The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com. What is it like to have served in the war in Iraq or in Afghanistan? With me today is Jay White, who has worked with a lot of vets from the war, from the global war on terrorism, and he's a readjustment counselor, and he's been there and back. Jay, welcome so much to the show. You're from the Hartford Vet Center, aren't you?

Yes, I am. Thank you for having me, Dr. Kenner.

Yeah. And I wondered, what was it like when you were first called over? What was that like for you?

We were first called over in 2003, and to be honest with you, our unit was kind of alerted since September 11, so we went about a year and a half of waiting to go. And to be honest with you, it was a little bit relieving to finally get the real call.

So dealing with the uncertainty was really tough on you.

It was very tough. The whole year of 2002 was just in limbo for not just me, but my family and everyone involved, friends, coworkers, and that went for pretty much all the guys in my unit.

Yeah, and is that something like, there's nothing you can do about that, the uncertainty is real and there's no specific way to cope? Or did you find a way that really helped you cope with having been called up and being in that waiting period?

Personally, I spent most of the time just staying in shape and focusing on getting in good physical condition more than anything, and I think that helped me mentally too. But I just my theory was if something happens to me, I didn't want it to happen to me because I was too slow or something. So

it was, you were really gearing up for survival.

Sure. I guess you could say that. But, you know, I just it was kind of like we had never experienced it before. So for anybody who's, like, played sports or anything, you think of it as a big event. So you need to get in shape for that event, and that's what I did.

So during that period, then once you got the call to go over, how did that affect you? And I'm assuming you're not married.

I'm not married yet. Actually, I'll probably be married.

How did it affect me when I got called?

I remember my mother was not happy at all, but I kept telling her, and anyone who agreed with her that it was a good thing because we had to go and come back before we could finally, you know, be done with worrying about going.

Yeah, that makes sense. So you focus more on the relief, mom, we've been living in uncertainty for long,

right? I had to pretty much explain to her, you know, well, listen, we're gonna go, so let's just go and get this over with.

Yeah, and what? As a mother, I'm a mother, and I would, I know what I would feel like. I would just feel devastated because I would picture him coming back hurt or maybe even not coming back. How did you know? How do you help people like your mother who are in that position?

Well, to be honest with you, you know that what she's thinking is a possibility, and it's not easy. What do? What do you tell someone? So I think the best thing to do is, in any situation, is kind of focus on the positive, and that being, oh, I'm with people I know. In my case, my reserve unit, I'm with my friends. What I'm going to be doing over there, in particular, for me was a good thing. You know, just keep reiterating, listen, I'm mature. I'll make right decisions. I'll keep in mind the safety of, you know, the mission before we go out. And I won't be doing crazy things, just kind of anything to reassure, you know, a parent or whatever.

And your fiancé too, right?

Right. Are there ways to keep in contact? Were they able to touch base with you? And during the war, um,

they could, to a degree. It's better than it is. It's better now than it is than it was in OIF one, they call it that. That was the first phase of the Iraq War, yeah. For me in particular, I didn't have the easiest time contacting home for the first couple of months when the war first started, yeah, just based on where I was, and didn't get mail for a month or so, and it was, but that was an isolated situation that where we were, but for the people in the rear detachment, then they could have contact at home and for pretty much everybody now, from what I've been hearing from the veterans who come in here, they have a decent amount of contact, so there's some support. And it's not like it's a vacuum here, that too much contact is an issue, actually, right?

Jay, what would you say was the scariest moment in the war for you?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw here? It is the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance that is interesting.

Jay, what would you say was the scariest moment in the war for you?

Um, no doubt that I remember the date, actually, April 15, 2003 it was just the middle of the night and I guess. And now, looking back, there were just mortars coming in. We weren't at a particular base. We just kind of hopped around. This is in Baghdad.

In Baghdad, right?

And you just didn't know, I mean, like the pattern of them, it just seemed like they got closer and closer and louder and louder. And the scariest part was thinking that he could be dead in the next 30 seconds. But not even that. It wasn't as much about afraid of dying as it was thinking, how is the news going to be handled when it reaches home. You know that that, to me, was like So thinking of your family members, thinking of them, and feeling that responsibility that, Oh, my God, I'm going to cause so much pain, and there's nothing I can do about it, you know, right?

Well, that's a fascinating situation. Like, I wish I could snap my fingers and be at home. Anything at home would be better than this right now. So just for that two-hour period, or whatever it was,

yeah, and then there must have been tremendous relief when you felt out of danger again.

Well, it's gradual, but, yeah, it is. When you look back at the whole thing, it is relieving. But you know, it's not like you're there and then, oh, it's gone. You know, there's a gradual thing.

So, I want to give you a moment to be able to explain what you do. You served in the National Guard, but you're now a readjustment counselor. And what would you like to tell people, people like yourselves, who've served in Afghanistan or Iraq?

Well, they hired like 50 of us who are veterans of either Afghanistan or Iraq, and I was lucky enough to get a position here in Hartford. So they hired us with the intention that veterans coming back will feel more comfortable at least. That's what my take is that they hired us for that reason, that veterans would feel more comfortable talking to somebody who was there and is in their rough age group and whatnot. But the biggest thing is, there is it's not easy to come in. First of all, you get home, you're with a bunch of your friends. You've seen them all the time. You just want to go home and forget about it and go back to work. And you know, if you're in the reserves or the guard especially, and there's so many of them, even active duty, a lot of times they come on, they have another mission, and

you want people to be able to reach out and get the help. I think you were right to me

exactly,

where can they go for help?

Well, they can go anywhere, and not just the Vet Center. There are Vet Centers in pretty much every city in the country, in definitely, in every state. And that's that's a great place to go because the veteran counselors are veterans, and it's free with it.

Is there a number or website?

There is? Yeah, there's an 800 number that

if they can call but okay, we don't

have that right now.

Yeah, well, listen, I want to thank you so much for coming on the show today. I'm talking with Jay White, who's from the Department of Veterans Affairs in Hartford, right? And you're a readjustment counselor, and so if you're a vet and you're a family member of a vet, correct? Jay, that's right. You can reach out and get the help, and there's no stigma to it. They're really working on trying to not have this be a stigma issue for the military. Thank you so much for joining us today, Jay.

Okay, thank you.

You're welcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this. Ned, Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke,

who's world famous for his theories in goal setting.

What can you do when your partner refuses to work with you to resolve conflict? Sometimes the underlying problem is that partners are not addressing the real issue. The resisting partner may not want to acknowledge or may not explicitly know what the real issue is. For example, a man may resist planning a romantic evening because he fears the humiliation of impotence. Nurse. During supportive discussion may help him talk about this issue and deal with his fears openly and move towards some solution.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.