The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

My wife recently told me that when she reads a word, her mind automatically goes to work putting the letters of the word in alphabetical order. For example, when she reads the word “chocolate cake,” her brain goes into: A, C, E, H, L, O, T, A, C, E, K. I'm not even going to stop to figure out whether she got it right.

Why is this, and how can you change this?

The gentleman tried to find an answer online and couldn't find it. I will tell you, I have never heard of this particular problem, but I have heard of odd habits. So the first question I have is: When has your wife ever alphabetized? You know, when have we done it?

Maybe she was a filing clerk. Maybe she used to be involved in school with the spelling bees and alphabetizing, or had a game with some friends and she was the star, and it became a source of self-esteem, and she just kept that. Or maybe when she was very anxious—oh, man, I just thought of something.

I learned Morse code going from A to Z—did you know? And I got my, what is it, the ham radio license a few decades ago. And when did I use it? I only used Morse code, apart from passing the test once—or actually twice—when I was delivering my kids. When I was in labor, I needed a distractor. So over and over and over, I repeated the alphabet from A to Z. You know, someone else might hum a lovely tune, but I chose to do dada dada.

So that's a very odd habit. So if in the future I end up doing dada dada, we might need to trace it back to where that came from. Well, the same with your wife's problem.

When did she alphabetize? Did she play games like Boggle or some crossword puzzles? I don't know. She needs to do the introspective work to figure out when she alphabetized.

The second point is: What does she say to herself? If she says to herself, “Oh my god, I can't change,” she's not going to put forth any effort to change. She needs to offer herself another possibility, very gently—that change is possible and that she can take a break when she is reading.

Maybe she will alphabetize a few words, but give herself the option of taking a “coffee break” (in quotes), and train herself not to do it too—to try to—and catch herself when she's not doing it.

Here is someone that had a very odd habit. This is in a book, Changing for Good.

This is a professor: “Once, when I was teaching a class of 300 students, I developed the habit of…”

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

Once, when I was teaching a class of 300 students, I developed the habit of ending sentences with the phrase “on it” — O-N-I-T — in much the same way some people say “you know.” I would say things like, “Freud is the second most famous psychologist of all time—on it. Skinner is now the most famous—on it.” I was unaware of the problem until the freshmen had the nerve to confront me about it.

I tried to interpret what “on it” meant to me but could not discover any deeper meaning. Without increased awareness, however, I could do nothing about this irritating habit. Eventually, I asked my class to raise their hands whenever I said “on it.” Now, what do you think happened?

With 300 hands making me fully conscious of this habit, I changed in record time.

So maybe there's something your wife can do to help her change in record time, or at least to start the change process. And I do recommend that book Changing for Good. Prochaska is the first author on that, and Norcross and DiClemente are the others. That's at my website, DrKenner.com — D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com — for more.

For Dr. Kenner's podcast, go to DrKenner.com.

And please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

John was a successful Broadway actor who worked regularly and happily. On vacation, he met and fell in love with Sue, who lived in a small town in Oregon. She ran her own business and loved it very much. There followed an intense, long-distance romance that lasted almost a year.

Wanting a permanent relationship, Sue ultimately demanded that John quit his New York job and move to the West Coast to live with her. John complained that he could not pursue his acting career in Oregon and refused to give it up. Sue was furious at John's refusal.

This conflict ended the relationship. Conventionally, one would call Sue selfish. But observe that her demand was not, in fact, in her actual self-interest because it destroyed a relationship that she greatly valued.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.