The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

David, you're having some stress at work.

Yeah. Well, no, it wasn't at work. It was because of not being at work.

Okay, tell me about that.

Well, it was just I've been out of work for a while. I quit a perfectly good job, okay, so many months ago, and I don't really even know why. I mean, I was unhappy, and I, once I quit, I went into a downward spiral. Yeah, basically, I just was way out of my comfort zone.

Okay, a lot of anxiety.

Just I haven't had one good day, okay, and that's for months.

So this has been going on for quite a while.

Yeah, it's actually been two years.

Oh, two years.

Yeah.

Okay, so here's if I were in that situation, David, the first thing I would be aware of is that I am a mystery to myself because if I don't know why I quit suddenly, then it's an unsolved mystery in my life, and I don't ever want to be a mystery to myself. The one person I want to know is me, and so my guess is that you do know surface reasons, and you're aware on some level of some deeper reasons. Could you share with me, if you're willing, some ideas of why you might have suddenly left, you know, leading up to it?

Dr. Kenner, it was, you know, I'd wander around my workplace. I worked for a large hospital in Vermont here, and just doing the same thing every day. At the time, it seemed like I was doing the same thing every day, and I was getting an hourly wage. And I thought at my age, 40s and 50s, when I quit, I should be making more. I should be more, just making a lot more money, just giving into society's, you know, idea of what success is. Yeah, I've learned a lot since then. I wish I would have known then what I know now, but...

Which is what? What have you learned?

Well, I've learned that a lot of people struggle. It's not about what you make per hour or if you make a salary or if you wear a suit and tie to work or, you know, you're a blue-collar guy. It's about how you treat other people, including family. I mean, since that happened, everything's gone downhill. My family sort of, not totally, but they’re sort of getting tired of me. Even though I help out my elderly parents every day, I do stuff. They're not lazy or anything like that. It's not out of laziness that I quit. It’s sort of a long story, and then my kind of falling out with my children. I have a son and a daughter.

How old?

28 and 20, going to be 26.

Are they both working?

Yeah, they both work. Last I knew, because I haven't talked to my son in four years, basically.

Okay.

And actually, I talked to him briefly one time. I called him at work, but he didn’t call back. And then my daughter, I haven’t spoken to in several months. When I was drinking, I called her and said, you know, don't ever call me again. You can turn your backs on me.

Is alcohol a problem?

Yeah.

Okay, so let me sum up what I'm hearing so far, and that’s that I think that you're identifying something really important, and that's that...

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

I think that you're identifying something really important, and that's that without having a compass, a purpose in life, something that's yours, a career or a job that you can find some pleasure in, you're drifting. You’re at sea, and who beats up on themselves more than a person at sea? And then, how do they medicate themselves? How do they cope? Well, drinking helps, doesn't it? And then it refuels the whole cycle; you're drinking, so you feel even worse about yourself. You cut off important relationships. Then you try to do something for your parents, to give yourself some semblance of purpose. But really, no matter what age you are, I hope you will erase the idea that you're over the hill, and it’s too late, because it's not too late.

You’re still young, and you can be a prime example to yourself. Forget about everybody else. Turning your life around, not for your daughter, not for your son, not for your mother, not for your father, not for your past work as guests... for whom? Yeah, for you, for you, really, genuinely embracing yourself. Get rid of all of the attacks on yourself. You know, you attacked yourself. You beat up on yourself. You said, "I’m in my 40s or 50s, and I’m a failure." You didn’t say, "I’m a failure," but that’s the essence of it. "I should be XYZ, I should be this, I should be that." But you didn’t have a plan to get out of that, and you gave up. You just made a decision. And it’s the decision-making method that you want to cherish. So this time, you could have a very different method.

Now, where to go from here? So number one, you want a purpose. You want a career or a job that's got something in it for you, even if it's a temporary job, even if you know it's a jump-starting job, even if it's sweeping floors someplace. At least it’s a start, and you can move up. And then you want to plan to be able to move up. And all the while, you have to get rid of the beating up on yourself. And you need to do one more thing. What else needs to kind of go out of your life—not your kids, but what else?

Well, the drinking, the drinking.

So there is a book I'm going to recommend, two books, actually. One is Sober for Good. It’s an excellent book. The author is Ann Fletcher. I think it's on my website, DrKenner.com, and she talks to people who have been able to quit on their own, and she lets them tell their story. So it’s a very interesting read. And the other book is, I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was. I’m pretty sure that’s the title. It’s by Barbara Sher, S-H-E-R. It’s about trying to find that purpose that’s yours.

And even after we get off the phone, write on a note card or something you can see or carry with you that says, "I refuse to beat up on myself anymore. I'm moving forward." Be your own best friend. That’s a cognitive therapy technique. If you would beat up on your best friend, then go ahead, beat up on yourself. But my guess is you would not beat up on a very close dear friend who was in the same position as you. So be loyal to yourself. It starts at home.

Can I just say one more thing?

Okay, we only have 30 seconds. Go ahead.

I was just gonna say I just had a lot of guilt, because I spent a lot of time with my son as they were growing up, and not my daughter. I sort of put her by the wayside, and it feels like I beat up on myself. I know I did.

Okay, so sometimes we punish ourselves by making decisions that self-sabotage. If there's guilt there, you do want to bring it out of the closet, maybe with a good, supportive, loving cognitive therapist or another therapist who’s very good and can give you some guidance. Listen, you can call me back another time. I'd love to; we can talk about that another time. Thank you so much for your call, David.

Oh, you're very welcome. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner.

I can't believe you don't want to go to your own son’s graduation.

It’s not a graduation. He is moving from the fourth grade to the fifth grade. It’s a ceremony. It’s psychotic. They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity. But if someone is genuinely exceptional... This is not about you, Bob; this is about Dash. You want to do something for Dash, then let him actually compete. Let him go out for sports. It’d be great.

And isn't that great? That’s from the movie The Incredibles. Have you been encouraged to excel, or have you been encouraged to just be mediocre, to just, oh, do what everybody else is doing? Don’t rock the boat. Don’t stand out. Don’t be great. Don’t be a show-off. What motivates you, and what will bring you the most happiness in life?

And of course, that’s a little complex because what will bring you the most happiness is both having the right ideas, that it’s wonderful to excel, and also having the goal to excel. So if you think it’s bad or selfish to excel and you want to excel, then you will feel selfish. You need to have both in sync.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

One way to actively and respectfully listen to your partner is to put yourself in each other’s shoes. If you’re upset because your partner forgot to pay the electric bill, imagine how you’d feel if the tables were turned. This helps you empathize with his or her feelings. Help your partner focus on the essential issue. If he or she is meandering, refocus your partner by gently asking, “What is your main concern?” or “How would you sum up the problem?”

If your partner is angry, hurt, or sad, you want to acknowledge the strong emotions or non-verbal messages. “You seem to feel strongly about this,” or “I noticed you just winced. What exactly are you feeling?”

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.