The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and I mentioned about a nine-year-old girl. See what you think about this situation. You probably, if you have kids and you've been driving in the car with kids, know what havoc they can wreak.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

My nine-year-old daughter Brianna is displaying some disturbing behavior. During her birthday party this year, she decided that we were not making a big enough deal for her, and she decided to run away. She stormed out the door. I gave her 10 minutes to cool off. So obviously, as the parent—the mom, in this case—you’re not thinking that she’s going to do anything drastic. Then we went to look for her an hour later. Can you imagine these parents? An hour later, looking for their child who ran away from her own birthday party. An hour later, she was lying at the side of the road on the pavement, and it was dark outside. So she’s really putting herself in a risky situation. Since then, she has declared several times that she wishes she was dead. She has become violent with me—hitting, kicking, and shouting that she can beat me up. I’m about twice her size.

Okay, I want to pause there, because we haven’t even gotten to the car ride yet. Whenever I hear that a kid is getting violent and doing a lot of outrageous things, especially self-injury or some suicidal behavior or some real hostile behavior—because I worked with highly abused children—I think of physical abuse. I think of sexual abuse. So this may be a cry for help from her. It may not be that she’s just a bratty kid, but you need to understand the cause. Many times, sexual abuse happens with close family members or a babysitter. So it may not be the case here, however, it definitely is something to rule out, especially if she went from being a darling little girl as a child and then suddenly became violent and self-injurious.

Here’s continuing with her letter:

The latest and most disturbing thing happened a few weeks ago.

My husband was driving her home from dancing lessons, and she began arguing with her seven-year-old brother, Jimmy. He teased her, and she shouted for Dad to make him stop. Dad was driving and ignored her demand. She then declared that she was going to throw herself out of the car, and she proceeded to remove her seatbelt. She opened the sliding door of the minivan, about to leave. Dad had to stop driving, obviously, and re-closed the door with a safety lock on.

I don’t know what to do about Brianna. She seems to get triggered when she doesn’t get her way. I’m afraid that making a big deal about this, as much as it warrants, may be just what she wants out of it—the attention. I should add that she’s also been extremely jealous of her brother.

Sincerely, Melanie.

Melanie, I would go out right now and get the book Siblings Without Rivalry because as a parent, you may inadvertently be contributing to her escalating behavior, and it can be a family pattern that’s set up. For example, if you keep telling her, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” then in that moment she’s thinking, “I hate my brother,” and he becomes the enemy. So comparisons like that are something parents frequently do. I’m not saying that you do that, but if you do, that’s a major problem. If you don’t hold her accountable for her bad behavior and give her the skills—remember that kids come to us uncivilized, and we have to give them the instruction manual, or we have to civilize them for life—so you need to be able to say, “When you get real angry, tell it to me in words, or write me a note. Kid, hitting and kicking are inexcusable. We don’t hit and kick in this family. I expect that to stop. You are going to be put in your room now, or I’m going in the other room. I’m going away from you. I expect an apology.” You can set stern standards, firm boundaries without being aggressive yourself. If you hit back, if you punch back, if you threaten, all of those will backfire in your face. So you want to learn great parenting skills. I can tell you that my having read the works of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (Siblings Without Rivalry, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk) made me into a much better parent than I ever would have been if I went on autopilot.

So again, rule out abuse. She does look like she needs some visibility. So if you sit down and listen to her when she’s in a good mood—not when she’s in a bad mood—but listen to what bothered her about her birthday. Did everyone ignore her? Did they just blow out candles on a cake, and then they talked about Uncle Joe’s new cigar store, and she felt invisible? Did you promise her a bike, but she got an Easy-Bake Oven and she didn’t want that, and she just feels like she’s not cared for? Is she not your favorite child? Do you project onto her the feelings you had towards a sibling? So again, you want to take a look at all the family dynamics.

It would be great if you could get some family therapy together. You want to help her learn less volatile coping strategies—some really good coping strategies—and train her in those, and you want to learn some parenting skills for yourself that will really help you out.

I want to add one more thing to that. With my kids, I read them stories of heroes—how heroes dealt with bullies—and that may help too. I have a list here of people that I read the stories of: Young Americans. There’s a whole series: Abe Lincoln, George Washington, George Westinghouse, George Gershwin. Got a lot of Georges here. Ben Franklin, Christopher Columbus, Charles Darwin, Alexander Graham Bell. My kids could see how these heroes acted in the face of a lot of difficulties, not getting their own way, and they’re much better role models. And of course, you want to be a good role model too.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

How long does it take to thoroughly get to know a person? That depends on the person. Sometimes you gain enough key information to make a reasonably informed negative judgment within minutes, for example, if the person has obvious traits that you despise. But for a person you choose to continue seeing, it can take many months of interaction to learn everything you need to know. A useful, though not foolproof, guideline is to know the person for at least a year before getting married. Some can be sure in less than a year; others need several years to know a person really well. There may be red flags you want to investigate. For example, he seems to drink a lot when you go out, but claims he’s never had an alcohol problem. Check on this from other sources—family, friends, and co-workers.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.