The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

In the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and Amazon.com.

My sister was in New Jersey. She was there getting some antique toys and just parked on a side road in kind of a seedy area of town, and she walked out of the antique store or whatever it was, walking towards her van, and she sees a lot of activity around her van. What's her gut response? Well, you don't know my sister, but my sister just looked and I won't use the language she used, but she said, "What the heck are you doing? Are you robbing my van?"

It's like she had the audacity to say, "Get the heck out of here." But she said it, you know, with very strong language. Now I don’t think I would respond that way. I think I would run away, or I would freeze. I don’t know; that has not happened to me, but how do you respond when someone threatens violence? Whether it’s someone threatening to punch you out, domestic violence, your husband or wife wanting to beat you up, or violence with someone holding a gun to your head, at a convenience store during a robbery, or someone trying to enter your home. With me today is Dr. James Campbell. He’s the Rhode Island coordinator for the American Psychological Association, American Red Cross Disaster Response Network, and he is a frequent consultant to corporations regarding crisis response and threat of violence. He’s the director of the University of Rhode Island Counseling Center, and he teaches courses in traumatic stress and workplace violence. He is also the author of Hostage, Terror, and Triumph. Welcome to the show, Dr. James Campbell.

"Thank you very much."

If you could tell us a little bit about psychological self-defense, the do's and the don'ts, would you say that what my sister did was good, bad, indifferent, or what?

"Well, we all resonate to stories like your sister's, and then there's the brave store owner who responds assertively and with outrage and scares the perpetrator away. However, there are many more stories where that results in a very unpleasant outcome and injuries to victims."

So my sister was very lucky?

"Yes, I think they did steal the items that they had already, but I think she stopped it midstream."

"Yes. So typically, you’d want to focus first on security—the human being, staying alive. It’s usually more important than protecting money or objects. Focus on safety first, and go with the prudent route: call the police, back away, and let them do their job. That’s probably the more prudent route. But sometimes, you know, in our moment of rage, we respond out of anger. It's understandable, and I’m glad she was okay."

So what are the things you should not do if you’ve got, say, a burglar coming into your home?

"Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back."

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Ah, here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

So what are the things you should not do if you’ve got, say, a burglar coming into your home?

"Well, if you’re certain you have a burglar entering your home, then you’d want to get the police there as quickly as possible and try to go to a secure place where you can lock a door until they arrive. Generally, that would be the most advisable response, or if you can leave and get away. Usually, confronting perpetrators who are prepared to commit violence is not advisable. Even when I’m working with potential perpetrators, in a threat of violence situation, if I have any concerns about safety at all, I make sure I have several plainclothes security officers there observing. There’s no good reason to risk your life when it’s not necessary, right?"

I remember I worked at a Veterans Hospital. Have you worked at one too?

"Not at a VA."

"Okay, I worked there for two years. When I applied for the job, they looked at me—I'm petite—and they said, 'What would you do if someone pulled a gun out at you, Ellen?' And I thought, ‘Who would do that to me?’ I wasn’t thinking. Then they said, ‘This is a Veterans Hospital.’ After that, we got training. Everyone in my class was trained not to wear thick gold necklaces, because someone could use it to strangle you. You sit next to the door if you’re with a potentially violent person, leaving it slightly open, with a distress alarm button you can push. Sometimes I had security guards outside the door, like you said. I also had to perform a duty to warn a few times. Would you explain what that is?"

"Duty to warn applies if you’re working with a patient who has made a threat towards an identifiable target. In most states, a health or mental health provider has a responsibility to warn the potential target and to inform the police. It’s rarely used but sometimes necessary."

In a VA hospital, people have a lot of built-up anger. These were mostly Vietnam Vets at the time.

"And they all have familiarity with weapons."

And they tell a psychologist openly: "I’m going to kill my neighbor, Joe, tomorrow. I’m going to kill my wife and kids." They have the weapon, and they mean it. You have to assess carefully and may need to call the police, which puts your own life in jeopardy.

"Yes, because they could get very angry with you. And again, I’m petite, and these are big, strong, trained guys. So it’s worth noting that we’re discussing a specific group. Veterans in general are not violent."

Very good point. So if someone’s threatening violence, what steps would you recommend?

"Basics apply to most situations, though specifics may vary. Generally, pay attention to your gut feelings and fears. Don’t ignore warning signs. People often delay reacting, thinking it’s paranoia, but if you’re feeling concerned, take it seriously. Don’t go it alone; connect with others. At work, talk to your boss, HR, or security. Handle it as a team effort. If you feel personally at risk, prioritize safety—like if someone is stalking you. Be aware, log incidents, vary your routine, and increase home security. Tell neighbors and note details like license plates. In serious cases, consider staying with a friend or relocating temporarily."

Yes, personal safety first. I tell clients facing potential domestic violence that safety is always the priority. Thank you so much for joining us today, Dr. James Campbell.

"Thank you. It’s been a pleasure."

And for those listening, think about your own life. Ask yourself: "Am I safe?" For most of us, the answer is yes, but if there is a hostile person in your life or work, do you have the skills to protect yourself? Knowing how to act in an emergency is valuable. It’s good to be prepared.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Here are some aspects of a romantic partner you’ll want to know about. What does your loved one consider an ideal romantic evening? What about a romantic weekend getaway? What types of vacations does your partner enjoy—resorts, sightseeing, or wilderness camping? Do they prefer spontaneous trips or planned events? What types of small gifts do they enjoy? What affects your partner deeply, positively or negatively? Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy the book at Amazon.com.