The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com. Can I get a double pizza burger, chili fries with cheese, and a large chocolate milkshake? I don't know. No matter what I eat, my weight just seems to stay the same. So, figure what the hell I'm gonna eat, what I want.

And that's from Shallow Hal. Do you set goals to perhaps lose weight? And then you feel like you're floundering, you're not making any progress, so you throw in the towel, and you say, what the hell, you give up on setting goals to improve yourself? Well, I started learning Italian, and I was making amazing progress. And what did I do? I let the goals slip, and now I've forgotten much of what I've learned, whereas, if I had studied even 10 minutes a day, I'd have a good deal of Italian on the tip of my tongue, so I'd be speaking to you in Italian.

Now, goal setting isn't easy, whether it's to set goals to exercise or diet, or maybe connect with friends, or find a romantic partner, or perhaps you want to go back to school or find a new job. We often let ourselves down. Why? Joining me to discuss goal setting is Jean Maroney, and she's the president of Thinking Directions. Jean teaches professionals how to use great thinking skills to solve problems faster, to make decisions, and to get problems finished. And welcome, Jean.

Thanks, Ellen. Thanks for having me.

And so, Jean, what is it about goals? Why do we often set goals and then we just let them die an early death?

Well, I think that maybe the definition of setting a goal is a little too narrow. If people think of it as, well, they just for a moment have an intention of, "Oh, that would be nice," but there's a lot more that goes into actually setting a goal. I think that maybe we need to make that be a bigger process that includes planning, troubleshooting, and committing to the goal. And you haven't set the goal unless you've done all of that.

So, with my Italian, I went out and I got CDs, and I was listening to them in the car daily, and I enjoyed it. It just was flowing very nicely. And then I started listening to talk radio, and then to music, and then to courses. And what happened to Italian? It disappeared. It disappeared.

So, what types of thinking would be involved? You said planning. What do I need to do to plan?

Well, you obviously did some planning because you bought the tapes or the CDs and listened to them. So, in fact, you had done a big part of the goal-setting part because you'd actually moved into action, right? I suspect you probably fell down somewhere on either the troubleshooting or the commitment side. So let's take those one at a time.

So troubleshooting, why is it? What got in the way of continuing with the Italian? Something got in the way.

I came back from Italy and I didn't use it as much anymore. That was one big thing. But my daughter-in-law is Italian, so I would love to learn it, but it just took a back seat to other things.

Okay, so what I'm hearing is that, in fact, you had a big commitment to it before your trip, right? But then after your trip, your commitment level went down, went way down, and you didn't take that as an issue. Well, let me think about how to recommit. And what I'm hearing also is that now, looking back in hindsight, you wish you had recommitted.

I wish I had. I wish I had, and scaled back. I wish I had just done it. The 10 minutes a day, the tapes I have are like "Italian in 10 Minutes a Day" or something like that, so it wouldn't have been difficult, and I can still do it.

So talking about it now is helpful too, yes.

Well, that's the great thing about this. As soon as you realize there's a problem, you can do the troubleshooting right, do the new planning that you need to do, and do the recommitment. And it's clear that what you need now is you need a commitment to continue with the Italian. And this is a question for you: Is it worth taking 10 minutes out of your day from something else to continue back with the Italian? And if it's worth that, well, then you plan when you're going to do that, and also think about what is going to get in the way of your doing that. What other problems are going to get in the way of that? And if you can figure out what the problems are going to be, you can plan in advance to avoid them.

Okay, so if I typically went to the gym and I'm on the treadmill and I use that 10 minutes or something to listen to Italian, that might be a good plan, assuming that I continue doing that.

So what happens if there are bigger goals? I mean, Italian is something that is an optional goal for me, but what about bigger goals, someone wanting to find a romantic partner, or you can pick a goal, you know, going back to work or changing careers? What types of thinking are involved in those larger goals, and what happens if a person's not making progress?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

What about what types of thinking are involved in those larger goals, and what happens if a person's not making progress?

Well, a couple of things. The first is the difference between the things you're talking about, like changing a career or finding a romantic partner, is it's not as clear-cut how to achieve those goals. With Italian, it's easy because there are people who are in the business of giving you step-by-step instructions. Very good. Yes, right? If you just listen to these tapes, you will learn Italian, right?

Whereas, in the case of finding a new career or finding a romantic partner, you can get advice from people, but ultimately, that is a creative problem-solving process that you need to do for yourself, right?

So you can't do it in 10 minutes a day.

I mean, we talked about this at other times. I'm actually a big believer in these, on what seem like intractable problems that you don't know the answer to, right? I'm a big believer in putting 15 minutes of thinking on paper on them a day, which over a period of time, really starts you thinking about what are the issues, what are the problems, and it gets you percolating on these issues and seeing opportunities, which, you know, 15 minutes doesn't do anything, but 15 minutes every morning for three months? Huge difference.

Right? I remember a while back, I've taken many of your classes. I love your classes. People, you can go to thinkingdirections.com for Jean's classes, and we'll say that again later. But I remember you said, spend 15 minutes in one of your exercises or something along those lines, just writing about a goal you have. And I said, well, I want to clean up a room that I have that's a loft that's very messy. It's got all my kids' stuff from growing up, and you said, well, spend time thinking about it. It's like, well, I don't want to spend time thinking about it on paper. You're crazy, Jean. I just want to do it, you know.

And instead, I took the time to do the exercise and think on paper. And man, I had already primed my subconscious. I went up and started cleaning the room, and guess what? When I ended, the thing was perfectly clean. And I want to give you a hug. It's like, this is amazingly good.

So what other tips can you give? What if you do have a goal, say, going back to the gym? I'll shift goals here, and you let it lapse. How do you get back on track with yourself? I guess that you did that with Italian, but we can, you can talk a little bit more about that, right?

Well, I think there are two things. One is, and I'm telling you, part of this is coming from a book that you recommended, which is "Changing for Good" by Prochaska and his associate, right? If you need to, when you have a slip-up like that, you need to be, first of all, benevolent towards yourself. This doesn't mean that you're giving up on the goal. It just means that there is a particular obstacle to achieving that goal that you hadn't figured out how to get around in advance.

And I think it's very important when you're trying to improve yourself, it's very important to hold that context of, I'm doing a good job. I'm a good person for trying this, and if I slip up, well, I'm going to look at, I'm going to discover some new thing that's getting in the way, and, oh, I get to problem-solve that. If you can keep that benevolent attitude toward yourself and toward the things that get in the way, you can avoid the demotivation trap, which is the guilt trap of, oh, I'm no good because I screwed up. And that's very important motivation, very important in getting back on that horse.

And I love the word obstacles because I think of an obstacle course. Can you give your website and contact information? And I highly recommend going to Jean's website.

Thanks, Ellen. My website is thinkingdirections.com, and you can email me if you have questions at jm@thinkingdirections.com and sign up for my free newsletter there. Thanks so much for joining us today, Jean.

Thanks, Ellen. Thanks for having me. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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For example, change "You make me angry" to "I feel angry." You can change "You never listen" to "I feel ignored." You can change "You drive me crazy" to "I am so frustrated." In each case, the sentences with "you" language make you and your partner feel attacked. The sentences with "I" language make you both more likely to listen and talk with one another.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.