The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Here is an email I received about erotica. Let's change that name. It is not erotica. It is porn. What is the difference between erotica and porn? And listen to this question, and then I want to talk a little bit more about it at the end about erotica.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I have an addiction to porn, among other things. Okay, there are other things going on. I don't know if it's drugs and alcohol, but those and gambling, those kinds of go together. But the question: is addiction to porn, or is it a habit that you've chosen at some point, and you have allowed yourself to grow it and grow it and grow it, and then it's a habit. You need a break. You need to break, so I haven't. Dear Dr. Kenner, I have an addiction to porn, among other things. I told my close friend, who is somewhat trying to help me through it, but I feel so desperate. Sometimes I feel like I need to spill my guts to someone in graphic details. When I've slipped up, things feel so bottled up, and it feels like I'm struggling alone, but I fear that too many details may leave me too exposed, that is true, and make the other person uncomfortable. Yes, typically, yes.

Why do you think I so strongly feel the need to express in details, what I've done pornographically, or I guess, an addiction to porn, and how I did it. Okay, your mind is screaming at you. The good part of your mind, hopefully, is screaming at you to say, get some help. This is out of control, which, of course, you're doing because you're emailing me. So you, part of you, the good part of you, wants to win this battle and to get back, my guess is to maybe some intimate relationship with another person, instead of a pseudo intimate relationship with porn stars or whatnot. But when you talk about the need to spill your guts, it sounds like you need to do thinking about this, you can spill your guts on paper and then shred it afterward, and then you have all your privacy. If you have the skills to sort it through on your own, which very few people do. So you could also go to a therapist, even a specialist who deals with sexual issues and spill your guts there and find out why you need to spill your gut. Some people just need the visibility. Some people need to shock people, and so they've shocked themselves, and they want to bring other people into the loop. That's not a good motive. Some people want to be excused. Oh, honey, we're all sinners, you know. Okay, so you're addicted to porn, but I'm addicted to whatnot. Some people. Again, I like to shock people. It's almost like putting graffiti on another person when you bare your soul. But it depends on what porn you're talking about. If you are just talking about, hey,

I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick Ave, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting. If

you are just talking about self-pleasuring, if you're talking about using it just to enhance or to discover your own sexual appetite and it's soft-core and it looks all healthy, don't beat up on yourself. You may be beating up on yourself unnecessarily, but if your life is being torn apart by it, your entire life revolves around going to the computer or looking at the magazines or whatnot, meeting people or going into chat rooms, and you're neglecting your job, your family, and intimacy with a partner, big time trouble, get help. So I recommend that you do get some help. There is help. There are skills. Cognitive therapy teaches them, such as getting away, putting a filter on your computer so you can't see the porn, staying away from the computer, the TV. Change your routine, change your thoughts, figure out how to deal with your emotions, anxiety, depression, loneliness, anger, guilt, do a pros and cons so you can see the consequences in your own life of using porn. And also think about getting better relationships and figure out how to do what's called relapse prevention, help yourself if you slip up.

So what do I think about erotica? I think that if it were healthy and if they weren't using people who were being abused, I think there's nothing wrong. We go to museums and we see with soft core, obviously, we see sexy pictures. And why can't you enjoy your sexual life? So I am for healthy erotica. I am against the hardcore porn. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness. And

here's a little more from Dr. Ken. Hunter, and I am

Dr. Ellen Kenner, and the show is the rational basis of happiness. And we're talking about not happiness for people in general. We're talking about your happiness, your individual glow in life. You're feeling that you are really on the right track, that or at least you're aiming in that direction, and that you have good thinking skills, and that you have a good moral code to guide you, a rational moral code, not a mystical code, not an irrational moral code. Look what's happening now, where people are being told they have to kill themselves, and they buy into it. That's an ugly moral code. A moral code should tell you, in my favorite author's terms, my favorite philosopher, Ayn Rand, a y n, r n, d, not to suffer and die. But a moral code should tell you how to enjoy your life and live on this earth, how to fully flourish, being honest, having integrity, having a feeling of earned pride, not a boastful pride, obviously, and making yourself into a person that you can sleep with at night, that you admire. And that's no easy task, and it's not an easy task when you've been fed contradictions throughout your life, ideas that have said don't make waves, or you can't fight city hall. Or Who are you to speak? Who do you think you are? Or that selfish you want a career that you would enjoy? How selfish when other people, huh? Here's the four-letter word need you that is not a healthy view of life, and yet it's been accepted as a moral code, and most people are hopelessly confused, and they wobble back and forth between, oh, I'm a good person because I do for everyone else but myself. And you know what? It's about? Time I did for myself. I'm going back to the gym, and I'm just tired of doing for everyone else, and then you feel guilty, and it's just a roller coaster ride. Don't do that for yourself. If you want the gift of a lifetime, get a rational moral code. And you can do that by going to my website, DrKenner.com, and looking at books there I have. But even better, you can go to AynRand.org and maybe get The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged. That's how I started. And I'll tell you, I love my life now, and I have worked hard to learn communication skills, to learn thinking skills, and to really learn how to flourish, to learn how to pursue my own goals. And when I earn guilt, man, I need to make amends. And when I have earned guilt, man, I need to learn not to accept unearned guilt, which many of us accept way too quickly. So again, I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. My show is the rational basis of happiness. My number is toll free, 1-877-DR-KENNER. You can also go to my website, DrKenner.com, d-r-k-e-n-n-e-r.com.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this. Ned.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke. You

cannot value romance if you don't have other values in your life. Some of the areas in which you can pursue values are a career or a job. Is your job or career something you love, or did you choose it for other reasons, such as conformity, fear, or duty? The ideal job is one about which you say, this job is so great, I can't believe they pay me to do it. Not everyone can find such a job, especially in bad economic times, but it's worth the effort, even if it means changing careers and home. Make your home warm and inviting, tailored to your aesthetic taste and needs. Don't make it a vehicle for showing off, but do make it your own, a reflection of your standards and desires, not those of others.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.