door because the neighbors called them.

Wait, I just lost you there. Can you clarify?
It was fine before, but maybe her relationship is unstable. I feel he might dump her, and she takes her frustration out on me.

So you’re the one she lashes out at. She’s used to you being the "softie," and she’s frustrated with her boyfriend now. That’s a piece of this puzzle. You also mentioned feeling like she’s not your favorite child, which is painful to confront. So, here’s what I recommend: work on your connection with her. Find things you genuinely love about her to rebuild a positive relationship. For your husband, express how much you miss him without making it a competition with your daughter. Remind him of your best times together. Maybe consider counseling to rekindle that connection. As for your daughter, if she wants to talk, be there for her. Learning active listening could be beneficial, so she doesn’t see you as the "punching bag" but rather as someone she can rely on.

Thank you very much for your call. Please let me know how things go, Marie.

Outro
For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

One skill necessary for effective communication between romantic partners—and anyone, for that matter—is to listen attentively and politely with full focus for clear understanding. If you’re tired or distracted, let your partner know that it isn’t the best time for an important conversation. This consideration shows that you value your partner. However, sometimes you need to listen even when you’re tired, especially if your partner is in great need at that moment. Give suggestions only if it’s clear your partner wants them. Often, your partner just wants to feel understood.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.