The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com

Here's one woman who's seriously struggling. She asked me, Will I ever be happy again, and will I find the love of my life?

Hello, Dr Kenner. My name is Shara. I'm 27 years old. I'm a single mom. I'm in a wheelchair. I fell six stories off a building several years ago, and I am always sad.

You can visualize that she's got a little one running around. She's a single mom, and she's in a wheelchair, and she's always feeling sad. She reaches out, saying, I don't know how to be happy. I had a rough childhood. I was raped several times, starting at the age of 12, by my uncles, by a stranger, and by a friend of the family. I was beaten by an ax. I've been suicidal since college, and I have a two-year-old daughter now. I don't understand why all these things have happened to me. My question is, Will I ever be happy again? And will I find the love of my life?

Shara, while sitting in a wheelchair at home, not doing anything and thinking negative thoughts, the answer would be no. Those types of questions—Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever find the love of my life?—tend to prompt negative responses. And so, when you ask these questions while not taking any productive action, it can feel totally dismal, leading to suicidal thoughts. Why bother trying? How can I change? Who would notice?

Now, I've got a lot of empathy for you because you've been traumatized. You didn’t grow up in a household where good things happened, where you could achieve your goals. You didn’t have that constellation of wonderful childhood experiences. So, my guess is that you drew profoundly negative views about yourself, the world, and others. I'm damaged goods. I'm trash. Others are scary. The world is closed to my happiness.

It's not surprising that people have suicidal thoughts in situations like these. I even wondered if, when you said that you fell six stories off a building, if that wasn’t a suicide attempt.

What you need is new, better premises, but you can't fake them. You can't say, "Oh, I’ll just wake up happy." You can’t impose these ideas because the negative ones came from real trauma. I suggest therapy and getting the book *Choosing to Live: How to Defeat Suicide through Cognitive Therapy* by Thomas Ellis and Corey Newman. It’s on my website, drkenner.com. You want to start asking better questions. Not "Will I ever be happy again?" but "What will make me happy today?" How can I build self-respect? Look to your values and ask if there’s something you can do to take better care of yourself, even if it's small.

How about employment? Just because you're in a wheelchair doesn’t mean you can’t work. Maybe you are working—can you improve at your job or find a better one? If you’re in a job you don’t like, try finding something productive. Don’t just settle for disability money; it’s not a full life. Look for opportunities, especially with your daughter. She’s two years old. Try the book *How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk* on drkenner.com, and work on being proud as a mom.

Seek friends who are wheelchair-bound, but not those who play victim—find people who are animated and motivated. You want good role models.

Regarding suicide, the book *Choosing to Live* says that death is not success; it’s failure, the ultimate failure, and the ultimate loss of control. This isn’t the route for you. Find ways to rebuild your life. And for others, if life feels like it’s in shambles, remember: your identity is not what others may have said about you, or how you were treated. Focus on what you like about yourself.