The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Beverly: To know because I hired a detective, yeah, I thought you were having an affair. It's ridiculous, I know. Okay, look, you could have told me about it, though, couldn't you? You just completely left me out. Why didn’t you tell me, John? You’ve got to answer that.

John: I was ashamed.

Beverly: Ashamed of what?

John: Of dancing.

Beverly: No, no, none of what?

John: Trying to be happier when we have so much.

Beverly: And is that going on in your life?

(From the movie Shall We Dance?)

You do have a lot in your life, and yet you want something that you're afraid to share with a partner. You want to value yourself more. I know with myself, one small thing that I had wanted, but I felt embarrassed to do, was to get a massage. With me today to discuss lovely massages is a lovely woman, Gretchen Blaker Mason, who is a member of the Center for Sexual Health team at Psychological Centers. She's a licensed mental health counselor specializing in sexual and relational health, and she has been a licensed massage therapist for 15 years. Gretchen has gone to spas around the world and also teaches human sexuality at the University of Rhode Island.

Welcome, Gretchen.

Gretchen: Thank you, Alan.

Alan: So what got you interested in becoming a massage therapist?

Gretchen: Well, initially, I was really interested in the mind-body connection and healing from past trauma and abuse. I started to think about this during an internship before my freshman year of undergraduate school. The internship was at a battered women’s shelter, and I noticed patterns that persisted in these women's lives. It seemed like there was an element of healing and change that was missing, specifically the connection and integration of the body in the healing process. So when I studied psychology my first year of college, it seemed like, again, the body was missing. I took a leave of absence, went to Seattle Massage School for a year, and then continued my degree.

Alan: Fascinating. What a specialty.

So really, you’re helping those women who've been abused or have been through trauma to reclaim their bodies, to own their bodies, to not feel like they’re dirty or used or old baggage, but to own themselves. That’s not just true for people who have been abused, but for all of us. So many of us think that the body is dirty, or that sex is dirty, or that it’s something shameful. We’ve been taught that in religion a lot. What would you say are the wonderful psychological benefits of getting a regular massage?

Gretchen: Well, taking time for self-care, like a massage, can be a great time to really tune into the mind and body without other distractions. When you’re on a table for, say, 60 minutes, 75 minutes, or an hour and a half, there’s really an opportunity to assess what’s happening. People are very busy, and so much time can go by without really being aware of how stress is manifesting, creating tightness, or decreasing blood flow. It’s about self-awareness and understanding and an opportunity to do something good for oneself.

Alan: And that’s what people deprive themselves of so often, like in Shall We Dance?, giving yourself that ability to dance or to nurture yourself. Going out and having a very relaxing massage, where you let your mind relax, you listen to nice music, you smell pleasant aromas, and think about positive things rather than all the stressful things that are tensing every muscle in your body and restricting blood flow. What are some of the psychological barriers that would keep anyone from seeking out a massage? What goes through their minds?

[Interruption for advertisement]

Alan: What are some of the psychological barriers that would keep anyone from seeking out a massage? What goes through their minds?

Gretchen: Well, maybe there are some beliefs that they’re not worthy or that they shouldn’t spend that kind of time or money on themselves. They might be busy taking care of other people and feel guilty about taking care of themselves or not wanting to seem self-indulgent. Or maybe they feel like they don’t have time. People try to fit so much into their days that it doesn’t seem like there’s enough time. Even if there is time, they may feel guilty. I’ve had clients who hold onto gift certificates until they almost expire because they want to save it until they really need it, or they feel they might not “deserve” it if they’re not in pain. But really, there’s a lot of stress and tightness that can build in the body before you actually feel pain.

Alan: So some of the psychological barriers are not feeling worthy of giving yourself a gift. You feel you’re only good if you make chicken soup for others, but not for yourself. You can massage others, like your husband or a friend with a sore neck, but receiving one feels too self-indulgent. People run away from themselves. A rational person values themselves. That’s why I titled my book The Selfish Path to Romance, because the focus is on valuing yourself, not at others' expense but certainly not sacrificing yourself either. Those are some of the barriers. What would keep a person from enjoying a massage once they’re on the table?

Gretchen: Learning to let go. Sometimes people are still thinking about something that happened earlier or something they need to do later. Staying in that distracted state can interfere. And, of course, safety is the number one priority. If something is uncomfortable and the therapist isn’t checking in, or the client isn’t communicating, that can hinder relaxation. Maybe they’ve had a prior uncomfortable experience with a massage that was too deep, so they’re tensing up in fear that it’ll happen again. But a good, attuned therapist will sense any tissue resistance and check in with the person.

Alan: They need to have the courage to speak up. I know my husband didn’t like the music during his massages. He described it as “a car crash” or some new-age thing that didn’t relax him, so he brought his own music. He had a good relationship with his therapist, so he could express his preferences. The idea of being playful and giving yourself a voice in the massage—saying, “This hurts, could you go deeper here?”—is like the communication you’d need in a relationship too. You’re making me want to go out and get a massage now, or even from my husband.

Listen, thank you so much for joining us. How can people get in touch with you if they’re in Rhode Island and want a massage?

Gretchen: Sure, my website is healthasamtherapy.com. That’s spelled H-A-L-S-O-S-A-M-therapy.com. Hälsosam is Swedish for “healthy living.”

Alan: Wonderful. Thank you for sharing a bit of your healthy living with us, Gretchen Blaker Mason.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologists Dr. Kenner and Locke.

Darcy and Mark met at work, dated for a few months, and moved in together. However, differences in interests and tastes became a sore spot in their relationship. Darcy loved dancing, while Mark feared looking foolish on the dance floor. He recoiled when Darcy suggested dance lessons. Mark, being a sports enthusiast, started golfing in the spring, which made Darcy feel distant from him. When he pressured her to join, she refused, and both felt abandoned. Due to growing resentment, even small differences flared into major arguments. Although they both had lovable qualities, these differences in interests brought out the worst in them.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can purchase the book on Amazon.com.