The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Here is an email that I received, a question I received from George.

Dear Dr. Kenner, my 18-year-old son, Jake, is a perfectionist, and he's miserable. He hates any criticism, even when I deliver it with tenderness. He was a great guitar player, but he would compare himself to a virtuoso, and he got so discouraged that he stopped playing altogether in school. He paralyzes in exams. He completely blanks out. I wish I could help him continue to aspire to achieve the best within himself, but I think he's destroying that best. He regularly suffers from stress headaches, and my heart aches to see my own son suffer so unjustifiably. Do you have any advice to help him be more objective about himself?

Thank you, George.

George, how any of us works with ourselves really matters. And how many of us sit down and stop to think about that? How do I talk to myself? Am I good to myself? Am I supportive? Am I a cheerleader? Do I talk like my own best friend, or do I tend to be a nag? Do I beat up on myself? Do I sound like a critical parent to myself? Oh, never good enough. Nothing's ever good enough.

So what your son needs to do is to figure out how to make the shift from beating up on himself, motivating himself by duty, by fear, by guilt, and turning it into motivation by his interest, his interest in guitar playing, his interest in courses he's taking. And that changes everything. That is a huge, major shift in any of our lives, how to be gentler on ourselves, and in the sense that you're talking about being more objective.

Now, why do we need to be more objective? Why doesn't using the whip work on any of us? Well, for one reason, there is a learning curve. If I'm learning how to play guitar, which I tried doing when I was in my teens, if I said to myself, “Ellen, you're not good enough. You're just learning the C chord or the F chord, and your fingers are fumbling, and other people can play that C and F chord so much better than you. And not only that, they can play everything much better. They can even read music,” I'm not going to enjoy that process.

If I say to myself, “You know, today, I'd be very happy if I learned just one chord. I think I am going to learn the C chord and learn how to play that nicely and maybe play around with the F chord, and I am going to celebrate my progress,” that is rational. That is understanding that there is a learning curve with any value we undertake, and we can't demand the impossible of ourselves, that we know it immediately, and we can't focus on what other people know or don't know as a means to push ourselves in a mean way.

We can focus on them as sources of aspiration. Or you want to emulate someone who's good—someday, I may get to be that great virtuoso guitar player. Right now I'm learning how to play the C chord.

So enjoying your life, instead of being miserable like your son is, is about pursuing your goals, your values, your dreams, whether it's in your career, in hobbies that you like, or leisure activities, in forming warm friendships and in finding a romantic partner.

And so, summing this up, there are two basic ways that we can motivate ourselves.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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There are two basic ways that we can motivate ourselves. One is by focusing on the joy, the anticipation, the excitement of learning something new, of growing our minds, of enjoying the process of meeting new people. And if Jake were doing this, if your 18-year-old son were doing this, he'd be a happy kid.

If instead he turns it into a four-letter word, a duty, if he tries to motivate himself by the second method—by duty, fear, or guilt—“I should do this. I have to do this. I must do this. I've got to do this. I need to do this.” Instead of “I want to do this,” then he is always going to feel not good enough. “I'm not good enough.”

And the alternative is for him to stop and celebrate any progress he makes towards a larger goal. “Oh my gosh, I learned both the C chord and the F chord today! Cool! I'm moving on to a new chord on the guitar.”

So your son, he needs to learn how to preserve his values and never let them morph into a duty. And that's hard for any of us to do. So let me give the example with his tests. If he's saying, “I have to ace this. I have to do good in school because my whole future rests on this. I have to get into a good college. I don't know what I want to do for my future. Where am I going in life? I don't know,” that's going to paralyze his mind.

If he says, “You know, I've studied for this exam, and it's an interesting topic, and let's see how I do on it, and if I get any wrong, I'll figure out. I'll learn the answers from my errors and use it as an opportunity to grow,” he can learn from his mistakes too. That's called, in one set of psychologists, taking a learning stance towards any slip-ups that you have, rather than looking at it as failures.

And so he needs to be able to be much gentler to himself, to be his own best friend. That's a cognitive therapy technique. So you asked, “What can you do?”

Well, if he's open to reading, he could read The Fountainhead because there is a hero in that, Howard Roark, who seems to fail many, many times, and yet you can't knock Howard Roark down. He's so admirable.

And so he could use that psychological fuel that we get from a hero. If he wants to read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, he can also learn to celebrate any progress going forward, and turn any “shoulds,” any duties, into wants. “I want to play the guitar” rather than “I should” or “I have to.”

When he gets a headache, he can use that as a warning sign that he's in duty mode. “I have to,” and maybe learn some relaxation skills, or take some cognitive therapy, learn how to talk better to himself.

There's a wonderful book at my website, DrKenner.com, Mind Over Mood, and he also can gain some insight into how he developed this duty approach to life. Was it competition with other kids at school? Or maybe competition with a sibling? Or mirroring what parents do to themselves? Or trying to please you or maybe his mom?

So as a parent, you want to learn how to give genuine, specific praise, and that's a skill. You can read the book How to Talk So Teens Will Listen for that. You want to focus on strengths first.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Alan Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

Fitness, which is obviously good for your health, affects appearance. Being fit makes you look and feel better, whether you do it by means of sports, going to the gym, dieting, or some other activity you may enjoy. Engaging in fitness activities with your partner, though this isn't always feasible, and when you feel better about yourself, you wear more attractive clothes, you look more confident and pleasant. Your partner may find you increasingly sexy, and you may feel less self-conscious when it comes to romantic intimacy.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.