The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com. Yeah.

The owner, Robert, is Roger Enright, one of those self-made men, stubborn and rich as blazers. It's always safe to denounce the rich. Everyone will help you. The rich first, yeah,

and that's from The Fountainhead. The rich will denounce themselves first. Why would the rich denounce themselves if they worked so hard? Why would they put themselves down when they finally reached financial success? Why are people so confused about the relationship between money and happiness? And with me to discuss this topic today is Dr. Tara Smith. She's a professor of philosophy at the University of Texas at Austin, and Dr. Smith is the author of several books on ethics and a pamphlet, Money Can Buy Happiness, and that's a wonderful pamphlet, a real eye-opener. It doesn't ensure happiness, but it's a wonderful eye-opener, and that's available at Amazon.com

or at my website, DrKenner.com.

And our topic today is about money and happiness. Can money buy happiness? And welcome, Tara.

Great to be here to talk about these subjects. Okay?

And it's a very confusing one, because most people think about the new house they'd like to buy, or someday dream about a vacation they'd like to take. Or even on a smaller scale, they want to build a garden, make a beautiful garden for themselves. And they have a long wish list of things they could do if they had more money. But then they're plagued by clouds of guilt, as I know you've said. Why? Why are they plagued by guilt?

Well, because they accept, I mean, they accept contradictory ideas. It seems perfectly natural and sensible and reasonable, as you indicate, to want to make your life better, be it in small ways or big ways, right? As you say, everybody's got a wish list or, you know, boy, if I had more money, I would spend it on sprucing up the garden or taking that vacation or all sorts of things, right? That's what we want for the people we love as well as ourselves, right? Right, right? But at the same time, most people in our society today accept a moral philosophy that says, "Oh no, that would be selfish, and you need to put other people first." And

we hear that all the time. We hear that we're a consumer society, and that's not said with a sense of pride. It's said with a sense of contempt. We're too materialistic and that we should be after more worthy pursuits. And what is that typical view?

Well, first, let me just underscore what you're saying. It is absolutely pervasive, this idea you don't see arguments for the idea that you should sacrifice yourself because it's taken as self-evident; just treat it as a given. Every springtime commencement address at universities around the country, what do they typically call upon the graduates to do? To sacrifice! Now it's your chance to give something back. Now it's your chance to serve something larger than yourself and so on. So there's this real, palpable, just taken-for-granted moral belief. We see it in Christianity. We see it now as a truism of all sorts of religious stripes and non-religious stripes, that others are more important than yourself, and that that's a recipe for unhappiness to the extent that a person believes that. He's undercutting not only what he might do with his money but what he does with his days, what he does with his time. And you know, he'll be completely, as you say, racked by not just clouds of guilt, but a whole storm.

Right? When you say the word "altruism," you know, most people think of that as being benevolent and kind. And you know, your neighbor gets sick, and you bring some chicken soup over. And yes, you're doing for your neighbor, but it gives you a sense of reward, too. And you hold doors open for little old ladies, and you help out a kid who can't go to college. You give them a little bit of extra money, and they look at that as selfless—that that's what the giving person should do—and that's what we want to bring our kids up to be: altruistic, selfless. And you're not using it in that context, are you?

No, I'm not using it that way. I'm glad you raised that because I think there's a widespread confusion about that, that is people kind of mash together a few really different ideas, different practices. When I criticize altruism, I'm criticizing the idea that you have a duty to put other people first. You must morally sacrifice yourself and things that mean a great deal to you for the sake of other people, even when those particular other people really don't mean all that much to you. Now, that self-sacrifice is what I'm talking about when I talk about altruism, but we shouldn't confuse—and I think you're quite right that people frequently, even innocently, sometimes confuse self-sacrifice with benevolent wishing other people well and kindness and sometimes giving to them and helping them. That is, I don't mean simply benevolence as, "Oh, yeah, in my head, I'd like it for everybody to be happy." There's nothing wrong, I think, with helping people, sometimes doing something, putting your money where your mouth is or your goodwill is, if and when the person you're helping is somebody who you value, and you value helping that person in that situation more than you value the particular effort or money or whatever it might be that you're giving them. So it brings you really to a sacrifice or not. But I'm all for benevolence. I'm all for kindness and sensitivity to other people's circumstances. What I am adamantly opposed to, and what's antithetical to the pursuit of happiness and the achievement of your happiness is your putting other people's happiness first. Okay?

So if you work really, really hard and a neighbor has a kid who just could use a little extra help, and you adore this child to pieces, you adore the neighbors, and you want to help them out, and you take some of your money and give it to them to help the kid maybe get an operation or maybe go to a school of their choice, that is not what you're considering a sacrifice. You're considering it a sacrifice if the neighbor stole from you or did something terrible to you, and then you feel that, like you have to be humble and have pity on the kid, or demanded that he has a right to it because he's needy, right? And you happen to have money, right? And that gets into—and moreover, I mean the situation you describe does sound like it would not be a sacrifice by really, as you say, I like this kid a lot. He is a great kid. I think he's a promising person, you know, right? Enjoy his company. I hope he can do well. I realize that I'm in a position to help him out a little bit here, and if I can do that without sacrificing anything that I value more, like maybe my own children or myself. So there's something I've been saving up for that's incompatible with that book. But when I think this is more the situation you had in mind, when it would not be a loss, but actually again, for me, for things I care about, including the person, right, the neighbor, whatever the material way—that's wonderful.

So

So altruism is self-sacrifice. It will not bring you happiness. And if you earn your own money, you have a right to keep it and to spend it on your top values, which may include other people or may not include other people. And it's been my pleasure today to talk about your right to be happy, your right to earn money honestly and then to spend it on your top values. And I want to mention that if you want any information on Dr. Tara Smith, you can get it. She's written several books and a wonderful pamphlet. Money Can Buy Happiness. You can go to Amazon.com, and of course, you can go to my website, DrKenner.com. Thank you so much for joining us today, Dr.

Tara Smith.

Very much for having me.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke. Understanding where emotions come from will make you a better romantic partner. Anger is your response to a perceived injustice or the violation of some important moral standard by another. You can also be angry at yourself for the same reasons. Guilt stems from believing that you acted against your own moral standards or values. Hatred, a feeling of extreme animosity or hostility toward another person, stems from evaluating that person in some way as bad or evil or as a profound threat to one's illusion of self-esteem. Hatred of others can also be a displacement of hatred toward yourself. Here you urgently need counseling.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.