The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and@amazon.com

And right now, I want to welcome Jason to the show. Jason, you're having difficulty with trust issues with your... Yeah, yeah. What's going on?

Well, you know, I have a really beautiful, nice, sweet, caring girlfriend. And, I mean, we started our relationship about a year ago, and she had just graduated high school, and now she's off at college, yeah, and I guess after she started college, I just, I don't know, I just started having trust problems, and I know in my, you know, deep down, that she won't hurt me. But for some reason, I just keep feeling that possibly, you know, she is. I've had problems in the past with bad relationships and everything like that. You know, things seem great at first, and I try to be as nice as possible. But, you know, I always kind of get raked over the coals in the end, and I'm just, I know she's not going to hurt me, but yet I kind of think that she will.

Okay. So whenever you have that feeling, "I feel like I may be hurt," you want to look for some evidence. Now, how old are you, Jason?

I'm 24.

You're 24, and she's how old?

She's 18. So what does that tell you, right off?

Well, you know, she maybe has a little growing up to do. I know that, right?

There's a six-year age difference, yep, right? And when did you meet her? I know you've already told me this, but let's...

Well, you know, we've actually kind of known each other for years. I was friends with her brother, and I think, I guess things just kind of developed, and I guess we just really kind of hit it off, just, you know, last year.

Okay, so what is her dating experience?

What is her dating experience? Well, you know... And this is another thing that's kind of hurt our relationship in some areas, is talking about her past. The problem with her is she has a very attractive body, I guess you could say, and that's part of the thing that kind of bothers me sometimes too, is she's attracted in the past, real jerks, basically, we could say, that have used her just for her body, yeah, and it's just part of that that kind of bothers me. And she said herself that she's been stupid in the past and made bad decisions. So it just scares me. Is she going to make a bad decision again?

Okay, so she might be tempted. How often do you guys see one another?

Do we see one another? Right. I try to make it down... I mean, we're only maybe an hour and a half apart, yeah, I try to make it down, you know, about mid-week, about Wednesday night to stay with her, you know, just have dinner or whatever. And she's always home every weekend.

Okay, so you see her on weekends, yep, and she's in college. Now, did you graduate? Or did you go to college?

Yeah, I graduated college a few years ago.

Okay. And, you know, this is her freshman year, just starting out.

Okay. So here, what do you think if she's had some dates in the past? What do you know about people who have dated their high school sweetheart? They end up marrying the high school sweetheart. Do you know anything about the track record of relationships like that?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance... that is interesting.

Do you know anything about the track record of relationships like that?

Well, you know, my parents, I guess they... you know, my parents were actually... it's kind of a funny story. It's sort of the same kind of thing that I'm in right now. Yeah, you know, my mother was kind of in the same relationship or same position as my girlfriend is, and my father... I'm in basically my father's position. They knew each other for years, family friends and everything, yeah, and then once she was older, you know, that happened, you know, they kind of hit it off, and well, you know, and they're... they're very happy, they're happily married, yeah.

Okay, but on the same... her parents... And this is another thing that kind of, deep down, I thought about before too. Her parents were high school sweethearts, and her mom ended up cheating on her dad, yeah, and ran off with another man. And part of me has thought of that before, too. And, you know, I've actually confronted her and told her that that concerns me. And, I mean, she got really upset about it, you know, asking me why I'd ever think she'd do something like that, you know. So I feel bad that I'm doing that. I just want to try to get this resolved so I don't hurt early.

Let me... let me jump in here, Jason. What I'm hearing is that there's a piece of this that's a little sad for me, because if you met when you were a little older, and she was a little older and had some good dating experience under her belt, it's possible it could work beautifully. You know, my husband and I have six years between us. He's six years older than I am, and we've been married for I don't know how many years now—35 or thereabouts. Very happily married. The fact that she's still in... just went from high school dating you in high school to college, and it's her first year in college. She's going to be introduced to a lot of interesting people. They may not all be jerks, Jason, and that's got to be a concern. If I were in your shoes, I think, what if she doesn't meet a jerk, but she meets someone that she likes better, or is tempted to date? That's much more of a threat to me than a jerk, and that's always a possibility. And you can't force her mind, and as much as you would want it, you can't have a guarantee that she will want to stay with you. The best thing you can do is build an honesty with her, that if she becomes attracted to someone else, that she let you know, so you don't have to have these haunting fears. Because one of the worst fears you can have is somebody you think everything's going along well at work or in a romantic relationship, and suddenly the person pulls the wool... the rug, out from under you and says, "I'm out of here, honey," or you're... you're out of a job. That type of haunting feeling where you can't predict it is awful. So try not to let that overshadow yourself moving forward. It's possible you could have a good relationship with her. Don't try to force her. Don't try to... if you keep haranguing her, she will be looking for other people. But try to keep the chains of communication open. You can tell her, "Listen, it's natural to be attracted to other people. If that's the case, let me know. If you need to date a little bit, let me know. You know, I want to be here for you, but I don't want to feel that I'm forcing you." And if you're loving and supportive, I think you have a much better chance. So listen, I want to thank you for your call, and...

Here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Hey, Niles, Maris found a gray hair. Captain again, miles of Randy.

It was right at the apex of her widow's peak... how to bring the bottle. She blames me, Dad. She said it's from the stress I caused her last night when I thoughtlessly turned on the light while she was getting undressed.

And do you have that problem? That's obviously from Frasier, that's Niles and Frasier. And do you have that problem, though? Are you afraid to look in the mirror? Are you afraid to see yourself naked and look at... Do you enjoy your body, or have you always been ashamed of your body? Does it come... does any shame come from the fact that you're obese or maybe too thin, like Maris? And you know that that's some reality... that's a reality check telling you, take care of yourself, take care of your body. It's your home for your life. You might as well tend to it, take care of it. Or does that shame come from maybe some ideas you have about the body being shameful... sex is shameful, nudity is shameful, and that somehow we should all be cloaked in ways that don't disclose anything, and you feel guilty for any sensuality or sexuality because of ideas you've been taught—maybe secular versions or religious versions—that the body is only temporary, and the soul is what counts. Well, what about looking at it as though you are a whole person, which you are: your mind and body, and tending to both is very important, and it can make your life a whole lot happier.

For more, Dr. Kenner's podcast, go to Drkenner.com, and please listen to this...

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Doctors Kenner and Locke:

One issue to consider when learning about a potential romantic partner is the issue of health. Does a potential partner have any health problems that would frustrate you or become intolerable to live with on a daily basis? For example, does he or she have allergies to cats or an inability to join you on the ski slopes because of knee problems, a heart problem, debilitating migraines, or a chronic disease? You yourself may have health problems, and you would want to make sure that your partner is accepting of them. Some people don't mind having a partner with even serious physical limitations, but for others, even minor but chronic limitations become a major source of frustration.

Download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com