The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com

You know, we all say, Oh, I can't believe I forgot the keys again, or I left my wallet at home. I can't believe it’s just me. I always do that. What happens if you say that to yourself over and over again? Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Well, here's a question I received from a woman, Rosemary, and see what you might tell her, and see if you can relate to some of this.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I have a big problem with staying focused and paying attention when I leave home. I'm always forgetting something important—keys, money, my jacket, an umbrella, a player—and sometimes it’s very important. The second problem I have is reading a book, even one that I really like, which is difficult. I jump three paragraphs down, look to where the sentence ends, the chapter, etc. Or while I'm reading, my eyes seem to be reading, and I start thinking about something else, and I do have a crazy thirst for reading and learning, but this is holding me back so badly. This is my problem with focusing and paying attention. For some information, I'm 21 years old. I'm studying psychology, and have been for two years now. I work in the meantime, and I am totally on my own. My parents are not sending me money anymore, and we even live in different towns. I was raised by my brothers, even though we were all living in the same house. We have five kids, and I have two wonderful brothers and two sisters. I was the youngest. I don't know if it could be one of the causes, but my father was always using the reading, in quotes, as punishment during my childhood. I tried to work with that as the cause, but didn’t get much out of it. Thank you very much, Rosemary.

Okay, so I'm going to focus on this in two different directions.

I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw… Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

So I'm going to focus on this in two different directions. One is going to be the trauma. Could your dad—could using reading as punishment—have had an impact on your ability to focus? And the other is, don’t beat up on yourself. What we sometimes do is we say, you know, I'm always forgetting something, and we forget the times that we remembered something. You don't forget your keys every single day, you don’t forget your money every single day, you don’t forget your jacket or an umbrella when it’s raining every single time it rains, or every single time you need your jacket. So you need to start collecting the times when you do remember things and underscore those so that you can break away from that role that you've cast yourself in, that you're always a forgetful person. You’re not always a forgetful person, Rosemary; you're sometimes forgetful, and sometimes you're not forgetful, and sometimes you can be very focused. So you want to focus on the times when you're not a forgetful person, and remind yourself of that. You can even keep track of that.

And the next thing is you need—we all need—methods of how to toggle our mind to remember things. We can't just expect it to happen. We need to build a trusted method of how to remember your keys, for example. My daughter gave me a darling little pottery jar, and I keep that near the door. In the past, I used to lose my keys so often—were they in my car? Were they in my purse? Did I leave them in a coat pocket? Did I bring them down to my office? Now I have a trusted method. When I walk into my house, I put the keys right in the kitchen, in that little jar that my daughter gave me, and I've built that into a habit, and I can't remember… well, maybe I can. I do remember recently, I did lose my keys once, but who cares? Because most of the time, I remember my keys because I have that method, and so you don’t want to beat up on yourself. My husband once forgot his passport when we were traveling. Important, very important. He remained cool. He didn’t build it into his character: "I’m so stupid, I can't believe I did this." We just turned around, went home, got the passport, and actually made it back to make the plane on time. It was a very nice way to handle it, rather than him complaining all the way back and beating up on himself. So you want to be able to say to yourself, "I am capable of…" You can use external aids, such as Post-its, keeping keys in a consistent place, and breaking that title that "I’m a forgetful person."

Now let’s move to the trauma. You say that when you start to read, you drift. So that idea of having difficulty staying focused and paying attention may be related to some trauma. It sounds like you had a fairly big family—you have five kids in your family, and you were the baby. Maybe you were an afterthought, I don’t know. Maybe your parents wanted you, I don’t know, but you were raised by your brothers, which raises a lot of questions for me, even though you guys were all living in the same house. You said your brothers were very supportive, but your father was punishing you, and he'd punish you by reading. I don’t know what that means. Whether that means that he would force you to read or not let you read. But man, if my father used punishment for reading, and I really loved reading, and he took away my reading, then when I did read, I might start to think, "Oh, my God, I hope I don't get punished." Now you would have a natural distractor built in, so you can continue exploring that. You can look up cognitive therapy, Academy of ct.org, because I love the idea that you're exploring what could cause this. Look for other causes too. And then you need to separate out of your mental folder. One part is going to be good reading, and the other part will be trauma from Dad, and they should never meet. Enjoy your reading.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Now, what constitutes an affair? Let’s talk for a moment about affairs. You tell your wife you’re at the office late. That’s not the case. You’re actually wining and dining your secretary and then going to her apartment for a nightcap. Or it could be your husband thinks you're away with a girlfriend. You know, you tell him, "I'm just going out of town for a bit with my girlfriend." But that's not the case. You're sipping champagne in a charming inn with a guy you met in a chat room.

Now, affairs—affairs can be so tempting. Why are they so tempting to so many people, and yet we all know they leave a wake of pain that can last for months, years, or even a lifetime, and they can hurt so many people in the process. For example, your kids—you have an affair because it’s so romantic, it’s so wonderful—not even thinking about the effect that that affair will have on the kids when it comes out in the open. So what would you consider an affair? Talking with someone in a chat room? Having sex with someone? And what makes affairs so tempting in longer-term marriages? Why does that happen? And how would a therapist help a couple deal with and maybe even get past an affair? Is that even possible?

There is a three-stage model for helping a couple cope and get past the affair, and later in the show, I will be talking with an expert on this topic. She’s Dr. Tiffany Kistler, an expert on couple and family therapy, and the co-founder of the Psychological Center for Sexual Health in Rhode Island. So stay tuned for that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

In deciding whether to forgive your partner for an injustice, consider: Is the problem reversible? Adultery and serious injury due to drunk driving are not reversible. Forgetting the milk is; you can get back in the car and go get it. Patterns of neglect may or may not be easily changeable. Was a proper, sincere apology given, assuming that an apology is sufficient? For example, "Honey, I'm so sorry I made fun of you in front of our guests. I was trying to score points for myself. I promise I'll never do it again." Any meaningful apology has to be backed up by subsequent behavior that is consistent with it.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.