The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

What if you put your whole life on hold and what if you think that there is no purpose in your life? You know, we all have moments or periods in our time when we get really bummed out like that, and we can pick ourselves up and move on. This particular person right now who emailed me is in that state, and hopefully it's just a transition state for her that she can use as a learning experience and move on here. This is from Janine.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, I feel like my life has no meaning. I'm 24, and I haven't done anything. I graduated two years ago from the University, and I'm stuck home, unemployed. Can't find a job or pass job tests. I'm too shy and nervous in interviews. I had a lot of friends, and we spent too much time partying. Now I'm too bored to go to a nightclub. I was dumped by my ex for no reason. I think he was only attracted to my looks. I am pretty. I have no friends anymore. I also failed my driving test. All I do now is date guys. I have no interest in activities. I'm depressed. I can't have any fun anymore because my life has no meaning. I feel like if I stop looking pretty, or if I grow old, I will have nothing left. What can I do? How can I be happy?

Janine, so she is in the pits. How does she get out of the pits? So first, Janine, your own subconscious, your mind, is giving you red flags; it's giving you clues. It's giving you knowledge about yourself and what you have learned so far. Just some examples, that nightclub living, just going to nightclubs and partying all the time is not a purposeful life. It's fine to do that. My husband and I dance. We do ballroom dancing, so we went last night. You know, it's fine to do that, to spice up your life, but it can't be your golden life unless you're a dance teacher or unless you own the nightclub.

So without your own chosen dreams, goals, and purposes, Janine, where will your motivation, where will your energy come from? Think about waking up in the morning; if you have no personal trajectory, no personal goals, what does each day look like? It's like Groundhog Day, and you know that too well. The key that you need, Janine, is to realize that—and I had to do this myself—realize that it's up to you to set your own goals, your own dreams. Nobody can do this for you. I mean, your parents can tell you you have to go to law school, or you have to become a cook, or you have to do XYZ, and you can follow that path. It won't bring you the satisfaction when you discover that you're your own guide through life, and your desire—to be a good guide—then you want to start by being your own best friend, and you will enjoy your life a whole lot more.

So here's my suggestion: you're not going to change overnight. None of us do, and if you're realistic about change, it's going to help you a lot. So number one, hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here? It is, the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, the Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

You're not going to change overnight. None of us do, and if you're realistic about change, it's going to help you a lot. So number one, grow your own mind a little bit every day. For example, you mentioned that you have some difficulty with interviewing. Well, I know I didn't know how to interview. I can remember back to my college years and getting out of college, and I remember looking online—or I don't think we had online—and I know I still have the paperwork in a file that says interview skills, and I remember reading up on interview skills, and you have to practice them. You can practice them with a friend. You can practice them in a mirror. So you want to gain some confidence. You want to anticipate what questions a potential person on a job would ask you; you want to learn more about the job, and you want to aim at a job that's within your skill level that has a little bit of challenge for you.

So every day you're home, you could learn some skills and keep a little notebook and grow your knowledge. You could also study for the driver's exam again and keep studying and studying until the stuff becomes boring. You know it so well. It's just like, if I asked you your name, you know your name; it's boring, you know? If I kept asking you your name and quizzing you on that, you know it; you know, it's like, get over it. Ellen, I already passed this test, so it's the same with a driver's license. Just study the material until it becomes boring, and then you're ready for the test.

You know, I have—I know somebody, a friend of mine, who had to take the test twice, and big deal, even if you have to take it three times, once you pass it, you pass it, and you want to pass it with knowledge that you know the material. You don't want to just pass it accidentally because you happen to guess right. Another thing you could work on, Janine, to come out of your depression is to Google how to overcome shyness, or I have a little book here on overcoming shyness. You can do the exercises in it because you can learn how to, again, be your own best friend and get the skills to be a little more outgoing, to gain some courage, and take keep track of your strengths.

One of your strengths is you had the courage to email me as down in the dumps as you are. Your life has no meaning. You're 24, you graduated from college, are still stuck home, unemployed, don't have friends, think that the only thing going for you is your looks, your looks, and you're afraid to get old. You know, you had the courage to email me and ask me that question. You are not shy in doing so. So you want to keep track. You can even have a little notebook on the side. That's my strength. And at first, you might say, there are none. Honey, look closer. You can't have zero strengths at all. You must have had one or two good connections with a friend at some point.

So learn from experience. You know it sounds like you might have wasted some of your years at college, but see if there's anything that's repairable. A lot of people throw away the college education. You know that they don't desire to go there. They're just on autopilot, but you can go back to school. I know many people who've done that. Friends—you can choose one or two friends. You don't need a whole basket full of friends. Start with somebody that you can admire and that you can grow with. You don't want to find someone whose life is even worse than yours because you can pull each other down.

And I would love for you to take a moment to imagine being able to look back on this period of time in your life and smile and think, wow, I've come a long way, babe. I've learned how to enjoy my life, and it is skill building. So you'll notice that taking even some of these steps will help you smash that idea that things are hopeless and you can't be happy. Taking action toward any healthy goal can inspire the most important person in your life, and that is you. Also, you can look into some professional help. You can go to the Academy of CT.org—that's on my website, DrKenner.com, to the Academy of Cognitive Therapy.

My final word is on your looks. It's lovely that you look beautiful. You want to make your inner world start to match your outer beauty, and you can enjoy doing that. You don't do that primarily to find a guy or to find friends. You do that so that you enjoy living with yourself. Little by little, bit by bit, each day, you'll be building self-confidence, and secondarily, you will attract better people into your life.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Oh, somebody is in a mood. I'm not in a mood. You are. Well, I just don't like you telling me to do things that I really don't want to do. Well, fine. So touchy.

And have you had people in your life that are like, that's the dad in Frasier. What's his name? Marty? Marty in Frasier, where you just don't want people to tell you when to eat, when not to eat, when you need to go out, what your appointments are. You want to take charge of your own life, even if you mess up a bit because you have that feeling that you are in the driver's seat in your own life. And you want to give yourself that feeling. If you've always put yourself in the passenger seat and expect other people to make all the decisions for you and do things for you, then you handicap yourself; you make yourself more dependent, and that doesn't build self-esteem.

And I catch that in myself. You know, there are things my husband will teach me on the computer, and I say, yeah, yeah. And I know I'm not focused, and he knows I'm not focused; I'm making myself dependent on him to call him down two days later to say, hey, there's something wrong with my computer. And he said, well, you write it down, so I do have a little pad beside my computer to try to fix that in myself. And you know, we all can use a little tuning up there.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Everyone knows about the need for foreplay and intimacy, but afterplay is important too. Cuddling for a while and exchanging loving words are usually a treasured form of afterplay. If you roll over and go to sleep right away or leave abruptly, your partner may feel like a sex toy or object. If your partner enjoyed it, this teaches you what your partner likes and dislikes, so you'll know what to repeat and what not to repeat, and how to make the next experience more pleasurable. Be sympathetic and caring. Make it clear you want your partner to feel loved and fulfilled. If your partner makes a reasonable suggestion, promise to act on it in the future. Feedback is important because resentments about unfulfilled desires can lead to a downward trajectory in the relationship. Never be defensive, or you will stop getting feedback.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.