The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text transcribed directly from the audio)

Dr. Kenner:      Here is a question that I received on jealousy. Have you ever felt jealous? It’s going to open up a file folder in most people’s minds. It starts off very excitedly. “Greetings Dr. Kenner! I’ve read yours and Dr. Locke’s book The Selfish Path to Romance with great interest. I also valued the further reading tips in the references, where you recommend other books on more specific issues. I wonder if you’ve written anything like it on jealousy and/or could recommend a book that covers that topic of jealousy and how to deal with it in a rational manner? Thank you. Kind regards, Scott.”

So Scott, the bad news is I haven’t written any books on jealousy, and I don’t think I would. I’m fascinated with the topic, and I have had, the good news is, I’ve had a lot of experience dealing with couples and individuals in therapy who have been tortured by feelings of jealousy. I also think that most everyone has had to deal with that emotion at some point, or maybe many points in their lives. For examples, siblings, when you’re a young kid, can often feel jealousy toward one another. “Mom likes you best,” or, “You’re not better than I am,” and just feeling inadequate and angry at a sibling or friends. Friends can be betrayed. If a new friend enters the picture, suddenly you might feel jealous that your friend may not want to be with you as much anymore. And of course in romantic relationships, they are ripe for jealousy.

As far as resources, there are many good articles available with very good advice that you can get just on the internet. I Googled “cognitive therapy jealousy” and I found several good articles. I actually got lost in them. They were a lot of fun to read. And they give a lot of good, rational advice.

So here are a few of my thoughts on jealousy. And the first point that you want to know, the first point you want to grasp, is when you’re feeling jealous, you want to be more of a detective and a scientist and say, “I’m really curious, where is this emotion coming from in myself?” You want to understand the source of your own jealousy and that’s going to be key. What is causing you – or if it’s your partner – to feel jealous? And of course you can only introspect about yourself. You’re guessing about what the other person is feeling, unless they speak openly to you. Let’s look at this from the jealous person’s perspective, and we can spend a little time in a moment looking at the person who is being accused, what their experience is like. You can feel jealous when you’re with your partner at a party and he smiles admiringly at another woman, or maybe he jokes playfully with your best friend, or maybe you’re the guy and the woman, your partner, goes over to another man and starts teasing him with some sexual overtones and is dressed very sexy and seems to be coming on to him. Or maybe she seems to mention her coworker’s name too often. She’ll say, “Tom did this and Tom did that,” so you want to normalize this.

First, it’s normal to feel anxious. Oh my God, what if I lose this person I love? I’ll be devastated. It can kick up all sorts of insecurities. I’m not good enough or she’s bored with us or our sex is boring and infrequent and perhaps she is interested in someone else. You could feel betrayed or contemptuous. “Feeling completely invisible and I won’t let anyone treat me this way.” You can feel trauma from past relationships. “My dad cheated on my mom and now I’m worried that my husband is cheating on me.” And of course you can feel angry. “How dare he pay so much attention to her and so little to me? Or it’s not fair that she sent her coworker flowers because this person is sick. I feel invisible.” So, what does it do? It just stirs up all of our own insecurities and our view of relationships. It can enflame our doubts and feelings of jealousy. And maybe we can even feel some guilt. Maybe you have had wandering thoughts of another guy or gal and now think your partner is doing likewise because you’ve done that before.

If you profoundly love your partner, you’re going to feel profoundly sad. “What if he leaves me?” You’ll feel anger. “How dare he betray me?” You’ll feel confused. “What if it’s my fault? I haven’t been paying too much attention to our relationship or we’ve been arguing recently.” So that is the experience of jealousy.

Now let’s look at what are the typical behaviors. How do we cope when we feel jealous? Well, typically, you have what’s called hyper vigilance. You’re watching your partner. What’s he doing? What’s he saying to her? Has she been calling him? Let me check his email. Let me check his texts. Let me observe his behavior with her under a microscope. Maybe you accuse. That’s another typical behavior. “You love him more than you love me!” Or you’re sarcastic – “Why don’t you just jump in bed with him or her.” You might feel contemptuous. Those glares or that sneering at the person. Or you might try to pull for pity – pouting or begging for reassurance. “Are you sure you love me? Do you really love me?” We won’t go there.

What effects do those have on a relationship? You know the result. They’re all corrosive. What is it like to be on the receiving end of jealousy? Let’s say that it’s totally unfounded. You’re not interested in anybody else. You love your partner and you just feel like you’re being attacked. “What’s going on with my partner? I’m feeling annoyed with her. I’m frustrated. I’m powerless to do anything. Is this the right person for me?” You can see how that corrosiveness jumps in. And you may feel blindsided. “Could I be doing something I’m not even aware of that’s causing my partner to feel threatened?” This is all food for thought. If the jealousy is founded, you’ll feel guilty. I have been flirting, I have been fanaticizing or maybe you even cheated.

So what can you do about it, if you are feeling jealous? Well, first know that everybody is unique. Everybody has their own past histories, their own insecurities or self-confidence, and they’ve all had different relationships, they’re all different. The first thing you need to do, as I said, is understand the triggers. And the deeper causes of your own personal emotion of jealousy. What is triggering my feelings? What am I saying to myself? What is the evidence that it’s true and what is the evidence that it’s not 100 percent true? A thought record in the book Mind Over Mood would help you very much there. What are the alternatives? Think of how you can value yourself more and value the relationship more. And you want to be reasonable. You don’t own your partner and your partner doesn’t own you, and you’ll occasionally have positive feelings toward other potential partners, but that doesn’t mean you want to leave the relationship.

You can express your fears to your partner in ways that are not attacking. “I felt a bit invisible when you didn’t introduce me to these women you were speaking with,” and finally, have fun with each other. You can use the jealousy as a wake-up call to enjoy your relationship more. You can notice what you love about one another. Share those thoughts. Plan fun activities. And laugh.

I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner on The Rational Basis of Happiness.

Of course you matter. You matter most in your own life, and that doesn’t matter that other people don’t matter. In my life I matter and my husband matters and my kids matter tremendously to me and my parents do and my friends. Just because you matter to yourself doesn’t mean that you shut everybody else in the world out. That’s a wrong view of self-valuing. When you self-value, you’re going to value all your value, including your friendships and your loved ones.