The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Here's a question that I have from Justin. And think about this, as I read this, have you ever felt a little bit jealous, maybe a little bit more jealous, maybe a lot jealous and you don't know what to do with that feeling and it won't go away. And you hate that you have it. And the more you try to get rid of that feeling, the more it it's like super glued to you, you wake up and you think about it. 24/7 and you don't know what to do with that feeling. What do you do with jealousy? Well, Justin is suffering from that problem, and I'll give him a few tips.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I have a beautiful girlfriend who I've been with for over two years, she has been caring, loyal, faithful and supportive of me in every way. Before our relationship she had slept with four other men. I know this shouldn't be a problem. But it drives me mad thinking that other guys have seen her sexually in the same light in which I've seen her. It makes me feel that she's cheapined herself, and that I am less special to her. I cannot seem to control this. And it makes me say nasty and offensive things to her. I cannot believe she's still with me. I don't stop her from doing what she wants or going out or anything else. It's only this it is driving me crazy. It's pure insecurity, which turns to jealousy, then helplessness, sadness and regret. It's ruining my life. I know it's my problem. And we've talked about it extensively, but it never ceases. It's always there. I must think about it 50 to 70 times a day, and I don't know what to do. I myself had two intimate relationships before we met. I have heard all the usual stuff, get over yourself. She loves you. She's chosen you. It was before you so it's irrelevant, etc, etc. But this feeling will not stop. How do I deal with the fact of her past relationships without becoming anxious and going into overdrive? That's question one. Question two is how do I stop having these bad thoughts so often? And Question three is, how do I not blur all of her sexual experiences together minimizing my relationship with her as if I'm one of many.

So let's take Question one, Justin. How do I deal with the facts of her past relationships without becoming anxious and going into overdrive? Man you want to sit down and listen to your thoughts? If you're having these thoughts 50 to 70 times a day. I'm certain that there are not 50 to 70 different sentences. This is going to boil down to some themes. She's a whore she's you know when you feel angry with her How could she have done this I wanted a virgin. I'm not good enough. I'm an adequate every time wherein we try to make love I imagine that they did it better than I did. Now if that's the case, then that would be speaking to your insecurity. I don't know why she stays with me. You know, if you're having thoughts along those lines, then you can take take those thoughts and look at each one of them or take the most important ones that are really eating at you what we call in cognitive therapy. The hot thought the one that's contributing most like I'm not good sexually or I'm not good. Or nobody will ever love me or I don't know why she stays with me because I'm a failure or something or everyone else is better. You know whatever those really hot thoughts are and I don't mean hot in a good sense. I mean hot in a very poignant hurtful, self a beating up on yourself since you want to take a close look at those and there if you could get your if you could see a good cognitive therapist in your area and I'm going to recommend a website. It's Academy of CT for cognitive therapy Academy of CT all one words.org You can go to that website and find a therapist in your neck of the woods was a cognitive therapist. Cognitive is just a dressy name. For thinking therapist. She would they will give you skills, too. And I'm going to recommend a book too. To help you with that the book is mind over mood, you can go to my website, doctor kenner.com And it's by Christine Podolski and Dennis Greenberger and you will learn about thought records how to take your thoughts when you're in a very painful jealous move your mood you're very jealous of your girlfriend and see what the truth is behind them. And then see what is not true where you're engaging and Thinking Thinking we call it catastrophic thinking, and you can reframe it, you will learn some skills. So you do want to learn how to value her. And I'll recommend another book for that. You want to be able to tell her what you love about her, not in a needy way, but in a respectful way. But you can't do that till you tell yourself what you love about yourself. And if there is nothing to love about yourself you want, which I doubt you want to because she's staying with you. You want to recognize the good within you and where you feel inferior and not good enough. You know, we all feel that way at times about certain things. You want to work on growing yourself bettering yourself. And for that I would recommend the book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke. And the book has a provocative title. It's a great book, it's how the selfish path to romance how to love with passion and reason. And it's selfish meaning self esteem not being mean and rotten. It's how do you make yourself lovable? How do you find the right partner? How do you knit a relationship together so your partner cherishes herself? You Tara show yourself, you can care for one another and you don't have those haunting, jealous thoughts that you're having. So you could you could look at those books my book is available my book with Dr. Ed lock is available on my website Dr. kenner.com or amazon.com just look up selfish romance.com to we have a website for it. Your second question how to stop having these thoughts so often these jealous thoughts that your girlfriend's up with someone else four with four other men prior to you and you've been with her for two years. You want to stop framing it as it that it's ruining my life. It never ceases it's always there. These these jealous thoughts. Notice you're talking in the passive tense like that it is getting you that it is it never ceases. It's ruining my life. If you put it into active voice, I allow myself to go into overdrive. I'm driving myself crazy. I'm and you give yourself an alternative. Maybe I can drive myself a little less crazy. Maybe I can think some different thoughts that will be very helpful for you. And the last question, look at her your relationship with her as unique don't blow them all together, but see it as this is our special relationship and nothing can replace that.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting:

Many types of money issues need to be addressed in every romantic relationship. For example, how much money do we want to make? And how do we want to spend it? There are trade offs when it comes to money making such as what kind of work week do you want? What is the importance of money versus the importance of time? How important is money compared to one's enjoyment of the job? The ideal is to get paid well for doing something you love. Where and how often are you willing to move in pursuit of your career? And how will you balance work with your partner and your children?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com