The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Here is an email I received from Aaron.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I am 24 and in medical school. I really like this woman, Janice, who I've known since I was 10 years old. Her parents are family friends, and Janice and I were very close friends. My parents got transferred, and I lost touch with Janice for a couple of years. She went abroad for studies, and recently, we connected through email. All my feelings for her came rushing back. I cannot gather the courage to tell her how I feel because I fear I will lose a great friend. She might tell her parents, and that might also seriously damage my reputation in their minds. I have no idea whether Janice is seeing anyone because I'm too shy to ask her directly. What should I do? Should I keep being friends with her and accept that we can never be more than just that? Or should I go ahead and tell her my feelings? Would it be correct to do it over a casual email?

Aaron

Aaron, the first point is you want to give yourself the gift of becoming less shy, and that involves skills that you can learn. You want to increasingly get more and more comfortable in social situations. In fact, I'm sitting here with a book, a little book, "10 Simple Solutions to Shyness: How to Overcome Shyness, Social Anxiety, and Fear of Public Speaking" by Mark Anthony. It’s got a lot of tips in it, how to plan for change, keeping your expectations realistic, and changing the way you think. You know, many times we look at someone's facial expression and we assume that it's negative. Now maybe they were just daydreaming, but we think, "Oh, they don't like me." Again, maybe we always compare ourselves to people and think that we are less than. It's got some good cognitive therapy skills here. You don't want to assume the worst will occur with Janice.

So let's get back to Janice. One of the lifetime skills is giving yourself the project of overcoming your shyness. Now let's apply it to Janice. What do you do about her? Well, one possibility is, yes, you can continue just emailing her. You can share interesting things from your day. You know, you can collect stories of some interesting observations you've made, and you can ask her about herself, her day. You can share maybe some of your dreams or aspirations with her, what you hope to do. But if you're uncomfortable with that, you can start small and then work up to what's most important in your life.

It's fine when you're reconnecting with an old friend, an old buddy, to just say, "Hey, are you dating anyone?" That doesn't mean, "Hey, I want to marry you." That just is fact-finding. Then you find out if Janice says, "Yes, I'm dating someone." You can say, "Oh, tell me all about him. Who's the lucky guy?" You can just be natural, and you can get some information.

She might say, "Oh, I'm madly in love with him." Then you need to grieve your losses and remain a friend with her. You haven't destroyed a friendship and you can move on. You can keep the friendship, but you want to move on for a romantic partner. Or she might say, "Oh, I'm so mixed about him. You know, he's an alcoholic, or he smokes, and I don't like a smoker." Then, hey, maybe you just got lucky yourself, and you can be there as a good listening ear.

Sometimes being a good friend becomes not just friends. So you can continue enjoying the friendship, and you can build a basis, maybe in the future, for a potential romantic relationship. You will be building emotional intimacy anyway, and that is a good foundation for a great romantic relationship or a great friendship.

If she says no, that she's not dating anyone, you can start gently, as you become more and more comfortable with the situation, to share some of your feelings. You can say, "Oh, I, you know, I, when I got your email, my face lit up. It’s so nice hearing from you." Or, "You made me laugh. I love laughing with you." Or, "You made me smile."

That's a little different from "I'm passionately in love with you and want to marry you today." You know that's too fast, and you don't know whether you would even like her. Janice may have changed over the past 10 years, so you want to gain more information now about her parents.

You're worried that you'll damage your reputation if her parents find out that you have a crush on her or you have a genuine interest in her. If I found out that one of my grown children—I have two grown kids—was cherished by a childhood friend who was a good person, obviously, you know, I would want it not to be a drug addict or whatnot, but if it's a really good person, and they had a crush on my daughter or my son, I would be delighted. As a parent, I would not be offended. I would not think that they damaged their reputation.

So you don't want to have an attraction to someone be a source of shame for you if the person is a good person, which they are, and you're assuming, in this case, with Janice. It is really the parents' problem if they respond negatively to you; it's not your problem at all.

You also might want to read the books that changed my life. I read "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged," and I, at one time, had been a very shy person, and sometimes it didn't show outwardly, but inwardly, I was shy, I was insecure. When I read "The Fountainhead," it raised questions in my mind: do I own my own life or not? Do I always need to compare myself to others and fail? Less than do I? Can I take chances? Can I speak my own mind more readily and not kind of in a shy, apologetic way? Can I come out of my shell?

I saw a hero in "The Fountainhead" that helped me tremendously. Then I read "Atlas Shrugged," and "Atlas Shrugged" has so many heroes and heroines, and I said, "Oh my God, I want that in my life." I don't want to always be carrying around—now, granted, I had some confidence, but also some insecurity. I don't want to carry that with me for the rest of my life.

Any of us can learn how to improve ourselves, how to gain more confidence. I can't suggest anything better than "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged," or heroes in movies and in books, but genuine heroes who have the confidence to be honest, to pursue their dreams, their true dreams, not the dreams that others choose for them.

It's important that their dreams be reality-based, not floating in the sky.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance," the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

A common mistake many women make is to view their male partners' passion and frequent advances as purely a physical urge, rather than as a desire for mutual intimacy. A physical urge is often a loving, emotional desire for closeness. When the relationship is a good one, being sexually desired is a great compliment and should be taken as such. What the partner is saying is, "It is through you and no one else that I choose to take my pleasure, to celebrate my life, and to express my love." What greater compliment could one have from a romantic partner?

In contrast, being rejected means, "I do not value closeness and intimacy with you. You're not that important to me."

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.