The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com and @amazon.com right now. I have a question from Jeff. Hi, Dr. Kenner. I know being about 40 pounds overweight is against my best interest, and yet I cannot lose weight. I am not able to run because of foot and lung problems, and I won't stop drinking two glasses of wine with dinner each night because it's so yummy. But I really do consider it immoral, yet I don't feel guilty. Can you explain this behavior?

Jeff? Jeff, you know, whenever I have a contradiction like that inside of myself, it's like, well, I know I should lose weight, or I know I should exercise more, but darn it, I don't feel guilty, or I know I shouldn't eat this Java chip ice cream, but darn it, it's so good, and I don't feel guilty. I want to know what's going on inside of me. And if I say, you know, I know this is immoral, Ellen, it's not helpful. It doesn't motivate me to take the steps to make the changes, to make the lifestyle changes and to adopt something really wonderful, which is an I can do it spirit.

So as I'm listening to, as I'm reading your email, I'm noticing that part of you concludes it's impossible for you to lose weight because of your foot and lung problems and your love of yummy wine. Another part of you wants to lose weight and to be more fit and to feel the pride that comes with working toward and achieving that goal, Jeff, because otherwise you wouldn't have emailed me. So I want to address your question specifically; if you feel no guilt about acting in ways that don't promote your longer-range health and happiness, then it's up to you if you want to take the next step. The next step would be to introspect more, to uncover the thoughts behind your contradiction.

The contradiction is I'm sabotaging my own self-interest in my longer-range happiness, and heck, I don't feel guilty. And the first stage of change is not changing your diet or anything. It's raising your awareness, asking yourself, Am I willing to do some deeper thinking about this? That is the first stage of change. It's a heightened awareness of what the issues are underlying what you're observing and what you're feeling.

And here are some possibilities for not feeling guilty.

Number one, hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick Avenue, and then Alan will be back. Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free @selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish path to romance, that is interesting.

Here are some possibilities for not feeling guilty. Number one, maybe you haven't named all the delicious—excuse me, delicious—I'm saying delicious when this is an eating issue, naming the benefits of losing the weight, really getting in touch with the most profound, the deepest values of why you want to lose weight, not why other people in your life want you to lose weight, but why you want to lose weight. What would it give you if you saw yourself four months from now and you were at a better weight, with better eating habits, and maybe a toddler swine? What would that give to you? And also getting some exercise in there. What do you like about that? Would you like looking in the mirror better? Would you be able to breathe easier when you walked upstairs? Would your muscles feel stronger? Would you be a better role model for your family, for your kids? You want to name the important benefits to you.

And one of my favorite researchers in this area is Dr. Judy Beck, and she talks about writing out on little index cards—she calls them benefit cards—all the benefits to you, and carrying them around with you so you don't just see the alleged short-range benefits. You know, the wine tastes yummy, or, you know, I'm protecting my lungs and my feet from further damage by avoiding running.

Another point that you want to be aware of is we all do this. We have something called permission-giving beliefs. If you listen to the words even in your email, I cannot lose weight. Well, if you've concluded that, your subconscious will say, Well, there you go. You can't lose weight; don't even try. I won't stop drinking yummy wine. I can't exercise. So your subconscious takes you seriously. These are called rationalizations or permission-giving beliefs. They give you permission to continue acting in the self-destructive ways that you are. And so I used to say, I'm not an exercise person. That was a permission-giving belief. When I decided to abandon that, I became—I started exercising, and it's wonderful.

You also—a third point is, if you try to motivate yourself by duty, you have to—I've got to change. I have to do this. I must. You will find yourself rebelling. You want to focus on those benefits that I mentioned. And in terms of exercising, if you have limitations, I would speak to your doctor about what exercises can you do. For example, if you're a COPD patient, you have a pulmonary problem, you could use pursed lip breathing, diaphragmatic breathing, and even coughing exercises that could help. So I would speak with your doctor and see what could help you, assuming that you can tap into that wonderful motivation.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I've been teaching for 22 years, and each year, these kids get more and more arrogant. Come on, Vern, the kids haven't changed. You have. Come on. Listen. Vern, if you were 16, what would you think of you?

And that's a good question for any of us. If we look back to when we were 16, assuming you're not 16 or in that range right now, what would you think of you from a kid's perspective, looking up at an adult? Now, it's true that if you're teaching for 22 years, it's possible that you have seen a deterioration in the culture that you're seeing over time—kids not being respectful, they're on their cell phones, they're chatting with each other. In the old days, we used to pass notes to one another. But it could be that the disrespect is there, that they don't value the education.

Another possibility is that you've grown bored, that you've burnt out, and so you're more irritated. You're not as patient, and you're not as good at motivating them as you once might have been if you've been teaching for 22 years. Some teachers season with age. I listened to someone yesterday. I was talking with him, and he's a dance instructor, and he's been doing this for probably at least 22 years, and he said he's passionate. He's passionate every time he meets a new beginner dancer who wants to learn how to dance. He can't wait to invite them into the world of dance and to show them what they can experience, the fun they can experience with it.

So sometimes it's a teacher who's arrogant, and sometimes it's a student who's arrogant. And if I look back in my past, if I look at my grade school teachers, my middle school teachers, my high school teachers, and even my college professors, there are some teachers or professors who inspired excellence. They inspired me to do the best that I could, and they fascinated me in the subject. I became interested in biology because of that, and I had a French teacher who just intrigued me, and I loved the French language and went on to work in Switzerland for a while as an exchange. It was a summer job working with a family as an exchange situation, a science teacher. I had that I thought was phenomenal, and then I had other teachers who bored the heck out of me, and I'm sure you have too.

I also had a wonderful math teacher, but she was meek. She was so insecure, even though she was so knowledgeable; she didn't have people skills, and so the kids who were not doing well in class would mock her, would make fun of her, and my heart really went out to her, because she was not arrogant. She was anything but, but the kids were very disrespectful, and I think she just needed more experience or better skills.

When you're evaluating someone, you want to ask, what part do I bring into this evaluation? For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner. When it comes to experimenting with intimacy, you should not pressure your partner to sacrifice on your behalf. However, if one partner is saying no to almost everything new, there are two key questions. One, would this partner be willing to suggest creative variations and intimacy that are potentially enjoyable? Two, are the frequent no's a consequence of relationship issues that need to be brought out into the open?

We are not condoning prudishness or excessive modesty, which can seriously undermine intimate pleasure. The more inhibited partner would benefit from understanding any anxiety and fears related to intimacy and can learn more about the tenderness, joy, and closeness achieved by having a good intimate relationship. The less inhibited partner needs to be supportive and encouraging.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.