The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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(Name inaudible) so you're having some sadness in your daughter's life?

Yeah.

Yeah? What's going on?

Well, she was engaged to a fellow for two years. And just when the wedding was planned, and we're ready to throw the engagement party, she found out we knew there was family problems on his side, but we didn't know to the extent. And she found out that he had had a three year incestuous relationship with his sister. As a teenager. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God was exactly what we said.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah.

All right. Go ahead. He had some significant information to her that would make her change her mind.

Yes. So a year ago, we had heard a rumor and we confronted him and she confronted him. And he said, No, it wasn't true. Then when it came to the engagement party, no one from his family was attending. So we said, well, there's obviously something wrong, why wouldn't they attend? We don't even know your family. And then that's when we found out why they weren't attending.

What a liar. Yeah, yes. So tell me what is she needing most right now?

See, just see. It's been seven months since they broke off the engagement. She's a teacher to teach his primary children. So she knew inner her brain told her the decision she had to make, but her heart is still saying something different.

So she's, yeah, go ahead.

So she's wondering if she's made the right choice. And if it's possible, that he really is okay, even though he didn't have any counseling or anything. And she sort of says to us, well, you know, if it wasn't for you and dad, then I might have took my chances and done something different.

So it's kind of so she feels like you're the one that you were the tipping point, you were the ones that said to her, you can't go through with this. Yeah, there's too much too many unknowns here. Too many uncertainties. The most important thing you need to know about the person that you're marrying, not so much the grocer, but the person you're marrying, is his character.

Right.

And if there is data that comes that's brand new to her about his character that raises enormous questions about his choice making about his deceit to her. I mean, even if he three years is a heck of a long time, and the fact that the family's not staying around gives you data that it did a lot of damage that this just wasn't family that was holed up in Alaska with Ray in the wilderness, and there was nobody else and they were both teenagers, and they engaged in some sexual experimentation because it was nobody else around, you know, trying to think of a situation where you would say, Okay, there's a little bit of a different context here. But even then, it's even then it's extremely, can be extremely traumatizing. So the fact that the whole family is saying no to him tells you what?

Well, they're not saying no to him. They said no to her daughter. Oh, and sees the . . .

I'm really puzzled. Yeah. Why did they say no to her?

She's very well educated. Obviously. She's a teacher. She's outspoken, not outspoken, but she has an opinion and see, if he needs to know something, she will make sure that she finds out all the information. She's not we actually, were told so many different stories that we pushed for him to go and sign a waiver for records. Yeah, so she could actually view the records of what had happened because he was tardes How old was he? He was 12 when it started and 15 when it ended, that's what's document and the sister is how old the sister was nine and when it ended she was 1.

Okay, so they were three years difference. They still and the damage to the sister is pretty severe . . .

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Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

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And the damage to the sister is pretty severe.

Well, she's like 16 is okay if she drinks and you know that kind of stuff, but nothing over the edge as of yet to choose the senator 20s.

Yeah. Dating she dating?

She dates and she has quite a few other friends.

Okay. Do you mean she has her parents?

She's very promiscuous.

So it did do some damage to her view of love and sex and romance.

Oh, yeah.

So they're still best friends and see occasionally sleeps over. And this is very weird. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So just just by getting that little cameo that was snapped, I wouldn't say it's a cameo, what would you say? It's an ugly?

It's horrific. Yeah, it's a horrific picture of what went on there. The choice making in the past and the fact that it's having longer range consequences on the sister, and the fact that he never told your daughter, right. And I tell people that have secrets. Tell your partner. Yeah, not because it will come out in the future. But because you're deceiving them in the present. Right? That they don't know you. They don't have the full data by which to judge whether to marry you. So he may have some decent qualities. But the fact that the sister is still in and out of his life, the fact that she's promiscuous, the fact maybe your daughter would be bringing on baggage. Who knows what if she wants a family? I mean, she works with little kids, if she wants a family, what happens when her own daughter turns 12 years old, your granddaughter? I know there are all these icky thoughts. Yeah. So I think your daughter, I think you were helpful in helping make helping your daughter make a more rational decision. But that's really hard to say because she needs to see that data firsthand. And if she's still swimming, and all of the positives of this car of this guy, she needs some time to recognize that there were positives, but positives are never good. When there are negatives. For example, my favorite author Ayn Rand uses the example of what happens if you eat food and poison, like arsenic. Your favorite food plus poison - What is it equal to?

Yeah, exactly. It can kill you.

Very good.

Yeah.

All right. Well, this is Ayn Rand, my favorite author. She wrote The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. And it's the same here that she can have he can have very good quality some of the most charismatic men are or people are awful. They're criminals. I mean, they use the charisma to cover up their corruption.

So I think she could get a little book, it's called get a life, then get a man. It's an adorable little book by a life get a man and then get a man. It's on my website. Dr. kenner.com is just a cute book that may help her put things in perspective with the partner she currently has. She may not want to read it. I mean, this is coming from mom. But if you she needs to see firsthand the longer range consequences, all the negatives that could befall her. So listen, thank you so very much for the call. And I wish her some real romantic happiness in the future and the memories of this guy fading. Yeah, I hope so. Thank you for the call.

Thank you so much.

Oh, you're welcome.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting . . .

Creating a comfortable emotional climate in your relationships should never be left to chance. But how do you create it? One way is to build a positive mood. moods are enduring emotional states, a positive mood is essential for a romantic relationship to survive. successful romantic relationships are dominated by positive communications. Creating a positive mood by having a feeling of goodwill toward your partner permeates your time together. If resentments and issues look behind everything, establishing a caring climate will be impossible. You will need to introspect and seek professional help if necessary to resolve your issues.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com