The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Here's a question I received from Rahul.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I am a fresh college graduate and recently started working in a multinational company. My question is, why do I get frustrated from working in the same company and living the same boring life every day? I don't know what my passion is, so I have no other choice but to stay in the job. It creates a lot of mental pressure, leading to harmful thoughts in my mind like self-harming or quitting life. Please give some tips on how to overcome these feelings and how to fight back in such situations.

So first, Rahul, you want to get therapy ASAP, because you certainly don't want to be harming yourself or quitting life. And I highly recommend a book, Choosing to Live by Dr. Thomas Ellis and Dr. Cory Newman. They're both cognitive therapists. You could probably get it online, and it is very, very helpful. It’s a wonderful book to help see that self-harming doesn't solve anything.

So, given that, you really want to challenge the idea that you have no other choice. You are not helpless. All of us, including myself, my husband, and my kids, we've all had periods in our lives where we’ve felt lost. We don't know what direction we're going in, and that’s the same for everyone. And we can get trapped in jobs that we don't like. I know I did that. I chose multiple jobs during my schooling and afterward that weren’t a match for me, and I could have trapped myself in them. Then, I would have been in the same situation you're describing—not living my values, not enjoying what I do every day.

For example, I tried accounting. I helped my husband with some secretarial office work. At first, it was exciting, but it quickly became boring. I worked in an infant lab, running studies on how infants could discriminate colors, sounds, or shapes. That was very interesting for three years, but then it became very boring. So, you don't want to trap yourself in a job. You want the attitude that you can grow. Now, that required me doing a lot of thinking, and during that transition period, you don’t always know what you want.

There’s a helpful book, I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was by Barbara Sher. She has a lot of exercises in it to help you find what you’re interested in and shift direction. There are also career books. What Color Is Your Parachute? is one that I remember looking at long ago. If you don't understand your own moods, you need to be able to read your own emotions. So, if you’re staying in the same boring job and you don't know what your passion is, you want to develop the skill of introspection—finding little nuggets, little gems of things you’ve been interested in.

Ask yourself, “What do I like? What career would I enjoy? What skills do I have that are transferable to a better job?” If you don't like this multinational company, you don't have to leave right away. But as long as you know that you have an "out," and the out isn’t hurting yourself but is a different job or path, then your mind will start to look for possibilities. You'll start to connect or network with other people in careers you might enjoy. That takes effort—it’s the whole job search: “What do I want to do with my life?” And you want to embrace that, rather than see it as impossible.

I’m glad I found my interest. I’m glad I took the risks to go back to graduate school after being out of college for many years, and I love the career path I chose. Had I stayed on one of my other paths, I would not have been happy. It would have been a mistake in my life. I hope you don't make that same mistake, that you've caught this soon enough, and you can turn things around for yourself.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and my show is The Rational Basis of Happiness.

I have a quick question here: "Dear Dr. Kenner, are there any books on how to learn active listening that you recommend?" Well, the first question is, what is active listening? It's not putting in your own two cents every two seconds when your kids, husband, wife, or friend is talking to you. It’s you monitoring what they’re saying, looking at them so your body language is open to hearing what they’re saying—not planning your grocery list or tuning them out, but listening. Letting them know that you’re listening sometimes just involves saying, “Mm-hmm, yeah, got it. Then what happened?” It’s like you’re tracking their story, letting them know you’re hearing them.

If you want to learn listening skills, there’s a good book, Getting Through to People by Jesse Nierenberg. It’s an older book but teaches techniques of persuasion and how to break through mental and emotional barriers. Another excellent book is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. This applies to anyone—how to talk so my husband will listen, and listen so my husband will talk.

Finally, the book I co-wrote with Dr. Ed Locke, The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason, includes a section on making yourself lovable, learning how to communicate, communicating constantly in romantic relationships, and resolving conflicts. I highly recommend it. You can get it on Amazon, and the first chapter is free.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

This last week with Dad has been a living hell. When I'm there, I feel like my territory is being violated. When I'm not, I’m worried about what he’s up to. Look at me. I'm a nervous wreck.

You don’t still have the brochures from those rest homes, do you?

Do you really think that's necessary?

I'm afraid I do. I don't have my life anymore.

You don’t suppose there’s a chance that you and Maris could—

Dear God, no.

(From Frasier)

That line, "I don't have my life anymore"—think of it. It’s not just about an elderly parent moving in. Maybe your kids move back in after college or a career, or after a divorce. You get that feeling, "I don't have my life anymore." You don’t feel like you own your home, your time. You’re worried, as Frasier was with Niles, about privacy and boundaries. There are many challenges when someone moves in with you, even if it's a distant relative.

How do you keep your boundaries? Are you good at saying "no" in a tactful way? Not just, “No, get out of my hair,” but a respectful “no.” Are you comfortable with that? You really need to negotiate if someone’s moving back in, especially if you’re in a couple and allowing an elderly parent to move in. You need a lot of conversations about what could come up. You can’t anticipate everything, but you need to figure out ways that work for everyone—and have an "out" if it doesn’t work. If your parent needs to go to a nursing home or assisted living, that might be the solution.