The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

I was talking about, what do you do if you fall for somebody else at work and you're in a committed relationship with Tom? So a girl, this woman, Charlene, is in a relationship with Tom, and she's very attracted to Andy at work, and they've crossed the line. She's had an affair with Andy. She's made love with him. So I said first, the first thing she needs to do is to understand herself, she needs to understand her own emotions. What are her big doubts about her current boyfriend, Tom? What are they? Is she just exaggerating them because she's embarrassed? Is she bored with him? Is he perfect, but she feels insecure? Is he an alcoholic? Is he not ambitious? Is he a mama's boy? Contrast him with the guy at work. What is the guy at work providing that the current relationship isn’t? Does she just like the taboo nature of it, or are there real, genuine problems in her relationship with Tom that maybe she didn’t mention that she needs to name for herself, and maybe it’s time to leave Tom. So until she knows what direction she wants to go, it’s unfair to bring it up to Tom, but she needs to do that ASAP so she can ask herself questions such as, as I just said, those were a stronger set of questions. What do I know about myself? Why did I allow myself to flirt? Why did I allow myself to cross the line with Andy without breaking up with Tom first? What is it about Andy that I’m enjoying? Is it that emotional visibility, that feeling intimate with him that I’m not currently getting with Tom? Would that fade with Andy over time, just like it did with Tom? Do we need skills to preserve a relationship? Are there negative aspects of Andy that I’m overlooking? So those are the types of introspective questions that you want to ask yourself. Then get together with Tom. Find a good time when he doesn’t have a lot else on his mind, but relatively soon, and say, “Tom, hey,

I got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.”

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting. Then

get together with Tom, find a good time when he doesn’t have a lot else on his mind, but relatively soon, and say, “Tom, you may have noticed that I’m acting a little off lately. I’ve been acting weird. I want to let you know what I did. I want to level with you. In one sense, I wish I could turn back time, but I can’t. I know I’ve hurt you, and I want to let you know the facts. Then you can ask me questions if you want, or if you need to take some time to think about this, you can.” He’s already preparing himself. You can tell him. Then you can tell him, get right to the point: “I’ve been talking with Andy a lot at work—you know, I’ve mentioned him. We became flirtatious a few months ago, I never stopped it. I enjoyed his attention, and last week, I crossed the line and we had sex. I know that you may be tempted to be angry at Andy. I take responsibility for my role in having done this. I’m still having feelings for him, and I also feel massively guilty because I’ve betrayed you and I’ve betrayed myself. I’d always prided myself on being honest, and I’ve crossed the line. I don’t want to make it even worse by pretending it didn’t happen. Ask me any questions you’d like. I am very sorry, but I know just saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t cut it. I owe you both that I tell you all the facts and that I do the thinking for myself and let you know how I’m feeling and listen to you.” If you’ve decided to break off the relationship at this point, you need to let him know what you really, really liked about him, and then give some indication of why it’s changed, but go at his pace because he may not be able to digest all of this in one sitting. If you want to rebuild the relationship, he may not have a choice; he may break it off immediately. But if he does want to rebuild it, I would get the book After the Affair by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring. So it’s After the Affair by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring. My website’s DrKenner.com,

and here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

This is the email I received from a student—someone who was getting their doctoral degree at the University of Calcutta in India. So the question is about, what is happiness? Can you tell me more? I am Debottree—I won’t try to pronounce the last name—doing my PhD on happiness at Calcutta University, India. Please tell me the actual definition of happiness and waiting for your response. Thank you, Debottree, and I highly recommend getting the book Objectivism: The Philosophy of Ayn Rand and reading chapter nine on happiness. It is a phenomenal book by Dr. Leonard Peikoff. You can get it at www.AynRandbookstore.com or you can go to my website, DrKenner.com—I don’t think I have that book on there, though. So it’s www.AynRandbookstore.org. Happiness is the success—here’s the definition from the philosopher Ayn Rand: “Happiness is the successful state of life, pain is an agent of death.” Here’s the definition: “Happiness is the state of consciousness—the state of your mental functioning, your mind—which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.” Now she continues—Ayn Rand continues: “A morality that dares to tell you to find happiness in the renunciation of your happiness—for example, giving up—you always give up to your family, to friends, to strangers, to the country, to the politicians. A morality that dares to tell you that to value the failure of your values is an insolent negation of morality. A doctrine that gives you, as the ideal, the role of a sacrificial animal seeking slaughter on the altar of others is giving you death as your standard. By the grace of reality and the nature of life, man—every man—is an end in himself. He exists for his own sake, and the achievement of his own happiness is his highest moral purpose.” Now that doesn’t mean that you can’t have wonderful friends. Of course, you will—they are of rational value. And she continues: “But neither life nor happiness can be achieved by the pursuit of irrational whims, just as man is free to attempt to survive in any random manner but will perish unless he lives as his nature requires. So he’s free to seek happiness in any mindless fraud, but the torture of frustration is all he’ll find unless he seeks the happiness proper to man. The purpose of morality is to teach you not to suffer and die, but to enjoy your life and live.” And that’s from my favorite book, Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. So happiness is, again, that state of consciousness which proceeds from your achieving your values—your work, your friends, your hobbies, your enjoyment of your kids, your enjoyment of your romantic relationship, if you do it rationally. That’s what true happiness depends on.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

There is no problem with sex before marriage, provided one genuinely cares for the partner and practices safe sex. We obviously don’t condone mindless sex divorced from any valuing of the partner. Why not? Because it won’t have any personal meaning. In summary, although the sexual capacity is given to you, knowing how to enjoy it, whom to enjoy it with, and whether it should be enjoyed is not self-evident. Such sexual knowledge is not instinctual or innate, as is evident with the widespread sexual problems so many people experience. You need more information about the nature of sex and how to enjoy it. There are hundreds of books and videos showing many ways to enjoy sex. These can be helpful, but they are not the whole story, and in our view, not the most fundamental part of the story.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.